Friday Night Music!

It was late afternoon and the weight of the day had begun to pull down on her shoulders,  like an actual weight.  The house was cold and the chill seemed to seep into her very core being.  She looked out the window at the lengthening shadows of the day,  the dusk descending ,  both fit her mood!

Laura had known for some time that things were changing,  there was less and less reason to be excited or happy as she understood one sided love was hopeless.  But was it love?  Tonight her mood was just right for accepting the facts but what were the facts?   

~~~~~

A very casual beginning,  friends getting together to enjoy music, part of a Friday night group really but then noticing him more and more.  He seemed a bit dashing, not flamboyant but rather worldly.   He had a cocky confidence that attracted her to him but in the end she now realizes that facade covered an insecurity that never ever left him. 

He had something missing from his life and his need may have been life long.   Nevertheless,  Laura found her eyes going to him often,  listening to what he was saying,  watching him enjoy music and conversation.  Yes he was worldly and led a busy active life.  He was also married and so her interest was just watching an interesting well put together person.  Many in the group were downright boring or annoying but she found herself wanting to know more and more about him.   

Yes, questions loomed but she could not ask outright so she just watched and listened.  Usually one glass of wine would do for the time she intended to stay but on nights when he was there she usually stayed for two glasses of wine and she found herself singing along and enjoying the bands.   

Thinking back she remembers feeling totally ridiculous when she felt jealous of his attentions to others,  they barely spoke after all so she had no reason to feel jealousy.   Going home on one of these nights, Laura realizes he is the reason she keeps going and also how pointless it all is so she decides to skip these invitations for Friday night music with friends as this attraction would eventually turn to sorrow.

After two missed Friday nights,  her friend Jane called round to see if she was well and why she had stopped coming out for the music.     Laura just used life and a busy schedule as her excuse and added ...it didn’t look like her life would change any time soon.   Her friend seemed disappointed and added that it was too bad as folks had been asking after her.  Betty and Ruth had missed her and even Steven had asked about what had become of her!   

His name,  just hearing his name created a tiny thrill,  and he had mentioned her,  it was confusing but Laura had to admit she was more than pleased.  How strange that something so simple as finding someone interesting had just created a thrilling moment in her otherwise calm life.

The following Friday,  as Laura went about her day,  she waffled between going for the music or calling a friend for a movie.   Her mind knew the movie the safer and probably the more enjoyable option so she called her friend but found her gone for the weekend.   

Well,  maybe she would go see Betty and Ruth and the others,  just one wine...and then home....she wanted to get out on Saturday and find a beach to walk,  shells and stones and gulls.   She needed the freedom of wind and water,  thinking time.

Arriving a little late,  she actually bumped  into Steven by the door.  He is quick with a “Hello Stranger,  welcome back!”   This is echoed by many in the room and so there she was,  back in the swing of things.  Friday nights of music and friendship,  but Laura knew it was more and she also knew it was foolish.  

She tries to find places to sit where she can see and hear him,  she feels foolishly like a teen with a crush,  he is pleasant and always finds time for a word or two but Steven is no wall flower, he spreads himself around and no question,  we all enjoy him.  He loves to circulate talking to friends, his arm casually around shoulders or waist,  I wait all evening for my turn.  I feel the color come up in my face as he leans in to be heard over the music.    I cannot see that he favors anyone special,  just loves to talk and sing and occasionally he will dance,  but mostly it is when one of those songs are playing that no one in the room can keep their feet still.

It was on one of those nights when many of the old favorites were played and we were dancing more than talking that we ended up dancing together and I was happy for the second wine for courage.  It was while dancing he suggested we get together for coffee someday,  he heard I run the trails and paths of the park,  maybe meet some morning for a run and a coffee....what did I think?   Would I be up for that?

And so it began.    A friendship that deepened into a feeling of love.   It was strange to be close to middle age and never to have felt these emotions before,  so new,  so intense.   We met often,  always in public,  we shared our lives,  how our days went,  what we were up to,  things that worried us and often moments of joy as well.   Yes I was totally involved emotionally.   Beyond involved,  I lived for our moments.

But then there was reality,  he was not free nor did he want to be free.  He loved his family just as he loved life,  each moment,  and I was just one of his moments.   Early in our morning runs or walks I began greeting him with a hug and smile but I really wanted much more of an embrace.....I wanted to hold him,  to feel the real solid man that he was against me,  not a brief moment but a long warm enduring moment.

Maybe this is where things started to go wrong....Steven seemed to enjoy our frequent contacts but he never went beyond friendship.  I loved our time together and I think he did too but something always held him back.   I wanted more......he just appeared to be very happy when we were together.  Always it was he who suggested the next meeting,  he was excited to be together,  I could feel it but then,  I just don’t know or understand!   I would never ask!   I would never admit my wants and needs and really my desire for him!

Summer was over and autumn was about gone as well,  I wanted to drive to the beach,  walk the sand and the boardwalks one last time before winter.   I mentioned this to Steven in hopes he may suggest coming along....just a day away....I have talked often of how exhilarating it is for me to be in that element,  so many of my favorite things.  

I hoped in my heart he would love the privacy of an out of town adventure but he just turned away and murmured, “have fun!” “Think of me!”  “Come back safe!”   

And so I went alone.....so much quiet time to think...to place the puzzle pieces in some order to make sense!

Walking a beach,  bending to pick up small finds,  examining detail of pattern and color, it was always something Laura had loved to do and thought of it as a welcome time....a thoughtful time.

Sitting in the sand her hands caressing  a shell with a smooth inside and a bumpy outer shell,  turning it over and over in her hands, her mind went again and again to Steven.  When things were smooth with him she was happy almost joyous but like this shell,  there was always the bumpy side.   The not knowing, not understanding and yet, in her heart believing,  he felt the same,  she was so sure he felt the same!  This could not be a one sided thing.   There was so much feeling.   She could sense his emotion, his excitement but the fact is,  he never acts on this feeling.  It is a fact that love requires both people to participate and this was not happening.   

As she drives home,  Laura is happy in a very unhappy way.   She has made a decision.  She has a very busy time ahead in her life and so it is a perfect time to say goodbye to Steven.   No real goodbye,  big and official and dramatic, no big scene or explanation,  just a life going forward with no time for him.  No part for him to play.   

She needs to be open to other people and places and besides,  he may not even notice.   There is always that....he will not notice or care!   How foolish she has been to throw herself into this one sided endeavor.   Part of the tumultuous feeling is never wanting to hurt him....or be hurt herself,  but it is too late for her,  she hurts,  she already aches for him but nothing could be more hurtful except continuing when he feels no love!

As she arrives back to her home,  the light flashes on her machine...Message Waiting.....her purse still in her hand she pushes the button......”Hey Hello You!”  “ Are we on for tomorrow at the park?”

She thought she would not have to say goodbye but here he is ready to pick up where they left off.   She must answer him but how do you say goodbye.    How do you say goodbye?   The words linger in her mind...How do you say goodbye?

Laura wishes she had not pressed the button.   It would be dishonest to just ignore his message.  She begins doing small things that require doing but her attention keeps going back to the phone and his message.

Finally she dials his number and he picks it up on the first ring!   Laughing she wonders out loud if he was sitting on the phone.  Now they both laugh and Steven says, “ I have been waiting, I hoped it would be you and you were planning on a run in the morning,  I have really been enjoying out times together!”   

There it is again....mixed signals...he sounded excited, interested and happy....but where was the truth,  what were the facts?

After a very restless night Laura dreads the meeting with Steven as she has decided to be open and honest with him.   The only way she can see ahead is do as little damage as possible and again we are back to....maybe he won’t care and there will be no damage!

Meeting at the usual spot, it is so very good to see him!   Laura busies herself with a shoelace as he arrives so no hug of any kind and soon they are jogging,  him asking about her beach combing and traffic and just stuff.   When they reach the place they usually stop to rest and stretch,  Laura takes her courage in her hands and begins to tell him her thoughts.

“Steven?”   “We’re friends, right?”    “And friends are always honest with each other?”     “I need to say some things that may make you uncomfortable but I need to say them.”   “Is this ok?”

Very uncharacteristically for Steven, he looks uncomfortable like he wants to run on down the path without her but he sits down on the bench and now he fusses with his shoe laces.  He is waiting,  eyes down to the ground.

She begins by telling him that her whole day away was filled with trying to find the words for this conversation.   It is so important for her to say these things,  to clear the air,  to stop being so foolish and grow up.   

Now we both laugh....actually laugh....a middle age woman needing to grow up,  it strikes us both as funny or are we just mutually delaying the words.  Who would have guessed that she could laugh in the middle of this misery,  find relaxed humor but that was Steven ,  he made you feel that everything would be alright.

“I guess the only way to say this is to just say it,  my feelings for you have gone from friendship to so much more,  your friendship has filled me with such joy that I have emotions that are so new to me I have no idea what to do with myself or these emotions“.   “I never want to put you on the spot so I don’t expect or even want an answer or a statement, I just wanted you to know that you have done nothing wrong,  nothing at all, but I cannot go on pretending friendship when my heart is full of you”!    “You are my joy”

The silence was complete except for a distant dog barking and the traffic noise nearby.   She started off down the path toward the  parked cars,   She didn’t expect him to say anything but still she thought he might.

Steven watches Laura jog away and finally he calls after her..” Hey wait,  hold on,  are you trying to win this race while I’m tying my shoe”? 

Her vision is a blur and her breaking point is very close but again she must laugh....my Steven...always the right words at the right time.

Now we both stop again....this time Steven fights for the right words.  “My lovely lovely Laura,  who would not want to be with you,  spend time and laugh and talk,  I have been avoiding this day too as my feelings have been like a run away train,  it is an amazing thing to feel this young again,  this vibrant and mostly,  it is so perfect to feel so appreciated”.   

“When folks are married it is not that their love dies, that they no longer love,  but the spontaneous appreciation goes away and each day becomes some form of mundane,  you just are...but you still love each other”.     

“Laura my dear girl,  you are my joy also,  my joy,  my forbidden joy”!    

“And now we must decide what to do about this”!   “In my mind it would be a terrible waste of happiness not to continue to be friends,  we click,  we offer each other so much.....we just can never go beyond friendship.”   

“Friends can and often do love one another ,  that is what I hope for us my sweet girl,  that we care for and about one another but never go to a place where we may both regret or feel sorry about,  that is where the pain comes in!”

“Loving is joyful!”

Now Laura gives Steven the brisk hug she avoided when she arrived. 

She feels great relief! 

Her heart is not broken!  

He does love her after a fashion and they both understand how to go forward..

They will go forward in Joy!