After a Deletion

This is excruciating. I can literally be doing anything else, but instead I’m stuck here. Waiting. Forever waiting, it seems like. 

The sound of clacking keys makes my heart soar but it’s the pauses in between that I dread. Especially when those pauses drag on for way too long. 

Make a decision already! Put your idea, however heinous, down on that ancient laptop so I can move on with my life. It figures that I get stuck with the fresh-faced amateur that's still trying to figure out how to write.

Tiffany debated whether to accept the vacation, which would likely ruin her chances of receiving the promotion she’s spent years going after, or take on the new case her boss is dangling in front of her. If she accepts the case, though, it may be the final nail to the proverbial coffin that is her relationship with Henry. 

This again. The Overlord of My Existence, or Toomye as I call them, has gone back and forth over this for months now. Do I continue to be a workaholic or do I embrace life as it should be lived? I know which I’d choose, what I’ve screamed at Toomye repeatedly. Give me freedom - let me see something outside of these drab walls!

-yrneH htiw pihsnoitaler reh si taht niffoc laibrevorp eht ot lian lanif eht eb yam ti ,hgouht ,esac eht stpecca ehs fI-

My head spins as Toomye hits the back button. Whenever they decide they don’t like what they’ve written, they’ll delete it without thinking about my poor physique. The words that previously existed whirl me around until they’re gone, lingering like a quickly fading bruise until they’re completely forgotten. 

Where are we? After a deletion, it takes a second to gather my wits again. Oh! Debating about vacation or work. Choose vacation! Please! If I haven’t gotten promoted in all these years, what are the odds of me getting promoted now? Let me live!

Her mind is set. She deserves this vacation, promotion be damned. Tiffany wasted no time in booking the tickets for her and Henry. He’d be over the moon, maybe he’d finally propose!

Wait. Are they - is Toomye actually letting me go on vacation? My body moves on its own accord, scrolling through the airline website and booking tickets. I can’t believe it. There, in my email inbox, is a confirmation number for a flight to Cancun. I’m going to Cancun! 

I call Henry and as predicted, he’s excited. I tell him the flight is tomorrow - tomorrow! That’s so soon! - and to start packing immediately. 

There’s a time jump as Toomye hates dealing with small details such as what I decided to put in my suitcase, and suddenly I’m sitting on a plane with Henry next to me. He’s going over brochures of what we can do in Cancun but I’m not listening. I’m too excited, staring out the window as the plane takes off and takes me away from the monotony of my life. 

This is new, unchartered territory for me. I’ve been to exactly three places in the world Toomye’s created for me: home, work, and the little coffee shop on the corner. Everything else has either been glossed over or mentioned in a small backstory and I have mere seconds before a vague memory is implanted in my mind as though it’s always been there. Maybe Toomye finally realized that I deserve a better life than what they’ve given me so far. 

Tiffany gasped as she looked out the window, seeing nothing but the blue of the ocean below. She hasn’t been to the beach since she was a little girl. Cancun will be vastly different from the baby waves of the small cove she once knew.

To be fair, the sight of never ending water is gasp worthy. I can't wait to land and breathe in the warm, beachy air and walk along the water. 

Tiffany throws open the curtains in their hotel room and marvels at the white sand, crashing waves and bright sun. Unpacking can wait for later, she decides, and hurriedly changes into her swimsuit.

I'm out on the beach before I know it, applying sunscreen generously on my arms. Other beach goers mill about, gulls circle over head, and I love every second of it. 

It's as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can breathe here. I don't have the stress of work, meeting clients, winning cases to worry about. I feel… free.

Tiffany sits on her borrowed towel, enjoying the feeling of sand between her toes. It may have only been a few minutes, but she knows she's made the right choice. Maybe she'll look for a new job when she gets back home. Maybe she won't even go home. Maybe she'll look for a hut on the beach and sell coconuts.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Nothing needs to be decided now. All I need to do is relax and meditate my stress away. 

“Isn't this the life?” Henry jogs up to my towel and eases himself down to sit. “Why haven't we done this sooner?”

Guilt gnaws at Tiffany as she contemplates her answer. She knows it was her loyalty to a company that could care less about her that prevented the two of them from enjoying their lives. Well, no more.

I grasp Henry's hand in mine, giving him a smile. “I'm sorry it's taken us this long. I promise I won't let work get between us again.”

Henry smiles and leans forward for a kiss. I close my eyes in anticipation, all my senses dialing up a notch when we - 

-erom on ,lleW -

Wait -

-sevil rieht gniyojne morf meht fo owt eht detneverp taht reh tuoba ssel erac dluoc taht ynapmoc a ot ytlayol reh saw ti swonk ehS-

No, no wait, please -

-rewsna reh setalpmetnocehssaynaffiTtawangstliuG-

I'm back in the hotel, mind whirling. I try to catch my breath when I'm whisked back to the airplane. Henry glances at me in concern but then he's gone. I'm staring down at the airline website and watch helplessly as the booking information disappears - 

Tiffany debated whether to accept the vacation, which would likely ruin her chances of receiving the promotion she’s spent years going after, or take on the new case her boss is dangling in front of her. If she accepts the case, though, it may be the final nail to the proverbial coffin that is her relationship with Henry. 

With a heavy heart, she closes her laptop and pushes it away, the sight of it making her heart feel heavy. She's too close to this promotion. Once she gets it, she'll be able to afford all the vacations she wants. Henry would just have to understand. 

One day, she assures herself. It'll all be worth it one day. 

I look at myself in the mirror and tug on my blazer. I think about taking it off, my skin feeling too warm to wear such a garment. When I raise my arms to shrug it off, I catch a whiff of sunscreen. How strange. 

Sighing, I grab my purse and head off to work and try to ignore the feeling of loss as I go.