The Inner Fire

The sky burned with orange and red streaks. From her window seat the pine trees poked the sky with their shadowy points, surrounding the old road with a greater darkness. The lights in the bus come on and she takes off her jacket and pulls at her tight jeans, her skin itchy from the hot dry air. She’s ol’ the driver had said when she asked him to turn down the heat. 

She counted five passengers when they left Tahoe. An old lady in the front, a grizzly looking couple at the back, and the boy and her. The boy kicked his feet back and forth, his legs too short to reach the floor. He’s got spider-man pajamas on. She tried to imagine the touch of her silk nightgown against her skin, the material cooling her. The boy turns and looks at her and smiles, revealing a row of white baby teeth. They’d be falling soon. 

How much longer? 

A while. A couple more days. 

Okay.

Are you bored? 

No. 

Don’t you think it’s hot on this bus? 

Yeah. 

Are you hungry? 

No. 

The bus slowed as it approached the border. She reached inside her handbag and pulled out her passport. She quickly wiped the residue of ash on her skin and brought the bag up to her nose to smell it. It still smelled of smoke. 

Two border patrol officers walked on the bus, their steps nearly rocking the old clunker back and forth. They took the driver's passport first and gave it a cursory glance before moving on to the old lady and taking it. Her muscles tightened as they approached her, staring with unblinking eyes. They took her passport and went to the back and took the last passports before leaving with them. The bus idled. She tasted metal in the back of her throat. The boy looked at her again. 

Do they know? 

No. I don’t think so. 

Are you sure? 

No. 

What will they do if they know? 

I don’t know. 

Fifteen minutes later the officers came back on the bus and gave everyone their passports and asked them the customary questions. She answered them as straight faced as she could, her muscles clenched like a vice grip. Then, they left and the bus jerked forward, winding deep into the dark forest roads of Canada. The boy popped up from the seat in front of her. 

That was close. 

Yes it was. 

Are you still hot? 

Yes. 

The bus reached a small town at one in the morning. She disembarked and watched as it puttered away into the endless black of night. She approached the motel across the street and checked in. The room had two queen sized beds. She didn’t open her suitcase. She went straight to the bathroom and took a cold shower until she could no longer feel her skin and she shivered. When she could no longer bear it she stepped out and dried herself off before lying naked on the other bed, still shivering. She closed her eyes. The acrid smell of hot metals and chemicals floated up to the back of her throat and in her nasal cavity. From the dark silence in her mind the deep roar of rising flames grew, followed by the reflection in the windshield and her hands tight on the steering wheel. Outside in the parking lot a woman was on the ground, her face twisted in a profound agony with one hand stretched out, her man trying to hold her back. She couldn’t hear the woman’s wails. The flames were too loud. It was too hot. She drove to her sister’s house and smiled and drank wine. She ignored the news. A month later, she went to the insurance office and picked up her check. That’s when the boy first appeared. . 

Are you sleeping? Said the boy. She opened her eyes. 

No. 

I was sleeping. 

I know. 

Do you? 

She rolled herself into a ball and could not sleep because the boy stood next to her and he smelled so wrong. 

She decided to hitchhike. Better to be in a car than a bus. At least she could have someone to talk to, maybe a local who could tell her about the area. Maybe they know of a small house for sale somewhere. 

She was picked up by an elderly American couple on their way up to Port Edward, where they would be taking a glacier cruise. From there she could take a boat to Juneau, they said. 

Where are you from? 

Kansas. 

Oh, what part? I have family down there. 

Just Kansas. Kansas City. 

I like Kansas, but I couldn’t live there. Too many tornados. And it’s not just the tornados, it’s what comes after! A good one might start a fire that can be tough to put out because of all the debris. 

She didn’t say much after that because she kept seeing the boy around every bend, engulfed in a ball of orange light, his mouth closed but screaming.

The boy didn’t join her on the boat to Juneau, but she was sure he’d be waiting at the port when she arrived. The ferry was big but more than half empty, she guessed it was that time of year. She tried to sleep in her bunk and managed to a little, and even managed to get something to eat. On the three day journey she looked out onto the black and white ocean and sucked in the cold gray air, the salt like a filter for her lungs. The water would be nice and cold, she thought. Maybe…maybe she could go for a swim. She put her hands on the bars and looked down. Yes. It looked so inviting. One last swim. She started climbing onto the railing when the little boy appeared and tugged on her shirt. 

Please don’t. 

I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were in there, you weren’t supposed to be. 

I don’t want you to go. 

Leave me alone. 

The little boy let go. She held onto the railing and started crying, the first time since the fire. She cried an ocean herself before climbing back down onto the ship and going back to her room. The boy was there, waiting for her. 

Are you ok?

I think so. 

Will you be? 

I don’t know. But I think this is goodbye. 

Why? 

I don’t want to see you anymore. 

Then why didn’t you jump? 

You might follow me. 

Oh. 

I’m sorry. 

When she opened her eyes, her room was empty. The announcement to disembark came on a few minutes later and she stepped into Juneau. She walked the streets, taking in the high mountain overlooking the small port town. She walked and walked and walked until she found the police station. At the door she turned and looked back, but the boy wasn’t there. She whispered a thank you for the company and went inside.