“It’s Just Me.” #ReedsyUnknown

Trigger Warning: This short story contains mental health issues, and moments of madness. Some demonic content lies ahead, as well.

It’s Just Me.

There was no water. I wanted to kill myself, or drop dead from thirst.

I had to take my meds with water. Lots of it. Twenty-three different pills a day. From Trazadone to Oxicodone to Tylenol, and what have you. Whatever I could find in a dead drifter’s backpack. I haven’t seen a drifter in days, though.

So, what to do? Fight for it? Get it. Get ‘er done? Water. Life. What they call the nectar of the gods. This would begin our journey. Our journey for water. For life. A life free of ailments like dehydration. I lost so many people because of our lack of water that I would drink my own tears to keep moisture in my mouth every time I cried. Those lost. Those beautiful people lost. No water equals no life.

One night, after fighting sleep and praying, God came to me with open arms. I got six hours of sleep that perfect night. Something unheard of with people who have my rare syndrome. I, after recharging, decided that I would find water. I would go at it again. Right away. The sun had not yet risen, but I did not care.

“Water. Water today, please. God Almighty. If I continue to dig this well, might I please have some water? It’s just me now. Please, some water?”

We dug crazy holes causing great water discoveries back in the day. We wanted to show our God that we were willing to do whatever it would take to survive. Gallons and gallons of clean water from our Mother Earth was delivered to us via rain. Much needed rain. We thanked the Lord with all of our hearts. Water. Life. Renewal. Soon, we would have food. I wish I could gut a boar and swallow its flesh. Smoked perfectly. A mouthwatering boar would be nice! Then I heard a squeal. A boar! 

“Oh! Dear Lord! You have answered my prayers!” 

The boar was caught in the snare, and his heart soon stopped beating. I didn’t have to kill it. What strength this meal will give me. I shall have strength. Sustainable energy. I was going to be fine. I was going to live. As I shaved off the boar’s skin to make a hat to shield me from the sun- plus shoulder pads, and knee pads- I cried out a prayer of gratitude to my Lord.

“This kill did not go to waste. Now, onward. The goal is set, and we have to reach it.”

Sometimes I say, “We.” I like the idea of having my son with me. My family. My loved ones. My son was beautiful. You would’ve liked him. He was sweet, and he loved my record collection very much. Sadly, it was now just me. I wanted him here. I wanted him here right now. I wish I could’ve protected him, but I now have to move on. I am alive, and he is dead and buried. Gone forever. I have many days ahead of me- I hope. 

We named him Isaiah, my son. Once we saw his beautiful, sparkling, blue eyes, we knew we had to name him with a beautiful, Biblical name.

I’d scream out, “Izzy!!!” When we had ice, and snow storms, I’d scream out, “Izzy! My baby!” And he’d come running right to me without a care in the world. He would even be barefoot. He did not care. He would throw snowballs, and build snowmen with his neighbor every winter.

We think Isaiah sleep walks, and that scares me. He could have got lost in the cold. Sorry. I got lost in my own thought. He’s gone now. They’re all gone. It’s me now. Just me. Lonely me.

Last night, I heard a car honk. I lit fire! I yelled! I packed my bag hoping for rescue from the cold. But when I got to the road- there was no one there to help me, so I cried again. Maybe it was just some strange bird. A bird I’d like to eat. I wandered back slowly. I was deprived of hope, and was in full despair. Maybe I was hallucinating.

Pink clouds. I kept seeing pink clouds with a silver-blue lining. In my bedroom, in the bath- pink clouds were everywhere. I soon learned to ignore them. Maybe I had lost it. I cried again as I entered my lonely cabin. It was just me now. I was alone. No one left. They just died on me. They did not fight!

As I read Revelations, I feared I was losing my faith. I did pray. I prayed many beautiful prayers. It was the only thing that lifted my spirits. I continued to pray. Prayers like:

“Dear Lord. Almighty God. Save me from my dark thoughts. Thoughts that could end me up in hell. And forgive me for sleeping with Jodie that one night. She was a church friend, so I still feel bad about that.”

I spoke to my Heavenly Father aloud every day. It seemed to be just Him and I. That made me cry,  too. With no one to look at- no one to touch- I began to become unglued.

Anger. Violent outbursts. Panic attacks! Screaming at the Almighty just begging to be heard. 

“Save me!” I cried! “Take away my breath, my life, and let me be with you so I don’t feel so alone!” And He did not listen to me that day. No, He did not listen.

I carefully traveled to a cliff the next day. A beautiful cliff. The place I wanted to die.

“Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, just take me!” I cried as I approached the edge.

Falling to my death was a thought that always haunted my dreams. It tormented my soul in ways I can’t explain, but there was something about that cliff side. Something beautiful about it. This was the place. The place in my dreams where I once saw two beautiful women pet a wild swan right where I currently stood. They then hugged for the longest time, and moved away from the cliff.

I wanted to jump off of it as if demons were driving me to my death. Forcing me to jump. Then they showed up behind me in droves under the cover of night.

“Run from us!” They taunted, and I ran as fast as I could into a dead end. I cried again. I did not want demons to be around me, so I took a deep breath, and I ran the long way home praying aloud for the demons to flee in Jesus’s name. They didn’t completely stay away. They watched me the whole way home. They multiplied. There were creatures of purple and green with many limbs like a centipede’s. They had horns, and antlers, and over-sized, well, you know.

I ran, and I ran without looking back for fear God would turn me into a pillar of salt.

I had run from evil. The demons. The dark. As I approached my residence, a rainbow appeared even though it had not been raining. Thank you, God- I said to myself. A joyful moment at the end of a long, hard day. I needed that. I wish you could’ve seen it, too, but, alas, it’s just me.