It Was For Me

I messed up. I messed up badly.

I sat across the table from my ex-wife and watched as she evaluated the cup of coffee that the waiter just placed on the table. Meeting at her local food joint seemed like a better option than her driving two hours to see a man that requested for them to meet. Plus, Elena never liked to waste her time, so I ensured that every moment that she spent with me would not go to waste.

After two years, she looked much younger than when I last saw her. Her forty-ninth birthday  was coming up in July and she didn’t look a day older than thirty. She wore light purple and red eyeshadow and a dark purple lipstick that almost looked black. The only grays in her hair were the random ones that popped out during moments of high stress. The dress she wore was, ironically, one of the dresses that I loved to see her wear – though I never told her: a form fitting, long sleeved red dress with a low V neckline, a slit down the left side and see-through sleeves. Adorning her neck was a fat ruby necklace and amber earrings, probably given to her by her new boyfriend.

Leave it to me to show up in a baggy T with jeans and tennis shoes. This meetup wasn’t anything “special”, I suppose, though Elena always showed up at her best and she did it so flawlessly that I always felt…

I readjusted myself in the chair and gave the best smile that I could. “You, uh, look good.”

Elena’s gorgeous blue eyes, now covered in pretty red contacts, stared right into my eyes. The combination of colors made her eyes a dazzling purple, adding more dimension to her gorgeous features and her outfit.

Damn, I messed up.

“Thank you, Xavier.” Gently, ever so elegantly, Elena grabbed a small cup of coffee creamer and poured it into her coffee. Her nails were red, too.

“How have you been? You look well.”

She took a sip after slowly applying some sugar. Then, those beautiful eyes, once so soft and loving, pierced my spirit more than the Great Lord could. “You didn’t drive all the way from Dallas just to ask me how I’m doing. What happened?”

My teeth rubbed against my bottom lip. I figured that we could have a good chat while lunch arrived. Apparently not. “In truth, it’s been a while and I wanted to see you. I…had a dream about you a few nights ago.”

“Mhmm?” She sipped, completely eyeing me the entire time.

There were many nights where I dreamed about her, and those dreams will never pass my lips. This one, however, I needed to share. “You and I were sitting at a table just like this one and we were talking about everything that ever bothered us. When I woke up, I was crying, and I knew that I needed to talk with you.”

She lowered her cup. “Funny. Didn’t your wife help you with that?”

I exhaled then leaned back. I knitted my fingers together and placed them on my lap. “Elena, she’s the one that encouraged our meeting.”

“Mhmm.” She sipped again.

There was a heavy energy in the air when the waiter returned to take our orders. I hadn’t looked at the menu once, but I ordered my usual. Elena did the same. When the waiter left, Elena leaned back on her chair as well and kept her attention away from me. The lost look on her face told me exactly what she was doing.

“Let me be frank, I didn’t come here to become friends with you. I asked to have this exact conversation with you a few months ago and you refused.”

“I wasn’t ready to talk back then.”

She huffed at me.

Normally, I’d call her childish. In truth, I deserved her reactions. I hadn’t been the greatest man to her. I treated her very poorly after our breakup and I was too far into my own head to fully express how sorry I was. Elena was always a talker. She loved working through her issues through words. Even though I didn’t solve my issues that way, and she knew that when we got together, she still tried to work with me so that we could both communicate.

Unfortunately, my mind was occupied elsewhere.

My wife, Anna, and I recently got into polyamory. We saw our friends open up their monogamous relationships and the Reddit stories online showed us that relationships like that could work. Anna was my first everything: first kiss, first marriage, first love making, everything. So when she expressed that she felt my fire dying inside and that she couldn’t revive it, I was stunned to hear her confession, but I accepted the reality that I didn’t feel the same passion that I had before, though that didn’t mean that I loved her any less.

One day, Anna and I attended my company BBQ, an event that I usually didn’t attend, but that year, I felt compelled to go. Anna, also a prone talker, nearly became friends with everyone. She brought over one woman who was a Tech Writer just like her, sweet Elena. My heart instantly skipped a beat and the fascination on my face was something Anna noticed immediately. 

That night, Anna asked me if I was interested in Elena. I confessed that I was. It didn’t take long for Anna and Elena to have a chat about a possible relationship. Anna was always a straight woman, so mainly, Elena and I would be sharing each other while Anna enjoyed our relationship from the side. At first, everything fit very well. We spent months in bliss. Elena and I even decided to take our relationship to the next level. We got married in the Winter of 2018. Instead of moving into our home, Elena decided to have her own home, to which Anna and I disapproved of…thankfully, she kept her place.

Six months after getting married, Elena and I had our first fight. It

was a major one. Elena had issues opening up to romantic partners. She told me that when we first started dating. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand how or why she wouldn’t open up to me. I wasn't like those guys from her past. I wouldn’t hurt her the same way they did. So, I didn’t understand why she didn’t see me as different from those other partners. Ultimately, I ended up telling her how wrong she was to feel this way and Anna intervened. She waved her finger at me, telling me to behave, and so I apologized to Elena. That was one of the many fights we had about her inability to open up

Our fights became more frequent, ranging from her opening up to her being upset that I wasn’t spending much time with her. I do have to admit that I was not very good at communicating. I people pleased. The more time I spent with Elena, the more that Anna became upset and needy. I made a promise to one woman and ended up disappointing the other. I told one woman one thing while acting like a completely different person to the other. Elena called me out on a lot of behaviors of mine, to which I told her that I understand my actions and promised to never do it again. I broke that promise many times.

In the end, Elena called off the relationship. I lost it. I ended up yelling at her, saying things like, “You don’t even care how I feel, do you?” and “You’re just going to end it? Just like that?” A heart that was once so beautiful and open turned colder than stone. I told Anna about everything and she consoled me. Her and Elena spoke many times throughout that process, until they started getting into arguments as well. Their arguments consisted of one not understanding the other. Elena wanted me and Anna to take responsibility for our actions, or lack thereof, because Anna’s refusal in acknowledging my changes in personality and blatant lying enabled me to continue to emotionally break everyone. Anna wanted Elena to forgive me for not knowing better and to not be so cold towards “a man that is trying his best.”

After losing her patience, and a part of her soul, Elena left, unfriended, blocked, and got rid of us entirely. She moved 2 hours away from Dallas and I hadn’t heard from her for several years.

The only way I was able to contact her was through a friend of a friend at the company. Thankfully, I was able to contact her before she submitted her two week resignation. After a few weeks, Elena agreed to meet at her local restaurant.

It took all this time to present myself to her and even as I sat in front of her, witnessing the burning fury in her eyes, I still wasn’t ready. There was no better time than the present and holding myself back from her anymore seemed to be futile.

“I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry, Elena.”

“You’ve apologized many times and those times meant very little. Why does your apology matter so much now?”

It didn’t. My apology honestly meant nothing…to her. “I’ve grown from my experiences and I realize that I was too immature, upset, and lost in my own head to truly be what the man you needed.” Elena continued to stare at me. Her cheeks were heated. “I’m sorry that the promises I made to you were not up to your expectations. I dreamed about you and reached out to you. So…there.” If anything else happened, I knew that I did my best. If she didn’t accept my apology then at the very least, I could return home with some solace.

Elena’s heated face started to settle. Her shoulders jutted as a humorless laugh passed her lips. She shook her head and rubbed her temples with her thumb and pinky fingers. “You don’t get it…” When she brought her head up, she smirked with watery eyes. “Do you even know what you’re apologizing for?”

"Why else? “For not being the man you needed to be?”

Now, she laughed. “No.” She kept her voice low, but loud enough for me to hear. “Your broken promises and personality changes were not what made me angry. They upset me, but my hatred of you comes from the sheer fact that you and Anna refuse to grow up and actually accept the truths of your own individualities. You both claimed to be adults that knew how to have a poly relationship, that you knew how to cultivate healthy relationships and neither of you have expressed this or proven this. Both of you are immature children parading yourselves as adults. ‘Adulting’ does not make you an adult.”

Elena rose, threw her hand into her purse, and threw a $20 bill on the table. “Thank you for the confirmation that I needed to move on. I hope you and Anna find peace.”

The waitress arrived with our food ten minutes later. There was hardly anyone around us, yet I felt so suffocated. I thanked the waitress for the food then began eating.

“Did your friend leave?”

“Yeah,” I replied, “she did.” Elena’s meal, steak with mashed potatoes with a side of steamed broccoli, sat in sadness. As I looked at her plate, it presented itself in front of me, sad and abandoned, just like me, even though the knowledge that all is well coursed through me. There was nothing else I could do, nothing else I could apologize for. Anna and I needed to grow as a couple, yes, and that was that. I knew that Elena's eyes would never hold love for me again, not the love that I so desired before. Maybe, in the midst of my mistakes, both her and I could make amends for our own misdeeds.