Not So Cool Funeral

This story contains strong language.

Not So Cool Funeral

The auditorium is p acked to capacity, tonight is a very special night; the local high school is putting on its annual play. This year's is reported to be a comedy. Beaming relatives aim phones at the stage, eager to record their children. They're aware this will cause much embarrassment later on!

Scene One (The curtain rises on a stage.

A bedroom. Two girls lounge on a rumpled bed. Clothes are scattered on the floor.)

Doreen: Got any plans for Saturday?

Jordan: Not really. Hang out at Steve's. His parents are out, you know what that means? (Giggling, Jordan and Doreen smile in anticipation.) Ask Mel.

Doreen: Can't remember, she's grounded. She can't stand her Mom, called her a bitch. Mel's always in trouble. She was telling me the other day she wants to get back at her. Wouldn't go into details.

Jordan: Maybe we should help. Like a student prank. Let's think. We must be creative.

(Just then, Doreen's phone rings.) Doreen: Hi Mel. Jordan and I were just thinking up ways to help you. What? That's brilliant! You two nearly look alike, twins practically. It could work. (Hanging up, she turns to Jordan with a mischivious grin.) You and Mel have work to do.

Scene Two

(The lights come up. The curtain rises again to reveal a living room. Doreen stands alone.)

The tragic news comes on a bleak evening in January. Mom and I are sitting on this very couch, engrossed in an old re-run of my favorite detective show, when I get the call. (The audience hears a telephone ring.) Noting Jordan's shaky voice right away, I asked what was the matter. As she answered, I refused to believe it. Not Melody! A car accident? Dead? Our friend's garbled words aren’t registering, nothing is making any sense.

Switching on the TV, the story appears. There'd been a collision at our creek; two cars had crashed into the still water, leaving one badly mangled, the police were still searching for a body. Peering through the crowd of onlookers, I can't spot my brown-haired, black-eyed friend.

The next day is spent answering calls from friends and passing our condolences to Melody's family. Mom, just as shocked as me, expresses her sympathy by dropping off flowers. Visiting them is out of the question. For now, at least. (The curtain drops, the audience applauds.)

Scene Three

(A woman stands alone, staring out at the audience.)

Ms. Warren: I'm Mel's Mom. I miss her so much, there's a hole inside me that won't be filled again. I'm just heartbroken because the last words I ever said to her were something like, "You deserve to be punished." Which was true. She should never have gone to that concert without permission. What's worse, she lied about where she'd been. Now, I'll never be able to say sorry to my daughter! I'll always remember her smile in more happy times. The time we went to the zoo and she photographed all the animals. She'd always wanted a pet, but because I'm alergic to fur, she couldn't have one. We tried goldfish, but they died within weeks.

I've not touched her room, leaving it exactly as she'd left it that morning. Bed unmade, clothes everywhere, makeup on the sink. You know teenagers, they never clean up after themselves. Melody's shrine. That's how I want to remember her.

(Blinking back tears, she exits. The curtain drops, the audience applauds.)

Scene Four

(The curtain rises again. The funeral is about to start; onstage, chairs are set up, and soft organ music is playing. A man stands facing the occupied chairs, about to address the mourners.)

Speaker: My friends, we're gathered here today to honor the life of Melody Warren. Her passing was very tragic. But rather than being sad, let us share our memories of the good life she had. Who wants to go first?

(Doreen rises.) Doreen: I will. Melody was my best friend. We met in elementary school, and clicked immediately. Her smile lit up a room. Her loud laugh could be heard down the halls. Once, a teacher thought someone was in trouble. No, just Melody, giggling hysterically at some horrible joke. (Those listening laugh quietly at this.)

(Jordan speaks, eyes moist.) Well, she and I always dressed identically, even switching teachers in math and gym. We just wanted to try each other’s classes. Our parents nearly freaked when we were found out. Then, there was Steve's birthday when she convinced everyone to go swimming in his pool, even though it was like October. We were shivering for hours afterward. Good times, though! (More laughter, louder this time.)

Voice: Ha, ha! (The audience's eyes turn towards the casket, which appears to be moving. The mourners gasp along with the audience as the coffin lid slowly rises, seemingly by itself! Up, up, and up, inch by creaky inch).

Doreen- What's going on? (Beside her, other exclamations of confusion are heard as a voice from within the coffin begins speaking.)

Melody: Hey, did you miss me? (Everyone gasps in disbelief.) That was a lovely funeral. Hi Mom, Dad! (Sitting up, Melody waves at her dumbstruck parents! Hair obscuring her face, she appears to be none the worse for wear. Stepping out of the coffin, she beams at her giggling friends and very perplexed family).

Scene Four

Melody's dad: How could they? That was the most absurd, not to mention stupidest trick those kids could have pulled. What the hell were they all thinking? They wasted police time and money, and played with our emotions. Did they consider our feelings? No, they damn well didn't. As for Mel, she didn't believe she was in any real danger. It could have literally been fatal! Imagine if that had happened with someone in the vehicle. I'm still recovering from the shock. I'm just thankful she's alive! (Arms crossed, he and the other stony-faced parents gaze out at the silent, attentive audience. Scowling, they turn back to the still giggling teens).

Scene Five

Police Officer: I’m the detective who was on the scene that day. I saw two cars partially submerged in the waist-deep water. Upon reaching them, officers were able to pull the person out. Funny thing, there wasn’t a second body in sight. Divers searched the water and surrounding bank, but nothing appeared. Questioning Steve, we learned the second car belonged to his friend, Melody. How did they accomplish that? Perhaps we may never know.

Scene Six

Melody: Well, I'm being punished again. We all are, imagine that! I still say it was the best prank ever in our high school's history. Me and Jordan really pulled it off, looking alike and all. We'll have to dream up something cool for next time. It's our senior year, you know. (Smiling smugly, she exits the stage. The curtain falls. The audience applauds as the cast bows).

The End