Life is a Lesson

“Please, don’t do it! I can fix it – we can work through this!”

She was in a state, failing to hold back tears that slowly poured down her face, her mouth folded downwards, openly spilling out words of sorrow and forgiveness – a little spit dripping out as well. She held her hands out, reaching, but couldn’t grasp him, his foot on her chest, keeping her fixed in that position.

All she wanted was to get to him, she didn’t understand where this had even come from, things had been getting increasingly worse the last couple of months. Now; he stood before her with scissors unfolded and one blade held tightly to his wrist, threatening with a downwards angle, his foot on her sternum, keeping her at bay.

“Tell me why I shouldn’t do it! Give me a good fucking reason!”

“I- I love you… please!” She sobbed the words.

Her mind always ran away from her in serious times of confrontation, and always found herself unable to think or speak, paralyzed by extreme fear, she became overwhelmed to a point she needed to hide in the closet, no sound, no stimulation, just dark; but he dragged her out this time, pulling her by her hair, as she kicked and cried. He was sick of her always running away and not talking, she needed to make this right – she needed to make him feel better.

She made another attempt to try and lunge forward and grab the scissors, only for him to jolt her in the chest with his foot, pinning her tighter.

“Say something to make me feel better right now! It’s your responsibility as my partner!” He shrieked at her.

“I really don’t know how to make it better, please, I don’t even know why we are fighting!”

“Are you serious? Here I am with a blade to my wrist, ready to end it, and you can’t even try to save me? How can you not think of anything? Does my life mean that little to you? It does, you probably don’t even care.”

She spat out as fast as she could “I do care! I love you so much, I just want to help you, but I don’t know how! Just tell me what I can do to make this right, please!” She was weeping, drool hanging from the corners of her mouth.

She tried pushing forward again, this time with more force to try and grab the cutting tool from him, only for him to push her back down, lifting his hand and slamming it to her temple. She felt a pop and then saw a mixture of yellows and blacks clouding her vision, accompanied by a sharp pain and dizziness.

He was lifting his hand for another blow, but she held her arms out and begged, “Please, no! I’m going to pass out, I can’t see properly. Please stop!”

He did: he remained angry, but didn’t strike her again. He lifted his foot from her chest and let her breath, and she just curled into a ball on the corner of the couch, holding her head and blinking fast.

This wasn’t the first time something like this happened. Whenever he got really upset, whether it be his family or people from work, it became her responsibility to make it all go away, and when she couldn’t get it right, suicide became the looming threat. She could always do what other suggested and call his bluff, but it would be too much for her if he actually had to do it – it would be her fault.

Whenever she spoke about another guy, or going home, she was met with unfiltered rage, like she had committed the ultimate betrayal. He wanted her to himself, and he kept her as isolated as he could. She didn’t have friends anymore, she had cut all contact with her family because of him, she was alone… with him.

It scared her.

At first it just felt like she was following her heart, letting love guide her, now she sees just how irrational she was.

She had once felt like there was good inside everyone, even the most miserable of souls, that they sometimes just needed some love for it to be unlocked, and with him, she took it as her personal mission – to make him happy and see the wonder in the world, but instead, he sapped her energy from her, taking away her will for life and adventure.

She became a dark void – a crutch of kindness for him whenever he needed it, but his darkness consumed her.

She used to be there for him because she wanted to, now it was her obligation, it was disloyalty and uncaring any other way. And what she said was true, she loved him so much, even through all the grief – people called her a fool, and maybe she was, but she would have taken all his pain if she could have, but instead, he created a new pain for her. Insecurity, doubt, the feeling of incompetence and not being enough; it bubbled inside her. Her life had become a manifestation of guilt, giving all her time to him and them, to show her dedication, but it always came up short.

They always ended up at the same bridge – him wanting to take his life and making her responsible. It was his way of keeping her at bay, keeping her unconfident. He needed someone to feel as bad as he did, or at least suffer with him. One thing he could never stand was being alone, even in emotion.

She’d one day see the cruel back and forth he played with her, but for now, she remained blinded by her kindness, an undying yearning to take the hurt away, but she still had a few lessons to learn before she could see clearly without a foggy love-veil obstructing her mind and vision.

But for now, she would hide within her mind, a blank void to cope, till one day when she wouldn’t be alone anymore – she’d have real support.