My Dear Diary

Dear Diary, 

Today we went to see Alice. She is in bed. I think they don’t allow playing there. She is lying in bed all the time. They cut all of her hair. She is bald now, like uncle Gregory. He is balder, I think. Mom said this is to get Alice healthy again. We will play then, and her hair will grow back. 

Dear Diary, 

I am still alone at home, and Alice is in the hospital. It was quite a battle today. LEGO soldiers took over the City of Dinosaurs. They are smart because they went there when many dinosaurs were away, hunting under the bed. They also made peace with the Giraffe. He is the general of animals now because Teddy-bear is away with Alice. Now the LEGO soldiers have the tools to build spacecraft to fly to Alice. Mom said they could fly after tomorrow. It is so long. I miss Alice, but Mom says doctors don’t allow us inside now. 

Dear Diary, 

Dad brought me a book about the magical journey. But I will take it with us and read it to Alice. Mom said Alice can’t read now by herself, so it is a good idea. Now she will listen to any book I choose to read!

And mom made apple cake today! I ate three pieces. Mom and Dad did not eat it. They did not eat anything today, but they made me eat anyway. It is not fair!

Dear Diary, 

We just returned from the hospital. Dad said to go sleep now. I will write to you tomorrow. I think they are sad.

Dear Diary, 

Mom has red eyes now. I asked if she wanted to play, but she did not hear me. I asked three times. And Dad is away at work. I will go to sleep now. 

Dear Diary, 

We are back from Alice. She has now a big mask on her face. And she is sleeping all time. Mom was crying, but I think it was good – when I was ill, Mom said I must sleep more. 

The Dinosaurs took back half of the City. LEGO soldiers are now with the radio machines. They are planning the battle. It is so hard to fight for them and Dinosaurs all the time! Alice should get well sooner. 

Dear Diary, 

We are back from Alice. Mom stayed at the hospital. Alice is sleeping all the time. I read her some book anyway, and Doctor said it was good I did it. Now I should go to sleep.

Dear Diary,

I think it is better because Mom is smiling now and laughing too!

But Dad is sad. I asked Mom why, but she didn’t hear again. 

Dear Diary, 

We were at the hospital again. Alice sleeps with the mask. I read the book aloud. 

I told Teddy-bear about the last battle. He says it is okay if Giraffe helped us!

We are back home. Mom did not come. She is there.

Dear Diary, 

I asked Dad when Alice would wake up. He said he did not know. I think Alice can be very ill if Dad doesn’t know. I will show you tomorrow.

Dear Diary, 

This is the room where Alice lives now. Do you see? She is sleeping all time. 

I will read to her now. There is the last chapter left.  

The woman doctor showed me the game room. They tell me to play a little. 

The woman doctor is away. I go back to Alice! I want to be with everybody.  

Dear Diary, 

We are back home. Dad says

Dear Diary,

We were in hospital again. Dad says

Dear Diary,

Dad says that maybe Alice

Maybe she doesn’t wake up at all

Dear Diary, 

Alice

Alice is 

Dear Diary, 

Mom doesn’t talk anymore. We eat with Dad. He doesn’t eat much. And I

He goes to work all time 

Dear Diary, 

I 

I don’t 

Dear Alice, 

Come back

Please 

I miss you

Dear Alice, 

Your Army of Dinosaurs is ready to take back the City. I will not use the laser gun! And Teddy-bear is on your side always. You can win!

Dear Alice, 

Where are you 

Dad gave me some black clothes 

Tomorrow we

Dear Alice, 

We will go to the forest for two days! Like you told me. I am not afraid now. We will go if you want! With apple pie and with orange juice. And with your small music radio. 

Dear Diary, 

It was many people, and rain. Uncle Gregory was too. Alice was not there.

Dear Diary, 

Hi again. Just thought you might wanna hang out. Nobody else does. I guess that’s what you call a pariah. Sitting through the classes, waiting for my head to explode. I am the outsider, the freak. His mom is a lunatic. She is in a funny place. 

Hey, can I sit there? I mean, you won’t cut my head off or something?  

Hey, I am just curious – do you see dead bodies in the bags in the hallway? Don’t fall asleep.

No wonder his dad is hard on the booze. Imagine you share a blanket with somebody just chatting to themselves all night long! 

Let your words just pass through me. I am not even here. I am far away. 

But how are you holding up? You miss her too, right? I know you do. 

Dear Diary, 

What’s up! 

You know, I saw her at the chemistry again. 

Man, she has those flashy eyes. I thought the chemicals would go on fire. I just got lost in her. I guess I was staring, but hey, what do I have to lose. Besides, it was the usual stuff all over. 

“And what would be your expectance upon the chloric acid and water reaction?”

“Mrs. Forster, his expertise lies among another.. type of liquids. Oh man, just don’t spill that acid in my face or something!”

“I doubt your face will lose much charm in such an encounter.” 

And she smiled! It was a perfectly visible glimpse of her teeth, and I am damn sure it was synchronized to my retort. Man, I start to enjoy chemistry. 

Dear Diary, 

We do say hello to each other! Who is a lunatic now? 

What do you think should come next? Yeah, I know. I should probably ask her out. So simple, so scripted, and predictable. How do you do it? 

Got pushed hard today. That entertainment just never grows old, does it? If we talk about scripted, I should now join a football team or local boxing gym or at least the table tennis section. What do you think, pal? 

Dad is not good. There are empty bottles and shit. He doesn’t even try to hide them anymore. And what do you want me to do? What can I do about it? 

Dear Diary, 

Guess who is going to help Caroline with the chemistry! Guess who is Caroline and what kind of flashy, magnificent, lush emerald eyes she has! Guess who is going to meet with her this evening? 

Bombard me with the liquids expertise jokes now, Greg, you dumb fuck! 

What do you suggest wearing? Not that we have a whole Prada outlet in that closet, but still we have to choose carefully, it’s the first date! Oh my, I love a ring to it. Don’t you? Date. We are going on a date. With whom? With Ca-ro-line. 

Why does this hair have to be so messy… look at that skin. What is that, oh my. That’s terrible. I am calling sick… Oh boy, I still have to check up on some chemistry.

It was… amazing! Absolutely freakin’ splendid. That’s what you call the joy of life. 

Those eyes were so close. Man, her hair smells like heaven. I still feel it on my cheeks. Nope, not yet. Just leaning in, you know, a touch here, a breath there. I know, but it’s the first date!

Dear Diary, 

They are holding Horror night at Cinematrix, an all-night marathon of horror. I reckon that’s what you call destiny. Of course, I am asking her out, old man!

Dear Diary,

Well, who is the joke again? “It’s so sweet, but I am sorry, I agreed to go with someone already... you are not angry, are you?” 

Why would I be angry? 

Who is she going with? Funny, but I have to know. Oh, I was not nurturing any special hopes. I was not screening images in my head, those of the last row, in the muffled silvery twilight, so close, so real.

What’s the big deal anyway. Horror night? I have horror days on a regular basis. I can just use some sleep and be good. 

Dear Diary, 

The good news is I know who she went with. The bad news is I don’t understand why I had to know at all. 

They are like hand in hand and all that. Who cares. 

Dad went to visit Mom. No, he won’t tell me anymore. I know because he is now sucking out another bottle as if he were some sponge or something. 

So we are back to home base, I guess. Ground zero. 

Dear Diary, 

She is much deeper in my head than I imagined. I saw her in a dream, and I think of her way more than I should. Those summer meadow eyes, this fragile face, hair. Chemistry is lost on me in this grade. 

I want to steal her Walkman to know what she listens to, put it on repeat, put the volume up, and go far away. 

Dear Diary, 

I am following her halfway home just to see her back, to look at her. This is not well. 

Dear Diary, 

I made some cuts for a long time, but it inevitably came to it. It brings relief, though. Your pages are now soaked with my blood. We’re blood brothers. 

Why had I even let it inside? What was the big idea?

Why is everything so freaking wrong? 

Dear Diary, 

It’s been a while. 

I don’t cut myself anymore. I don’t dream of Caroline anymore as well. 

It’s been a lot since then. However, I can’t really distinguish one day from another. It’s like an amalgamation, no lines, no borders, endless day/night revolutions. 

I’ve realized there is nothing wrong – that’s just how the world is. It’s pointless to look for any sense of meaning. Any attempts to arrange the separate events into some composition or big picture are just childish. The point is there is no damn point. The only chain of events is causal, and it’s strictly mechanical. To hell with any meaning. 

Dear Diary, 

What’s the point if we all die? How original, I know. So what? Trivial but true.

I got up. I have time for a proper coffee. I can even make two or free cups and a luxurious breakfast – no rush. Then to the lab, other pointless actions for useless purposes. Home again. I can hit movies while heading back or go big and grab a coffee somewhere. That’s about sums it up. We had a more daring life in our LEGO – Dino battles, didn’t we?

Dear Diary, 

Dad had been taken to the nursing home. Seems he can’t even properly talk anymore. Certainly not. What for? 

I think about maybe jogging in the mornings. I have so much time I just can’t bear it. What do you think? 

Dear Diary, 

Who you’d been holding up? Look at you, old boy. Pages crumpled, yellowish... 

Hot news, dear friend. I think I can propose. Yeah, I haven’t told you anything for a long time, so it must be a little unforeseen, but here we are. 

She is funny and keeps telling those bio-labs inside jokes and all. Deep green eyes, well, we all have our weaknesses. I’ll get back to you soon.

Dear Diary, 

We will have a daughter! 

You might have some idea of how we are going to call her. 

Dear Diary, 

Unbelievable, I am again fighting along with the valiant LEGO soldiers, pushing on the Dinosaurs, and forming alliances with plush toys. It’s actually one of the funniest things I ever did! We must have a better look at life until six or something. 

Chris is cooking and baking and mixing and cooling.

Tomorrow we are going to the park and maybe to catch a movie. 

I think I am close to telling you I am happy. 

Okay, I might just be.

Dear Diary, 

This can’t be. 

This just can’t be.

I know I told it. I told you that there is no point in life. But why does it has to persecute me with such cruelty?

Such vicious, senseless, terrible cruelty.

Dear Diary, 

Chris cries all the time. She keeps saying it’s the chemicals in the lab. She brought home all those nano pieces of the murky, hazardous substances that she carried the deadly effluvia caught in the veils of her perfume, bound by the infernal molecular bridges. 

“I did it, I killed her, it’s me” that delirium goes on and on as she keeps yelling or whispering as if I hadn’t enough damn pressure already. 

I call all the colleagues, acquaintances, their acquaintances. I penetrate the most clandestine labs utilizing contact threads I wouldn’t know I was ever able to weave. 

At the end of the day, it’s all useless. There is no panacea. But everybody is so damn sorry. 

Dear Diary, 

It’s not Chris’s fault. It’s ours. We decided to call her Alice, remember? You should have warned me. It made me change my mind. Now you are responsible as well. Maybe I should just throw you in the oven? 

Dear Diary, 

I am spending all my time here at the hospital. 

As I leaf through your rusty crumpled pages, impregnated with my own tears and blood, I witness the nightmare I had once lived through. Only I was lucky enough to be an innocent child, not really understand.  

It’s as if I were caught in some eerie déjà vu. I have already seen all that, to the very details. 

I’ve seen those unnaturally white sheets, masks, pipes, and yellowish liquid in the plastic bags.

I’ve heard this humming and beeping.

I’ve inhaled that heavy carbolic odor. It tingled my nostrils once.

Dear Diary,

I finished another whisky bottle. The empty bottles are my army now. It grew so rich in numbers I could defeat both LEGO guys, and the Dinosaurs united.

Chris is fine now too. She is smiling and laughing hysterically and talking about the invisible particles that penetrate the labs’ walls and slowly and inevitably impregnate our bodies, organs, and brains. 

The genuine horror marathon had finally come to me.

Dear Diary, 

The mask is off! The mask is gone! No mask anymore!

I am here. Chris is not well, so we came with the Teddy bear. He said to me he won’t let this one go. Ever. I guess the old boy is keeping to his promise. 

Dear Diary, 

Alice opened her eyes! Her wonderful verdant eyes. They are the most beautiful eyes in the whole Universe. 

I am already sharing the Grand battle plan with her, and Teddy bear gives her the numbers on our ranks. Oh boy, what a battle that is going to be! 

I wink at Teddy, and Teddy winks back. We know that another battle, the one on the verge of catastrophe – that battle was won.

Dear Diary, 

Doctors permitted to take Alice to see Mom. Teddy is going too, of course.

Chris is better. She won her battle too. 

It’s going to be alright. 

Once it’s all over, we will go to the park – all day long.

And maybe it will be the time to pay a few more visits as well. 

Dear Diary, 

Thank you.