This is Life

Mental health, postpartum depression, suicidal ideation

November 26th

Two more days until our little Teddy Joseph is here! We double then triple-checked the hospital bag and loaded it into the car. Kaleb took some final pregnancy photos of me, then we took some together to commemorate our last two days as just husband and wife before we become parents. We can’t wait to snuggle our little Teddy bear! I think he’s excited to join the world as well, he’s been kicking and rolling around like crazy.

November 27th

We're going to the hospital tomorrow morning and getting induced. Fingers crossed Teddy will be here no later than 24 hours after we arrive, but we will be staying as long as our insurance lets us, but now that the day is (almost) here I’m ready for pregnancy to be over. I shaved from my hips to my toes and clipped and painted my toenails. I feel like there's something else I'm supposed to do, but I can't remember. 'Pregnancy brain' will be gone soon!

November 28th

Just a quick entry before I fall asleep. Our baby boy is here and perfect. The three of us just got to the mother and child suite. We’re all tuckered out. Goodnight.

November 29th

After 13 hours, our baby boy arrived. 7 pounds, 2 ounces; 21 inches long. Everything went perfectly. After looking at him for a while Kaleb and I decided to name him Parker Joseph, sorry dad. We'll have to return a few blankets and a picture frame. Parker is so beautiful, he has so much brown hair and big blue eyes, just like his daddy. The moment I heard him I fell in love as if I wasn’t already. Once they laid him on my chest he stopped crying, like he knew he was safe and loved there. 

December 1st

Sorry I haven’t written. We’ve been at the hospital and trying to learn how to breastfeed. Parker had his first diaper change, first bath, and first smile. He is the most precious thing ever, even the nurses were saying so. He slept one night in our room, and then the next night in the nursery with all the other babies. We’re home now and Parker is asleep in his crib. He looks so tiny on the big mattress. I sat and watched him breathe for a while as Kaleb unpacked everything from the hospital. People keep asking me how I'm feeling, and I feel great! I've never been happier. Although it turns out 'pregnancy brain' doesn't go away, it just turns into 'mom brain'. 

December 2nd

Kaleb and I took Parker on his first walk. We went around the block. Parker slept most of the time but woke up towards the end. He’s so wonderful.

December 3rd 

Kaleb put up our Christmas tree today. We decided to use a fake tree this year, we don’t want to risk any issues with Parker and a real tree. I want to get a picture of him asleep underneath the tree. I need to get him a stocking that matches mine and Kaleb’s. Is he too young to go see Santa? I feel like he is, but if I don’t take him he won’t get that opportunity until he’s one. I just want him to have every bit of happiness he can. 

December 4th

Parker is such a cutie. He smiles all the time. He’s so good at eating, but I think I might move him to a bottle as well, that way Kaleb can feed him at night and I can feel less awkward out in public, even though I love holding my baby close to me.

December 12th

Parker is two weeks old, and I'm so tired, of course. I don't know how Kaleb isn't having to take a nap in the middle of the day like I am, but he's going back to work tomorrow. I don’t know why but I’m very nervous. I want to cry just thinking about him leaving in the morning. I will have to do all the feedings, diaper changes, tummy time, and see to all my personal needs completely alone.

December 21st

Christmas is coming up. I didn't even think about that. It's been almost a month since Parker was born, but I'm nowhere near being ready for Christmas. I have to take Parker's Christmas pictures, get an appointment for Santa, get bingo gifts ready, buy stocking stuffers, and finish getting the house ready, and I never got a picture of Parker sleeping under the tree. 

December 22nd

I just remembered that I have to bake cookies, write a letter to Santa, and set up a glass of milk. I know he won't be able to appreciate any of it, but doing it for his very first Christmas sets a good precedent for years to come. Maybe if I could go a minute without me or Parker crying we could get somewhere. I don’t have time to take care of Parker, the house, and write here. 

December 25th

It's Christmas. There's not much to say, just a normal day for the most part. Parker is a cutie and I love him. 

January 1st

Happy new year. My resolution, be a better mom. Enjoy Parker. I don't know why I can't.

January 8th

January 19th

Whatever

January 23rd

Parker is almost 2 months old. He's not sleeping as much in the day as he used to, which kind of sucks, it makes the day a lot harder and longer. Especially on days when Kaleb stays late at work. Somehow, in the extra hour that it takes for him to get home everything falls apart. 

January 27th

My first day back at work is tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also apprehensive about how I'll feel tomorrow when it's time to leave. My mom is coming up and will be watching Parker while I'm gone. 

February 2nd

My birthday wish is to be able to love Parker as much as I should. I don’t know why I can’t, but he doesn’t deserve it. He deserves all the love I can give him, there just needs to be more there for him. 

February 4th

I don't know if I should have become a mom.

February 13th

I feel like Kaleb is sick of me, I feel like he just gets mad every time I cry and hates how much I have to sleep. That's fine, I'm sick of him and all of this, too. Should I just pack up everything and leave? Go somewhere and fall off the face of the earth? It would be better for everyone. I’d leave Parker with his dad who can take care of him and love him.

February 15th

Yesterday was Valentine's day. We didn't do anything. I didn't want to do anything anyway. Kaleb made some steak and shrimp and we watched a movie while Parker was at Kaleb's parent's house. I couldn’t stand being away from him that long. I missed my baby so much we went and picked him up early

February 19th 

This life is not worth recording.

February 25th 

I’m so frustrated. I lay awake in bed for like two hours trying to fall asleep, and then am begging for a nap all day long. I’m so angry at everything and everyone. Why can’t Parker ever just stop crying? As soon Kaleb gets home he just complains about work and the house as if I’ve been home all day able to clean. I’ve been at work too and it’s just as difficult, and when I am home I have a child who needs me. A real, living human being who never lets me do anything except hold him, but no one here cares about me. I’m all alone. 

March 2nd

Tomorrow is my last day of work. I decided to quit so that I am the one taking care of my child. I miss him so much when I’m away, but when it’s just us at home I get so irritated and wish I had somewhere to go, so I don’t know how well this is going to go. 

March 7th

I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for almost a week now. I don’t know how I feel about it. I don’t really feel much about anything. People keep asking me how I like being my mom, and I don’t know how to answer them.  

March 26th

I went to the doctor today, Kaleb made the appointment, and I got on some meds for depression. I guess we’ll just see how this goes if I can remember to take them. 

April 1st

I’ve been on the pills for a week. They seem to be helping and I’m feeling more normal; less anxious and disappointed when I look at Parker. Disappointed in myself, not Parker. 

April 3rd

I didn’t take my pills yesterday. That was a nightmare for everyone. I took them today, but I feel like I’m about to cry for no reason. 

April 12th 

Sorry for not writing. There just doesn’t seem to be much to write about. I’m taking lots of pictures and videos of Parker, so I am recording life in one way. I just don’t feel like anything new is happening, and nothing worth taking the time to write down. Even if I open a new page with a pen in my hand my brain is too scattered and tired to write anything down before Kaleb or Parker need me.

April 26th

I don’t want to write this down. I had a bad thought last night about hurting Parker. I’m so ashamed. Nothing happened. I just pretended to be asleep every time he woke up and let Kaleb deal with it. I didn’t tell him what I thought about. 

May 2nd

It’s 12:51. Kaleb and I went to bed at 9:00. I haven’t slept at all. 

May 4th

I tried to kill myself. Or I tried to try. 

May 8th

The other day was the second or third day in a row of not taking my meds. I don’t know why I wasn’t taking them, I suppose I just didn’t think of it. During that time my depression, anger, and suicidal ideation got worse, but I didn’t notice anything was changing. I snapped at Kaleb more and got bitter at Parker quicker, and more resentful toward both of them. I didn’t do anything, but I sat with the razor against my wrist, pressed into my skin for what seemed like a lifetime. Each moment got closer and closer. I was going to slice down, I knew what I was doing. What is that quote all those teenage boys say? ‘Vertical for results’ or something like that. I do wonder to myself, if I had chosen a less painful way, would I have been able to go through with it?

Kaleb finally barged in on me and saw me with tears and snot running down my face. He took me to the emergency room and I was 5150’d. 

Today is my first day in the mental hospital! I don’t know how long I’ll be here, and I miss Parker so much it hurts, but I know I need to work on getting better before I leave, not just pretend I’m better. So to repeat what I’ve been told three times today, “Today is the first day of the rest of my life!”

May 16th

I am home from the hospital and have been holding my boy until he fell asleep, and a little after. I was journaling in the hospital, but they kept it. I guess they want to read all the dirty little secrets I wrote about everyone. I missed Parker so much while I was gone. I don’t know how yet, but I am never going to get to that place where I have to leave him again. I have a refill on all my meds, therapy sessions scheduled, some private and some with Kaleb, a fancy new journal for when you’re all filled up, vitamins, and lots of tips on self-care and time management. 

May 17th

No offense, but I think I’m going to cut back on my journaling. Unless something extremely notable happens I'm only going to write once a week. The pressure to do enough in a day to write down, and then write it all down has been causing me stress for a long time, so while I enjoy journaling, and think it is important for posterity I am going to take care of myself in the present and eliminate stressors.

May 21st

Sometimes I look at Parker and just can't believe it's real. He is a real human being with thoughts, feelings, and dreams. He has taken a place on the earth that will always be his, and if he were to leave this earth it would be known. Sometimes I think about his name, and I don't know why but it seems crazy to me. Something about the permanence of it surprises me, but only when I’m really tired or tipsy. When I do look at Parker I don’t think of all the ways I’m failing, or all the ways I’m disconnected from him. I just love him. 

May 28th

I’m really sorry that we didn’t name Parker after you, dad. I know we promised we would and you’re probably disappointed even though you say you don’t care. I’m really, really sorry. Maybe we should have named him Teddy and he could have been our teddy bear, just like we planned. Everyone’s named Parker, no one is named Theodore. I was messing up from the very start. I haven’t taken my pills yet today, I probably should, although it’s almost the end of the day so what's the point? 

June 4th

Kaleb and I had our first night away from Parker. We sent him to my mom and dad’s house and got a hotel for the night. Nothing fancy, but a king bed we didn’t have to make and breakfast we didn’t have to clean up. And a hot tub. We stayed up until 10 P.M. like teenagers. We thought about buying a bottle of wine, but I’m sure that if we had I would have passed out after one glass. I missed Parker terribly, but I knew he was safe, and of course, there was an SVU marathon on TV that I could watch to distract myself. It was nice to have a solid night of uninterrupted sleep. The bed was so big that I didn’t have to touch Kaleb unless I wanted to; which I did. 

June 11th

I still have bad days, bad thoughts, and sometimes just want to get in the car, and forget any of this ever happened, but then I realize that I haven’t taken my pills yet, get a glass of water, and take some time to watch TV, or read, or play on my phone. I do feel like I’m not doing enough for Parker. I think about mothers before technology took over the world and consider all the things they must have done with their children to enrich their lives, and I honestly have no idea. I guess I should have read some books before getting pregnant, or at least before giving birth.

June 18th

I just changed therapists, I’ve decided to go to one who is more specialized in postpartum depression. She seems very nice, not that my previous one wasn’t. We didn’t do too much besides introducing ourselves to each other, but I’m optimistic about the future. 

June 25th

Parker is nearly six months old. He’s starting to become independent and he’s trying to crawl, but he’s not there quite yet. He makes lots of sounds trying to talk to us. He’s almost sleeping all through the night, and he loves cheerios.

July 2nd

I’ve slept on the couch about three times in the last month. Kaleb just grates on my nerves, but it’s not just him, it’s Parker too. He doesn’t make things easier, but Kaleb agreed to come to therapy with me. I think it will be good for us. 

July 9th

I am thankful for my house. I’m thankful for Kaleb. I’m thankful for Parker. I’m thankful for my life. I’m thankful for Kaleb’s job which provides for our home, and our livelihood. I’m thankful for the luxuries of modern living. I’m thankful for my medications, doctors, and therapy. I’m thankful for friends and family, adults that I can talk to, instead of just a baby, but I am grateful for my baby.

July 16th

I’m still in shock from therapy. Kaleb told me that the reason he had been staying late at work was so that he could make extra money. He’d started staying late once Parker was born so that I could quit whenever I wanted without having to worry about it, and now to pay for doctor’s visits and medication. I wish he had told me so that I could be more understanding instead of irritable when he came home late. I guess I could have just asked him or been grateful that he was working at all. He’s so sweet and knew I would need extra help from the very beginning. 

July 23rd

I don’t really notice anything changing as it’s changing, but when I look back, I feel miles and years away from where I was with Parker at the beginning. I think he knew how I felt about him when he was first born, that something was blocking me off, and he could only give me the love that I was giving him, but we’ve been playing a lot, and he cuddles me while we watch Bluey. I’ve started taking him to the park. He loves going down the slide and we have so much fun on the swings. When I swing him high he laughs so loudly and beautifully; it’s amazing.