Hollywood Tail

I only worked with her the one time, but we was instant friends from the start, and she’ll tell you the same. 

During the days when she couldn’t face the cam’ras, when her insecur’ties et up her confidence and her fears cramped her gut so much as she found she couldn’t function prop’ly, we’d crawl under the set and she’d tell me about her life and her days before becomin’ famous. I ain’t never worked with anyone more famous than her.

Sometimes Ralph and young Tommy come with us, they share a love of animals; dogs and horses mainly. Tommy’s been told he’s gonna be starrin’ as Lassie’s friend on TV after this; he sez he can’t wait. Lassie is real famous. Ralph trains animals for Hollywood and is a real good friend o’ mine, in fact, more like a big brother. His family took me in when my ma and pa was killed in a huntin’ incident. I was very young at the time and don’t remember nothin’ ‘bout my pa other than a large, sorta threat’nin’ presence. But I do viv’dly recall my ma’s smell, her slightly pointed face, her gentle eyes and her busy hands. She was always busy with her hands.

It seems like Blondl had a real mixed up ‘lationship with her ma, seein’ as how her ma was sick a lot o’ the time; head-sick mostly. It meant the ‘thorities shoved Blondl ‘round all kindsa kid’s homes and foster parents; lotsa which sounded real unkind. She don’t talk much ‘bout them even now, and if she does she looks real sad. I reckon this ain’t done her any good and is prob’ly the reason of her bein’ head-sick too.

Sorry, meant to say, I always think of her as Blondl. It was good’nuff for Miss Russell, so who am I to say diff’rent? She sez she got on well with Miss Russell, ‘spite the fact that she’d earned $200,000 for their last film together, while Blondl only made $500 a week - even with her bein’ the big box-office draw! Seems this is what she’s hadta put up with all her life; her vuln’ability is preyed ‘pon by far too many to mention. Now she and Mr Preminger has been forced into doin’ this Western movie, with neither of ‘em havin’ a mind to. But contracts is what makes this place tick, and you don’t have much say on the matter.

Still, Tommy’s a good type and Blondl likes ‘im just fine. Can’t say the same for Mr Mitchum, he’s a dangerous kinda guy, ‘specially when he’s bin drinkin’. Nob’dy here calls him Bob, ‘cept Mr Preminger and even then I don’t think Mr Mitchum likes it a good deal.

She’s bin tellin’ me ‘bout her guitar practice, saying as how she’s bin tryin’ real hard but’s findin’ it tough goin’. It’s real important ‘cus she’ll be playin’ on screen, so everyone’ll be watchin’. She’s determined, though, gotta say that ‘bout her. Whenever she ain’t on a down, she’s out there fightin’ for it, ‘cus it’s allus bin the same for her. Though it don’t take much to get her down, and she’s got lotsa pills that I don’t even wanna know ‘bout - not sure as they do her any good, anyways.

She and I is pretty close, I reckon. The other day I was proper scared when one of the fake trees collapsed near me on the set, and I hid in our special space. She came and gave me some comfort, whispering soothing words ‘til I was kinda fine and my heart had stopped it’s hammerin’. I missed her terrible when she twisted her ankle on that raft and was off for days; the hiding place weren’t the same without her bein’ there. The other guys on set are OK and are always sharing food with me (‘ceptin’ Mr Mitchum), but they ain’t Blondl. She’s real special in my summation.

She sez when they was on their way here the studio convoy got stuck in traffic ‘cus of some gas’line truck havin’ gone an’ ‘xploded. Sounded real scary, but her and her boyfriend, Joe, went off and found the driver who’d ran off into the forest when he was all on fire! They got him to hospital, real quick like but he was burned up real bad. I wouldn’t mind bettin’ it was her idea to help, not Joe’s.

Yeah, Joe. Not sure I care for him much - she seems to pick all the wrong guys. He might be a great ‘ball player, but I ain’t thinkin’ he’ll make good ‘usband material. I see ‘im sometimes, lurkin’ ‘bout the set lookin’ kinda suspicious, like some kinda stalker.

He threw her a party for her 27th birthday a coupla weeks back, but ‘parently she got real drunk and they had to leave early. Don’t think Joe was impressed, by all accounts. Anyways, one of the cooks on set made her a cake what me, her and Ralph shared the other day under the set while all ev’ryone else was eatin’ in the big tent. 

June up here in Banff has been pretty warm but there’s bin a ton ‘o rain, so much it’s delayed filmin’ lotsa times and made it real unpleasant to be outside. Mr Preminger is always lookin’ prop’ly stressed. I’m guessin’ it’s a money thing. It usually is.

I’ve bin in some TV shows afore this but I ain’t ever worked on sucha mighty big movie set. It’s real diff’rent. Firstly, there’s just so many folk all ‘round here, I ain’t never seen so many people in one place. The carpenters, the ‘lectricians, the set-builders and all manner o’ other jobs I ain’t got no idea of.

It can get real dusty and stuffy under here but Blondl don’t give it no heed. She may play the glam’rus bit out there, but down here she’s still just my orn’ry and carin’ Norma Jeane. I think it helps her get her head straight for a bit. She sez she were never likin’ of her proper name and was real pleased when Mr Lyon gave her a new one. He said she was Jean Harlow all over again; I reckon she really likes that idea.

‘Course it ain’t all roses; she can be a real pain in the ass. She don’t even get here some days! I reckon Mr Preminger is real hacked off, what with her hysterics and Mr Mitchum’s drunken goings-on. I kinda feel he’s just real keen to get this movie finished and move on to sommat else. Though, to be honest, he’s bin pretty patient with her, and ev’ry now and then Mr Mitchum manages to get her onto the set somewhere near start time. I’ll have it known that she ain’t ever nothin’ but kind to me, though. And Ralph and Tommy.

Mind, Mr Preminger’s biggest headache is prob’ly Miss Lytees. Now that woman is a real thorn in his side. She’s allus fussin’ ‘round Blondl, havin’ lines changed and just gen’rlly gettin’ in the way. She’s upset young Tommy real bad, so as he’s getting afeared of doin’ stuff when she’s anywhere near him - as if it’s not ‘nuff that he has to play Mr Mitchum’s son, an all. I hear Mr Preminger is trying to get Miss Lytees tossed off the set. I for one’ll be glad to see her gone, but Blondl seems to need her around. It’s a real strange kinda ‘lationship, if you ask me.

T’ be honest, the actin’ ain’t at all bad, but the times under the set with her are def’ni’ly the best times. It’s a diff’rent world down here, keepin’ dry with the spiders and jus’ relaxin’ with our lunch and her stories. An’ that’s another thing, she ain’t no dumb blonde ‘spite what the papers say; she’s real smart. She sez that men don’t like it when she is though, and ‘cus Hollywood is run by men she ain’t got no choice but to play along. I think she finds it real hard ‘cus she loves the attention but hates it likewise - it ain’t no wonder she struggles.

I remember her first day on set. Mr Rubin had gotten her to do twelve weeks of rehearsals for her singin’ part and she looked real tired, but then any time she was up in front of the cam’ra she sparkled. She was irresistible. I’ll never understand how such a light can come from such a troubled place. P’raps that’s what bein’ a star’s all about? Who knows, I ain’t no flossifer.

I can hear Mr Preminger calling for Ralph, that means I’ll be off to my next scene any minute now. I just hope I’ll be back in her arms soon. I feel safe there, and I think she feels likewise. Though I aint sure what she’ll be like when I'm not ‘round anymore.

“OK, Bandit, let’s go,” says Ralph. 

He bends down, picks me up, and my ringed tail curls ‘round his arm as he carries me out into the pale Alberta sunshine. I look back at her sitting there with her legs drawn up, head tilted slightly to one side and her dazzling hair all askew. My Blondl. She gives me a shy wave and a flashing smile that’s just this side o’ heartbreakin'.

*

After River Of No Return, Marilyn Monroe finished seven more films. None of them were westerns.

Whilst it is likely that Bandit the raccoon appeared in subsequent films and TV shows, there appear to be no available records.