... and I Watched You Go

Slowly, stiffly, a bird passing through a cloud, reality grabbed at his unfettering mind. The wind from the open window wafted over him sweetly, its tender touch a lover’s gentle caress. His eyes were closed tight like sealed tombs, and he felt the dream begin to leak out. He saw green eyes, red hair, flames shimmering on the waves. A smile spread itself across his diffused face as the spring air carried him away. She slipped away in shades until the scene was black and cold. Slowly, stiffly, his eyes began to open. He was alone.

The flames were now dull phosphorescent lights; green eyes, a pale tiled floor; red hair, plastic prescriptions. He looked down at his limp hands laying useless in his lap. The armrests of his wheelchair, peeled and discolored, pressed against his sides. In the distance, a mountain behind fog, his feet scraped the ground placidly.

Between the gentle gusts, the stale smell of the care facility clogged his throat. How many times had he awoken here? He slid his hand into the pond but found no fish. It felt an age and then some. It felt a second or third day; not quite new, not yet old. A hundred years or a handful of days, the smell was always new. He could taste it. It was a demon ‘round his throat. He wanted to spit, drink deep, wash it away, but his mouth was dry as ash.

“Oh, you’re awake,” the voice pulled him from his disgust. “I opened the window. Hope that’s okay.”

He tried to speak, but only a small grunt left his lips. The nurse was young, her hair gold in the sunlight… running beneath the setting sun, windblown cheeks, a laugh waiting to escape... Her eyes touched him softly, and he shrank beneath her gaze. Was it pity he saw? Disgust? Is there a difference? He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He wanted to run away. But he did none of that. Couldn't or wouldn’t, he pretended not to know. Instead, his head dropped to the side towards the window in a half nod.

“You want me to close it?” Her voice was soft, almost imperceptible.

He moved his head a fraction of an inch in the other direction to tell her no. He looked down at his hands and screamed at them silently to move. They sat frozen like an old dog lying in the sun. Finally, a finger twitched in the direction of the window.

“You want to look out the window?” She said with a small smile. “Blink twice if you do!” Her voice was playful now.

He blinked twice in quick succession, surprising even himself. A quivering smile followed it, and the nurse beamed with delight. She pushed him softly towards the window.

“It’s so good to see you like this. It’s been a while since I saw you smile.”

He tried to grunt.

“All right, here we are!” She positioned him in front of the window and locked the chair with a dull click. She bent over next to him, her hand on his shoulder. She looked into his eyes and he could smell the sea, felt the soft sand on his feet. “I’ll be back to check on you. It’s so beautiful out today. Enjoy it for me.” Her voice echoed out, ripples on water, and he felt sick. He watched her stand and walk away, his eyes begging her to stay as he watched her go.

He pulled himself from her and brought his eyes to the window. The sun shone brightly in the sky, bathing the grass in splendid light; a field of emeralds shivering in the crisp spring air. Flowers, yellow, blue, violet, lined the sidewalk that passed his window. Their sweet scent surrounded him, and he wondered if he’d ever smelled something so wonderful. Small bees darted around the flowers like children on a playground. The trees stretched their limbs, which creaked and groaned in the breeze. The leaves shuffled like laughter in the wind. There, far off, a black dot marred the azure sky.

Suddenly, the trees froze. The bees stopped mid-flight, the flowers stiff. The wind ceased, and he could no longer hear the groaning. Everything stopped for only a moment. Then, the bees flew backwards. The trees shifted unnaturally, their groans strained and creaks turned cracking. The flowers jumped backwards, and their scent began to fade.

His stomach turned and he shut his eyes tight.

After a few moments, the tomb unlocked and he could see again. The window, trees, bees, flowers, were all gone. Now, the sea pulsed in front of him. The sun was lower now, straddling the water’s edge. All the world was gold. He breathed in the briny air, tasted the salt. He looked down and realized he was standing, sand beneath his bare feet. Ahead, a pier jutted out of the coastline. The lights along the edge shimmered in the twilight, and he could see crowds of people walking the length. He turned his head and his heart seized.

She was there, her hand entwined with his. Her long red hair flowed behind her, caught and fluttering in the wind. She had a slight smile on her face as she watched the waves. Her lilac dress turned about her, the long ends dancing around rhythmically. She turned her head towards him, her green eyes glistening mischievously at him, her smile fuller now.

“I’ll race you there,” she shouted before breaking from him. She ran quickly, and he followed dutifully, the laugh easily passing from his lips. She always won their races.

She stopped near the pier and turned around, her hair like fire as it blew around her. She was laughing, her sweet voice drifting towards him with the wind’s gentle push. Her cheeks were red, her eyes piercing. Had there ever been such a magnificent sight?

Behind her, behind the pier, the black dot grew larger than the sun.

The ground beneath cracked open, and he fell down, a scream caught in his throat. Deeper, deeper. The world shifted and he began to rise, the stars in the sky speeding towards him. Higher, higher. A shift, and he was falling, then rising, falling, rising. The world stopped and he fell forward onto his hands and knees. His knees drop downwards, and the sand beneath his hands collected into a soft white sheet.

He was standing, leaning on a bed. The room was cold and sterile. The window was shut, and he couldn’t see the sun. All was gray. He turned his head in despair, and there she was.

She lay with her eyes open, lost in some distant sea. He grabbed her hand and she broke from her stupor. She turned her face towards him, and her eyes burned anew. Her hand was cold and weak, but her fingers snaked their way between his.

Not long, he heard from some corner. It’s time. We tried. The whispers chattered around him, drowning out everything else.

“I always win our races,” she said softly, her voice warm. The whispers died at the sound of her voice, and everything was her. Despite himself, he smiled meekly.

“It’s been a while since I saw you smile. But, my love, please, I wanted it this way. Me before you. I don’t think I could live with the grief.” She smiled sweetly.

He tried to respond, but his mouth was dry as ash.

“Promise me…” She looked tired and weak, as if the wind alone could snuff her out. “Everything is so beautiful in the setting sun… They say tomorrow will be a beautiful day…”

Her voice trailed off, and he looked away so she didn’t see his tears. In the sky, the black dot grew and grew. He begged it to go, begged for another moment. He turned back towards her, and she was looking back at him. Her emerald eyes glimmered, and tears wet her cheeks.

“Enjoy it for me,” she said, her voice a whisper.

And he watched her go.

The black dot grew around him, and drowned out the hospital room. He fell and rose. Light shifted around him, and he groped for a hand to hold. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He wanted to be seen.

He watched himself walking along the shore, alone. He watched himself walking along the pier. He watched him beneath the dying sun. The world blinked, and he watched himself walking backwards along the shore. He jumped forward, backward. It spun over him. The whole sky flickered; the wind gulped and struggled like a crying child.

He looked down and the wheelchair was there. Red hair left on a pillow. He looked up and saw the half-set sun. A field of emerald. He looked down and saw starched sheets. Lilacs on the window sill. He looked up and saw the morning sun glowing red like her cheeks, a laugh caught in the wind. He was alone.

He laughed and laughed.

He dashed through the sky, swam with the stars. He passed by massive torii gates. He jumped through the aurora, the pale green light waving him on his way. He walked over the great bridge, dazzling towers dotting the path. He was alone.

He laughed and laughed.

Then he was back on that beach. He watched her run, heard her laugh.

He laughed and laughed.

Then the colors began to fade, green, red, purple... His dream had sprung a leak. He watched her smile at him. He could taste the stale air. Dimmer and dimmer she grew, fading in shades. He reached for her, tried to call for her. She remained smiling, tears wetting her cheeks, as the darkness overpowered her.

… and he watched her go.