Fallen Asleep

Day 1 of no sleep:

I raise my hand. I ask Ms.Wilson if I can go to the bathroom. After getting permission I head out of the classroom. The first few days are always the worst. You’ll get headaches, can’t focus, and just straight up feel like shit. I get to the bathroom and open the nearest stall. I puke into the toilet for a few minutes before wiping my mouth with toilet paper. I wash my hands and look at my reflection in the mirror. I look like shit. It’s not that I don’t want to sleep, I’m just scared to. I head back to class almost tripping as I navigate back to my seat. 

Lu stares at me, “You ok, Pale Face?”

“Yeah I’m fine Lu.” 

I’ve given up on calling him by his real name, Lucas. Even as I focus on my notebook pretending to jot down notes I can feel him looking at me. His eyes analyze whether or not I slept last night. I didn’t, but he doesn’t need to know that. I zone out for the rest of class ignoring Lu’s prying eyes

Before lunch I stop at Dev’s locker. Devin is his real name. I lean against the wall facing him. 

“Hey,” I say, barely raising my voice louder than a whisper, “I’m running low.”

“You’ve got problems Pale Face.” He says it pretty loud, “Anyways come by tonight and I’ll give you more.”

After school at home, Dev texts me to come by his place. He lives in one of those houses where you look at it and think: someone actually lives there? It doesn’t bother me. Hell, I don’t even use my bed. He comes to the door without me even knocking. I feel my face get hot. 

His house smells of cigarettes and beer. His dad is passed out on the living room couch and reeks of piss and beer. At least his mom has a job, I’m guessing that’s where she is right now. He leads me to his room without looking at his dad. I follow him closely. 

His room is small and has a mattress, a dresser, a closet, and lots of posters hanging on his walls. I examine the posters and he walks behind me touching my waist. Butterflies spread through my body. He reaches in the bottom drawer of his dresser and takes out a ziplock bag containing pills. He walks over to me and puts the bag inside my front pocket. He’s so close I can feel his breath. I grab the money from my other pocket and hand it to him. My hands shake so much. 

“Did you sleep last night?” He whispers to my ear.

His voice is so soothing. It’s a little scratchy but so deep and protective I never want to stop hearing it.

“No.” It’s a simple answer that leaves out the part of how paranoid the thought of sleep makes me.

He leans down and kisses my neck. His silky black hair brushes against me. I let his hands feel his way around my body. He reveals my body and I reveal his. It’s amazing how he makes me feel more awake than I ever have for only ten minutes. Dev is like the pills I keep in my emergency kit. I shouldn’t like them but I do and they make me feel alive and stay awake.

Day 9 of no sleep:

It is Saturday and the Hockney’s are having a party. Jordan and Crystal Hockney are siblings and their parents are gone for the weekend. I refuse to go until Hayden and Olivia practically drag me out of my room. I guess it would be better to go socialize anyways. Maybe Dev will be there. My mom lets me go as long as I don’t get myself killed. I wear ripped jeans and a black shirt. We take a selfie together in my room and their full-of-life smiles outshine my worn out one. Even if all of theirs are also fake, they still look happier than mine.

We arrive at the Hockney's house at 10:00pm. It’s one of those parties where everyone gets fucked up then regrets even going in the first place. I wouldn’t be surprised if that happened to me. Inside, the music is loud and bangs against my ears. I already see a beer keg and over in the kitchen there’s more drinks. A group of people, who are clearly already drunk, huddle by the keg and cheer as they each chug from it. 

“Do you guys wanna go get a drink?” I ask.

“That’s the spirit, Sage!” Olivia shouts.

We all grab beers and Olivia spots Lu, Crew, and Marcus who already has three girls flirting with him. 

“I didn’t think you would come.” Lu says, smirking at me.

“Me either.” I take a gulp from the beer. I usually don’t drink.

The six of us laugh and joke around for a while. We comment on girl’s outfits that look like they just came from a strip club. We drink. We scream to the music and do things that regular teenagers would do at a party. From the corner of my eye, I see Dev coming down from upstairs with a girl following behind him.

Oh hell no.

I walk over to Dev.

“Hey Dev.” I say.

“I didn’t expect you to be here,” his voice slurs as though he’s already drunk, “this is my good friend Charlie.” He motions to the girl next to him. She has short black hair and wears a black skirt over leggings. She wears a crop top and lots of rings.

I want to ask what they were doing but I don’t think I want to know. My body gets tense as a notice how she’s everything I’m not. Of course he would choose her over me. Who wouldn’t? 

Charlie quickly says, “Well, I should like, get back to my friends. It was cool to meet you.” 

It’s just me and Dev now. I chug the rest of the beer I have. I have already had enough for me to get drunk.

“Nice girl-friend you have.” I spit out.

“Don’t worry. You have nothing to worry about with me and her. She’s just an old friend.”

“Yeah, so that’s why you were upstairs with her doing god knows what.”

“Stop overreacting. I already told you, it was nothing.” He dismisses it as though he can’t hear what I’m saying.

“I’m gonna go grab another beer.” 

I need to escape. I need to wash everything away with more beer. As I chug another one, I think about how comforting it is. The warm feeling going down my throat. The fog it puts over my thoughts. I need this. I’ll just drink until I can’t anymore. I’ll drink until Dev is the last thought in my mind and thinking about him doesn’t hurt anymore. I find my way over to the beer keg and to the middle of the crowd.

Everyone starts cheering, “Chug! Chug! Chug!”

So I chug. I only stop when I puke, catching it in an empty cup nearby. I raise my arm in the air and the group starts hollering and pumping me up.

I stagger away and bump into Lu.

“Oh, sorry.” My voice slurs and it sounds funny so I giggle.

“Woah. Are you okay? How much did you drink?”

“Well, so far like… I don’t remember actually. I was by the keg.”

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough?” He touches my shoulder. 

I change the subject, “I need to go find someone.”

Lu calls after me, “What the hell, Sage!”

I’m already gone and when I see the person I’m looking for, I can’t help but smile. He’s so perfect. He’s leaning against the wall as if he’s been looking for me this whole time, waiting for me to come. 

“Hey PaleFace.”

“Hey Dev.” I blush.

He touches my hand and thousands of sparks shoot through me. I don’t know why but I lean in to kiss him. He backs away. My face drops. He asks if I want to go upstairs. I smile. I follow him. 

It’s been two hours since we arrived. It’s 11:59 pm.

Day 9 of no sleep:

Dev brings me to a room with no one in it. He shuts the door behind us. He pulls me in close and kisses me. I kiss him back, savoring the taste of cigarettes and beer on his lips. My hands feel around his neck and down his back. He is the life jacket that keeps me from sinking. I jump out of my skin and gasp after hearing the sudden noise. I turn around and freeze when I see Lu rushing into the room.

“What the hell is going on?” Lu practically yells. 

He looks furious. I have never seen him turn into this version of himself before. It reminds me of when my dad yelled at me for spilling juice on the carpet. He chased me into the bathroom so I curled up in the tub and cried for hours. That was a while ago though.

I try to leave the room but Lu grabs me by my waist and carries me.

He points at Dev, “Stay the fuck away from her.”

He carries me out of the room. Dev chases him and yells at him until we get outside in the front yard. 

“Where the fuck do you think your going?” Dev shouts.

Lu puts me down. He walks over to Dev and punches him point blank in his face. His nose is bleeding now. I run over to them and try to push Dev, who is now attacking Lu. He pushes me out of the way and I fall flat to the ground. My head hurts so bad and everything spins. I get flashbacks to when my dad had thrown a glass cup at my head and everything spun around me for almost an hour. He tried apologizing to me, saying he didn’t mean to but I kept scooting away from him on the floor.

 My hands bleed from the concrete driveway. The boys fight. I try to get up and push myself off the ground. My head hurts too much and I fall back down. Everything is spinning. Everything hurts. 

I moan, “Stop. Just please stop.” 

They can’t hear me over my sobbing. Lu punches Dev again, making him bleed more. Dev hits the ground and gets up but something gets thrown at Lu’s face. He covers his face as blood gushes out. I realize what happened as Dev goes to grab another rock to throw. 

No. Stop. 

They freeze as a cop car siren blares through the night.

Shit. Who the hell called the cops?

Everyone inside panics and rushes out. The music stops and the party shuts down. People shout and shove before breaking into a sprint. I sit, frozen. My eyes water and I sob on the driveway. I can’t get up and I don’t want to leave the boys. They are laying on the ground. Two people run over to me and drag me into a car. It’s Olivia and Hayden. Olivia steps on the gas and drives away. I’m too wrecked to do anything but cry and let out ugly noises. They drive me to my house and explain how they didn’t have time to get Lu. They help me get inside and I sit in my room until it becomes light out.

Olivia and Hayden call me and fill me in on what happened to Lu and Dev.

“They got arrested?” I ask into the phone. 

“Yeah, for underage drinking and fighting. The Hockney siblings got busted too.”

Day 11 of no sleep:

Lu and Dev are back at school. They are both still mad at me. Lu won’t talk to me in class and his face looks really beat up. He has a patch right above his left eye and other areas look bruised. I ask Mrs.Wilson if I can go to the bathroom. I run into a stall and start puking. I collapse on the floor and start shaking. I cry for a few minutes before walking out of the stall. In the mirror, I can see that my face looks paler than usual and my eyes are now red. When I get back to class, Lu doesn’t even look at me. 

Before lunch, I stop at Dev’s locker. 

He doesn’t give me time to speak before saying, “I’m not supposed to be talking to you.”

“I'm sorry” I let out, not knowing what to say.

“I can’t supply you anymore, by the way.”

Shit. I hadn’t even thought about that. 

“Wh-what am I gonna do?”

“I’m sorry but you’re going to have to figure it out. I can’t be caught with that shit anymore.”

A tear falls down my face. I don’t even care who’s watching. I messed everything up and I can’t go back. Dev wipes the tear from my face. He brings me into a tight hug. 

“Don’t cry. It’ll be alright.” 

I head to lunch. Everyone is at the table. 

“How is everything, Lucas?” Crew asks.

“It’s been better,” He looks at me, “How are you and Devin.”

“What do you mean?” I say, acting like I don’t know what he’s talking about.

Everyone’s gonna know now.

“Did she not tell you why we were fighting?”

Everyone shakes their heads.

“Well, when did it start. Ohhh yeah, when she stumbled into me blackout drunk then said she needed to go find someone. Well later, I saw her follow Devin upstairs and when I walked into the room they were in they were hav-“

“First of all,” I say, blood rushing to my head, “We were all drunk. Including you. Second, we never even did anything because you barged into the room and went all crazy.”

“Right. Sorry for making sure you were okay.”

I raise my voice, “I never needed you to make sure I was okay.”

“So it’s all my fault then? Right everyone?”.

“You guys only care about yourselves. You can’t seriously blame me for all the shit that happened yesterday.” I snap.

“You are more selfish than any of us.” Crew says quietly.

“What?” I say, surprised that he was the one who said that.

“How many days has it been since you slept?” 

My heart pounds. I start shaking. My hands are sweaty.

“How many days? Nine, ten, eleven?” Crew continues.

I stare, frozen. 

“Eleven.” I whisper.

“Oh yeah, you guys don’t know that she never sleeps.” Lu snaps.

Everyone is confused now. Tears slip down my face and I don’t have the guts to look up at everyone.

“I only said it’s selfish because you aren’t taking care of yourself. You’ve never taken how any of us feel about this into consideration.” Crew says. 

“That’s not true,” I say, “You guys fucking suck.”

I get up and head to my next class before the bell even rings. I ignore everyone for the rest of the night. I am just a boat whose sail broke off and is now lost inside of the storm. 

Day 14 of no sleep:

I stay home again. I am too broken to go to school and I haven’t for the last two days. I get more texts and more calls but don’t answer them. Everything hurts. My eyes feel like they are falling out. I don’t have enough energy to get up a lot. I think I will sleep tonight, finally. 

It is almost dark out. I take out my emergency kit from my dresser, crawling on the ground. I swallow all of the pills. I’m too tired to count how many. I just need to stay awake longer. The shaking is getting worse. I can’t stop it. I do not have enough strength to move but I reach for my phone. All of the pills are gone and I need more. My body hurts. 

I text Lu and say, “I didn’t know it could hurt this much. I am sorry.” 

I feel complete now. My hand drops the phone. I shake even more. I lay on the floor. I shake. I am having a seizure.

Then it stops. Everything stops. I am numb. I cannot move. I am just a sailboat that is sinking.

The door opens and a figure rushes in. They lean down by me and start shaking me and yelling. I open my eyes for the last time and see Lu. 

“Please, Sage. Just stay awake. Don’t go. I love you.” 

His tears fall on me, they feel warm. I am reminded of the warmth I felt whenever Lu would touch me. I miss it. I want to go back. I regret it all now. I don’t want to go. I want to stay. I want to sleep. I’ll sleep for Lu. Whatever it takes to be by him. I want to love him, not Dev. Lu came to save me, not Dev. I realize that Dev is not my life jacket. Even though I had loved him, he is not here. Lu is the life jacket that I was unable to see because of the storm which was Dev and my never ending cycle of not sleeping. It is too late to reach for the life jacket because I have reached my final destination. I have sunk to the bottom of the ocean and am drowning. It is too late to save me. I will sleep and will never wake up. It is the result of being nothing more than a boat stuck in the ocean and the storm that I could never escape from.