Hurt feelings

March 14, 2022

She was the girl next door and for the longest time I felt she was my soulmate.

I mean how could I not?

Our parents had been friends for decades, we had played together almost everyday.

She was my confidante.

I could tell her all my secrets, all my insecurities, things I couldn't tell anyone else even if I tried.

And she could tell me hers.

I heard and watched so many things on the internet, t.v shows, movies and even from other people.

"Marry your best friend."

"Be with someone who knows you better than yourself."

"Fall in love with the person who completes you, who makes up for your weaknesses."

Who was that if not Emily.

Emily was my best friend, she knew me better than I knew myself, my weaknesses were her strengths.

So of course I asked her out when I felt the time was right.

"I'm sorry Davie but… I don't see you that way." With that one sentence my world fell apart, the love of my life didn't love me back.

And just like that the friendship that had been cultivated for sixteen years just fell apart.

I couldn't look her in the eye, I couldn't look at her at all.

I just felt so embarrassed, so hurt!

Why didn't she feel the same way?

Was I not good enough for her?

Was I not handsome enough for her?

Was I not smart enough?

Cool enough?

Fit enough?!

Funny enough!?

What was so wrong with me that Emily didn't see me as someone she could love?

"David! Come down stairs, it's almost time for dinner!" Closing my journal and wiping the wetness from my eyes, I stuffed the thick black book underneath my mattress.

"Coming, ma!" Walking out of my room, I strolled down the stairs and entered the dining room.

"How's my handsome boy?"giving a small strained smile to my mom who sat across from me and next to my brother, "learn anything interesting today?"

"Not really and I'm doing fine, how was work?"

"Pretty good." My mother gave a smile of her own and went back to her phone.

"Davie, can you help me with this problem, it's too hard for me~!" Tommy whined at me and like always I couldn't say no, maybe it would distract me from my whole world being destroyed.

Bonus.

Walking over, I leaned over his small shoulder and looked over the problem, "First you," I spent ten minutes walking him through the math problem and solving it for him.

"Ohh! That makes a lot more sense than what Ms. Holier taught!" Smiling at the compliment, I ruffled Tommy's silky blonde hair that was a match for my own before sitting down.

Lucky for me, that's when dad finished making dinner, "Ok, phones down, homework away, time to eat some grub!"

My dad walked around the table and sat down a plate in front of each of us before sitting down right next to me like always, "Dig in." He commanded with a grin and the rest of us followed his lead.

For the next thirty minutes the four of us talked about new developments and how our lives were going.

Turns out mom might get a promotion soon, which would explain why work was doing pretty good instead of just good.

"I'll do the dishes, honey." His mom tried to help after dinner.

"It's fine, Maggie." But of course dad denied her.

 Pouting, she gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"You're the best, Sam." Smiling, he took the dirty dishes from our spots while the four us separated for the rest of the night.

"Dave, help me put the dishes away." Giving my dad a confused look, I walked over with a nod.

"Sure, pops." It was an easy enough task, one that I was glad to do.

It was just weird, dad liked to do everything himself.

As I waited beside him, ready to be handed utensils and plates, he started talking, "So you asked Emily out?" 

Groaning at the question, I couldn't look him in the eye, "Dad, I don't want to talk about this." I turned away and was a second away from just running up to my room not wanting to face the embarrassment again.

"Dave," A soaked hand tightly held my shoulder, keeping me still, "it's honestly nothing to be so embarrassed about, you asked out a girl and she said no. It happens all the time, to everyone."

"Yeah but it's Emily!"

"Yeah, I saw that one a mile away. What I didn't see coming was you ignoring her because of her answer."

David felt a bubble of shame in his chest, "How can we still be friends?" I questioned my dad, turning back around to look at him, I could see the understanding in his eyes.

"You just be friends, it will be awkward for a few weeks, maybe a few months but eventually it will be a funny memory." Tears began to gather at the corner of my eyes.

"I don't want it to be a funny memory." My voice became strained and watery, I hated it deeply, "I want her to love me like I love her."

Dad pulled me into a tight hug, "I know bud but that's just not how life works, now you can cut off your friendship with her which will hurt you both deeply but I'm sure in time you'll both get over it or you can be her friend and have her in your life."

"I..I can't even look at her dad? I'm so confused and embarrassed and angry." I tried wiping away the tears before they could fall but no matter how many times I did they just kept gathering before finally streaming down my face, "Why doesn't she love me?" My voice was so weak, so pitiful.

I hated myself a little more because of it.

"I don't know and she probably doesn't either. That's just how feelings work sometimes, you can't force yourself to love someone or not to love someone, it just happens and it didn't happen to her. It's no one's fault." I nodded a little at his words.

"It's your choice David and no matter what you do it will be the right one because you can't control how you feel either. If you feel like you can't be her friend anymore, that it can't be done, then don't force yourself. it's not fair to you or her." I nodded against his shoulder before pulling away.

"Thanks dad."

"No problem, sport."

Walking to my room I had a lot to think about because, like always, my dad was right.

It's not Emily's fault and it's not my fault.

I fell in love with her and she just saw me as a friend and that was okay.

It didn't really change anything between us or it shouldn't have until my stupid, intrusive thoughts got in the way.

But that also didn't change the fact that I was still deeply hurt and that was okay too, I had the right to my feelings.

So maybe when I'm not feeling so hurt and embarrassed, and angry I can try being her friend again and hopefully she'll let me.

But if she didn't, I guess that's just life.

God, life sucks.

…

"Come on David, you can do it." I tried to encourage myself as I ran around the track, "You can do it!" Pushing myself, I tried to break my previous record by at least a second.

I could feel the setting sun on my back, the wind against my face.

I loved running, and could do it forever if I could.

But like all things it had to end.

"BRING~!~BRING~!" Stopping, I looked at the alarm going off on my phone and saw how late it was getting, with a sigh I stopped.

Taking several deep breaths, I walked to the locker room and changed my sweat soaked clothes before strolling back out of the empty room.

Walking my usual track home I stared at the orange sky that slowly became a dark starry blue. I eventually stood in front of my house but my eyes strayed to the house next door.

Emily's house.

It had been almost three months since I had even looked at her. She and I texted a little but besides that I had no contact with her and it was basically Hell.

Except it didn't hurt like it did two weeks ago let alone at the beginning.

My thoughts weren't consumed by her rejection, I haven't thought about ways to change myself to get her to like me.

Now I just miss her.

Her company, her laugh, her jokes but it wasn't a romantic sort of longing, not completely anyway.

I didn't feel angry or embarrassed.

I didn't feel all that hurt either.

I just wanted to hang out with her again.

Walking over, I climbed up the front porch steps and firmly knocked on the blue door.

I barely waited ten seconds before it swung open with Emily giving me the stink eye.

"Yes Mr. Anders?"

"Sorry to bother you Ms. Parks but I was just wondering, did you beat the boss yet?" I asked with a small smile.

The girl across from me scowled and looked away, "Shut up, Davie." She muttered and I gave a small chuckle.

"I bet I could beat him in less than three minutes." Emily glared at me so harshly, I was sure I was going to combust right this second.

"How much?" She asked and my small smile became a grin.

"I have thirty bucks on me." Emily smiled nastily and dragged me in by collar.

"You better not be a sore loser or I swear to God-" She swung the door closed and just like that we were friends again.

She forgiven me for ghosting her.

Well I'm sure she has some payback In mind but Emily and I were good.

God, sometimes life rules.