Silent Goodbyes

The porch looked darker then usual; there was less life about the peeling grey boards and the thin swing that shifted slightly back and forth in the breeze. My eyes were trained on the maroon door with its lime green trim that today remained unconcealed by the screen door which was decorated with large holes in the lining. I tried to look at anything besides the little girl sitting on the steps in front of me who clutched her faded teddy bear now stained with fresh tears.

In the silence of the morning I did my best to ignore her small whines, and I took one last glance at the poorly built fence that separated the chaos from the orderly front yard. It was strained, but I began to hear her say my name and I couldn’t help but smile at her off beat voice that she couldn’t hear and therefore couldn’t begin to appreciate its beauty. 

“Hi, Janey.” I mouthed the words slowly, taking care to pronounce each syllable so she could understand easier, but she shook her head. Taking a few steps closer I bent down and tried again to speak but she pressed her small fingers against my lips, and shook her head once more. In her clumsy voice she whispered, 

“Not ‘hi’. ‘Bye’.”

The laugh felt good in my chest; she was far too smart for just six years old. Moving my hands softly, I signed that she was right, I should have said goodbye. My hands were trembling as I made my way through the words. Though it was easy now to use this language, for some reason today I doubted each sign and fumbled through simple phrases I had been using for years. 

Jane noticed my mistakes and she buried her head into her shoulder in an attempt to hide her laughter. Since she was a toddler she had the habit of concealing her giggles, mostly because the other children in the foster home found the sound too loud or too rough. I loved it though. 

There were six kids in our home, and Jane was the youngest. Being a twelve year old boy I was supposed to wrestle with the other kids and watch cartoons on Mrs. Fray’s old television but I just liked to sit with Jane and play tea parties and help her color her princess books. She was just always so happy, and it was nice to be around something pure. I think that’s why the couple was drawn to me: I’m calmer than most of the boys and apparently they wanted someone who was older. 

I only met them once before but I heard from the oldest girl Kaycie, who was sixteen and constantly in trouble, that they were rich beyond our imaginations. Honestly, I didn’t care, I just wanted to stay with Jane.

“Dylan, why go?”

I frowned, momentarily swept up in a world I would soon never see again. I heard the sound of the car pull up in front of the house, but it felt like it was miles away. I signed quickly, trying to explain to this little kid a thousand reasons why I had to leave her in just a few seconds while at the same time managing to tell her nothing at all. 

Loudly the car honked, and I turned my head, which made Jane realize our time together had finally ran out. Tears began to flow even harder down her cheeks, and my eyes stung as I leaned down to press a kiss to her forehead. I backed up from the porch and stuck out my hand with my middle two fingers bent down in the sign for ‘I love you’. 

For a second she stared at my outstretched hand before turning and running back into the house in a blur of pink tutus and blonde pigtails. I sighed.

The walk to the car felt longer then the length of the front yard. Each step was painful, and my feet betrayed my longing to follow Jane into the safety of the foster house where nothing new happened. Everyday was the same, and everyday we were okay. I don’t want to know what will happen to Jane after I’m gone. My stomach groaned as I pictured her growing up without me standing by her side. When I climb into the car I accidentally slam the door. The couple shares a glance.

“Hey, Dylan, it’s nice to see you again, we’re so happy we can finally show you your new home. We think you’ll love your room! And we have a dog, Bently, he’s really cute he’s going to love you so much, and-”

She was trying too hard. I tuned her out and smiled vacantly as she rambled on. I wanted the car to start, and I wanted to leave the view of the foster home and the image of Jane sitting on the front steps holding the bear I bought for her. I’m glad they like me and they seem really sweet, but I didn’t care about them at the moment.

“Well?”

I blinked twice to find both of them staring back at me. My face reddened.

“I’m sorry, well what?” They laughed but I felt like they were mad at me for not listening to them. A small part of me hoped they would stop wanting me.

“Who was that girl you were talking to outside? Was she the deaf one we saw you playing with the other week?”

I smiled, happy to be on a topic I was interested in, but I was still slightly upset that we hadn’t left yet.

“That’s my little sister Jane. We’re not actually related but I call her my sister. I learned how to sign for her because, well, you know, she can’t hear anything. She’s awesome still though.” 

They nodded and seemed to settle into their seats almost as if I had reassured them of their choice. The man began to say something about school, but my eyes wandered to the porch as I saw a flash of pink in the corner of my eye. Standing on the top step Jane appeared, clutching her bear and looking straight at the car we were in. Grinning, she stuck out her hand and signed ‘I love you’, before waving goodbye and heading back inside for good this time. 

I turned away from the window and tuned back into the conversation just as we began to move down the street. I don’t know how, but I knew Jane would be okay.