A Season of Chances

The rain tippity tapped on the window just before it slowly streaked down the glass, blurring the view through my kitchen window. The humid summer air flowing in through the windows filled the house with scents of pollen from the blooming flowers and trees. Despite the breeze, it was hard to breathe, the oxygen in the room feeling like honey traveling into my nose and through my lungs. A knot formed in my throat and my stomach churned. I stood there staring at my reflection in front of me, my hands gripping the edge of the sink, replaying the conversation over and over in my head. My subconscious trying to complete the loop, finish the riddle, make the puzzle make sense. My eyes began to lose focus and liquid warmth ran down my cheek. 

We had been just short of perfect together. They say long distance relationships are hard, but life is hard and I’ve never been one to turn down a challenge. We had made it a year. Flashes of memories of the late night FaceTime conversations, the surprise gifts in the mail, the long paragraphs confessing our love for another all tumbled through my mind, fighting for the spotlight. The trips to spend the weekend together once a month made the waiting worth it. Our first night together once the driving was complete and the world was silent was always the highlight of my trip. We’d melt into each other’s arms, blurring the end of me and the beginning of her, the warmth of our skin relaxing my tired muscles, her mere presence calming my nervous system. We both were back in our happy place and we’d drift to sleep. 

My phone rang earlier that day and her gorgeous face popped up on the caller ID. My heart always did that little skip as excitement sprinted through my body realizing the love of my life was calling to check in after the long day. I looked forward to our evening conversations; debriefing our day, making each other laugh, and always making plans for the future. Daydreaming with her aloud gave me the reassurance I needed to keep showing up as my best self each day.

The phone call didn’t go as usual, instead of her warm “hey baby”, her voice was low and lackluster. “Hey.”

“Hey babe. What’s wrong?”, I responded thinking maybe something happened at work.

“There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

Immediately, my chest tightened, my heart rate cranked up to what felt like a thousand beats a minute, and I braced myself for bad news. “Sure babe. What’s up?”

“I’ve decided that we need to break up.”

“Oh. Um. Okay. Why?” I slowly sat as I spoke, my voice shaky.

“I’m just not happy anymore.” Her sentences were direct and cut me with every syllable.

“What do you mean? I don’t understand. You were just telling me how happy you were two days ago. What changed?” I could feel myself beginning to panic, searching for the words to fix this.

“Do you remember when I said when I had pictured my future with the people before you, it scared me, but with you it didn’t?” 

“Yes.” I replied, losing my ability to form sentences, my throat tightening the longer the conversation went on.

“Well. It scares me now. I realized this morning that I’m no longer happy and I don’t think it’s what’s best for me anymore.”

I searched every corner of my mind trying to find the words to respond. To try to talk her out of it. To try and get her to confess to this being some sort of sick joke. My whole body was shivering as I sat there on the floor, fighting the urge to sob and beg her not to do this. I sat there in silence for what felt like forever before I finally responded.

“I don’t think this is the right choice. Obviously, I can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to but I feel like you’re scared of our future now because it’s becoming more real. You’ve never had a life like this with someone, and honestly I think you’ll look back some time from now and regret this. But I love you and I guess if this is what you want, then I have no choice but to respect it.” 

“I’m sorry Dre.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

“I have to go.”

“Okay.”

“Bye Dre.”

“Bye Liv.”

And with that, she was gone. My heart shattered and I just sat there on the floor, staring blankly at the wall. I didn’t know what to do. Every plan I had for the future included her. It all came rushing in… no more phone calls, no more dates, no more kisses and holding each other through the night, no more facetime calls. I wouldn’t feel the joy of hearing her voice on the other line or the calming sensation that flowed over me when she rubbed the back of my neck while I drove. I could feel myself begin to spiral so I pried myself up and forced myself to go on with my day.

Water hit my foot, snapping me out of my trance. Forcing the faucet closed and yanking the plug from the bottom of the sink, I watched the water spin down the drain like my relationship. The time on the microwave read 11:27pm. Grabbing the towel hanging on the stove, I dried my hands and my face, not even realizing that I had been crying. I knew I needed to go to bed but I also knew the night would not be kind to me this time. I debated staying up for the night, maybe watching funny movies into the wee hours of the morning before I needed to get ready for work at 5:00am.

Pulling the refrigerator door open, I grabbed a bottle of wine from the drawer. So lost in my thoughts, watching the wine pour into my glass was almost hypnotizing. I sat the bottle down gently on the counter, picked up my glass, and turned around to lean back. I crossed my arms over my chest, took a sip of my wine, and let my eyes drift around the room. They stopped on a picture on the front of the refrigerator – it was us. 

Slowly, I walked over and plucked the picture from behind the magnet and just stared at the photo. I replayed that day in my head. It was our first date. I was nervous as hell picking her up that night. When she answered the door, she took my breath away. I handed her a single rose and backed up a step to take her in. I was trying not to smile too hard and reveal how big of a dork I actually was, but she made me giddy. 

“You look beautiful.” I whispered.

“Thank you”, she responded, “you clean up nice too.”

Reaching out, I took her hand and walked her to the passenger side of my SUV. Opening the door and helping her step up into her seat. I couldn’t believe I had managed to get a date with the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on. I could feel my face beaming. 

The night went perfectly. Dinner, wine, and great conversation. Being around her felt like I was on another planet, and as cliche as it sounds, I knew from then that this was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I placed the picture on the island centered in my kitchen along with my glass of wine. Walking out of the kitchen, I turned off the lights, and headed upstairs to my room to begin my battle with sleep and figure out how to move forward with my life without the very thing that kept me going.

–

Buzzing conversation filled the evening sky as my friends and I sat around on the rooftop of my building, sharing old stories from our high school days. The crisp autumn air accompanied by the warmth of the fire pit in the center of our little circle. Isaiah and Erica were having friendly banter as they always do and Erica shoved Isiah out of his chair with her foot. In the midst of our billowing laughter, my phone rang.

It was a number I didn’t recognize so I excused myself and stepped near the little rooftop garden for a quieter area.

“Hello?”

“Hi Dre.”

It was Olivia. I hadn’t heard her from her in six months and still her voice made my heart skip a beat.

“Olivia? Hi. Um. I’m surprised you called.”

“Yeah. I know. It’s been a while. How are you?”

“I’m good. How are you?”

“I’m good.” She sounded like she wanted to say more.

“That’s good, Liv. So… why the random phone call? Is your mom okay?”

“Oh yeah, no. She’s good, healthy. I just wanted to call because I thought maybe I’d see if you’d be interested in getting coffee or lunch?”

“Oh. Um. I-uh...” I trailed off.

“If you’re not comfortable with that Dre, it’s totally fine. I just thought we could talk.”

“Funny. The last time we talked, I got my heart broken,” I tried to let out a slight chuckle to soften the blow of the comment.

“Yeah, I know. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I wanted to apologize for the way I ended things. I know I hurt you. I was hoping we could meet up to have the conversation in person though.”

“Olivia. First, I appreciate your apology, I forgave you a long time ago. But I don’t think meeting up is the best idea. I’m seeing someone and I think it’s going well. I don’t want to mess things up with her, ya know?” I felt like I was going to throw up.

“Oh. I understand. Hey, I’m happy for you. Genuinely. I hope it works out.” I could hear the disappointment behind the fake happy voice.

“Thanks Liv. I really appreciate it. I hope you find someone that makes you happy too, whenever you’re ready.”

“Thanks Dre.”

“Absolutely. But I should probably go. Take care of yourself Liv.”

“Yeah, you too. Bye Dre.”

And with that, once more, she was gone. I stood there for a moment, looking over the city. She and I talked about spending nights on the rooftop together once I had finally moved into a studio in Manhattan, a dream I had for years. I couldn’t help but wonder if I made the right choice. I turned and looked over at my friends watching how they interacted with Genesis, the woman I had recently started dating and introduced to the group. She caught my eye and smiled, then waved me over to rejoin the group. I put my phone back into my jacket pocket and jogged back over to my friends. 

We finished the night off with another bottle of wine, more stupid stories from high school until I was sufficiently embarrassed in front of Genesis, and then turned in. I walked Genesis to her Lyft, kissed her goodnight, and told her to text me when she got home safe. Making my way back into my studio, the room was filled with the light from the city, one of my favorite things. I stood there, taking it all in. I had finally made it to where I always wanted to be, but without Olivia.

I took out my phone and went back to the call log. I stared at the number Olivia called me from and wondered if I should save it in my phone, just in case. Sitting down on my couch and running my fingers through my hair, I tapped the number and the outgoing call began. Putting the phone to my ear, I waited for the ringing to be interrupted by her voice. I had no idea what I would say if she answered but curiosity took the lead.