Jeff, The Menace

JEFF

Bullet to my head: do I like to play God with the people around me? My answer is: yes, shoot me. 

I had always been the unusual kind for most people. They said I was too blunt, too straightforward, too rash, and that I didn’t think things through. I’d say all that is a whole lot of hogwash. 

I do what’s needed to be done. I have no patience for people’s antics and lame excuses. I’ve learned a long time ago that people will always come up with excuses, no matter what the circumstances. So it’s always been up to me to throw them headfirst onto the railway tracks just to get rid of their fear of trains. I take pride in being that person. They’ll all thank me someday.

EMILY

You’d think that railway tracks thing was just a figure of speech, but really, it was me who he pushed onto the tracks, literally. 

Jeff and I had been friends for a few months by then and I appreciated his candor and bluntness. What I didn’t know was that he could straight-up be insane at times. I told him about my fear of train tracks ever since we’d watched a horror movie together about someone dying a very gruesome death when pushed in front of a moving train. And what do you know? He tells me he needs me to accompany him to the station, which I begrudgingly agree to do, and then shoves me onto the thankfully empty tracks.

For the first few seconds, I was paralyzed with fear and I 

wanted to pass out. But then I heard Jeff shout through the fog of despair, something about doing what she was always afraid of and still being alive. And I distinctly remember him uttering, “So what’s it gonna be, Emily?”

He was right about the fear. I was no longer afraid of the tracks. But I was mad, so utterly mad at him, and I knew I needed to get back at him someday.

ROBIN

If it was dangerous to mention just one fear in front of Jeff, it was way worse telling him about two of them. That just made the cogs in his head turn even more aggressively. I guess in his head he thought he was doing me a favor, hitting two birds with one stone, but really it was brutal. 

It started late one night. Jeff had somehow got ahold of some firecrackers and he wanted to set them off in a dark, quiet place where we couldn’t get in trouble. When he handed me a lighter and told me to light and set off one stack, I completely balked. I was deathly afraid, both of the flame and the darkness that enveloped us. I flicked open the lighter and immediately dropped it when the flame lit, too scared to put on a brave face any longer. I confided in Jeff my fears and asked him to take the reins as I watched the firecrackers pop from a safe distance. In another life maybe I’d have enjoyed that moment but definitely not in this one.

The next day, Jeff invited me over to his house. I was really glad about that. I thought he’d think I’m a wimp and no longer want to be my friend, but this proved otherwise. We hung out for a bit watching a movie, after which he told me to follow him into another room where he wanted to show me something really cool. I excitedly followed him in, not knowing what awaited me. What I didn’t expect was for him to quickly dash out of the room and lock it. “What the hell, Jeff?” I shouted. The lights were still off in the room so I tried to calm myself and find the switch. “Don’t bother trying to switch the lights on, they’re fused,” Jeff called out. I was furious and swore at him. “Look, calm down, Robin, just listen to me!” he yelled over my angry rants. I was still mad but I decided to indulge him.

“Near the door, is the lighter from last night. Now I know you’re afraid but trust me, this is going to work! You’re afraid of the dark, right? Well, you have a light source with you that can drive it away. Just try it! You’ve been in the dark for so long and nothing’s happened. Now all you have to do is flick the light on, you’ll see that it really can’t hurt you, it’ll only help,” Jeff said.

I was beyond angry. How dare he take matters into his own hands and play with my fears like this? For the first few minutes, the anger was boiling and it fueled me so much that I forgot I was even in the dark. As soon as that dawned on me, the fear started crawling back and I was afraid again. I imagined all kinds of bad things crawling out around me and I was terrified. 

But as more time went on and nothing happened, I started to relax a bit. Only a bit. The occasional scary thought would surface and send me into a spiral again, and this was a repetitive cycle for quite a while. It had probably been an hour of being stuck in the room, at least. I felt around near the door and my hand touched something. The lighter! My first instinct was to pull my hand away. I contemplated it for a few more minutes before finally plucking up the courage and grabbing it, flicking it open to reveal the flame. I gasped for air, the fear still poignant but I tried to calm myself. I used the light to look for the door handle, noticing a key halfway wedged into the keyhole. It was there all along! I quickly turned it around and opened the door, rushing out the room into the light. Jeff, who was leaning against the door, toppled over and quickly stood up. “Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?” he said infuriatingly. I gave him a withering glance but said nothing, leaving his house and heading to his own. It took me a week to forgive him for his insane behavior, but after that, we were back to normal like nothing happened.

AGNES

You’d think that after becoming an adult, Jeff would stop with this infuriating behavior of his but no such luck. I too was a victim of Jeff’s rash tendencies. 

I met him one fine morning at the zoo where I worked as a zookeeper. It had been two weeks since I’d last seen him and we had a lot of catching up to do. I told him about my fight with Robin, my husband, about whether or not we should have kids yet. He felt like we were ready whereas I felt like we should wait longer. Just in case, I’d always say. But just in case what? That was the question I always evaded.

Truth is, I was scared of being a mother. I had a complicated relationship with my own mother and I was afraid I would make the same mistakes she did, or even worse. I wasn’t ready to be one, that’s what I kept telling myself and that’s what I told Jeff too. He got a contemplative look on his face, which I should have been wary of, I now realize, but it was too late. The damage was done. It was my turn to face Jeff’s signature move. 

I saw him eyeing the fence where the ostriches were kept and I assumed he was interested in seeing them, so I guided him forward to look at them. The mother ostrich had just laid a few eggs and was taking a nap. Completely unaware of the cogs turning in Jeff’s mind, I continued spouting random facts about them from memory while ushering him forwards towards the exit. 

It wasn’t until a few days later that Jeff’s plan commenced. I came home from the zoo, tired and dirty. I decided to take a shower so I headed to the shower. As soon as I pulled aside the curtains, I was met by an unexpected sight: an ostrich egg mid-hatching. I let out a little scream, utterly confused, and trying not to panic. I didn’t know what to do! I never had to take care of the animals, I only cleaned up after them. I decided to quickly call one of my colleagues and ask for help. She guided me through the hatching process and out came a baby ostrich, so small and delicate I was too afraid to hold. I didn’t realize it yet but the baby had imprinted on me, so it refused to leave my side, let alone leave the house and go back to the zoo.

Later that night, Robin came home and was met by me, frustrated, and trying to feed Raven (that’s what I had named the baby). To say that he was confused would be an understatement. I recounted the day’s events and he seemed shocked but slowly started adjusting to the situation. It was then that I received a call from Jeff. 

“Do you like your present?” he asked mischievously. It took me a second to figure out what he meant until it dawned on me: Jeff was the one who brought Raven here! That’s why he was eyeing the eggs a few days ago. My first instinct was to lash out, of course, telling him about all the problems his actions caused me and just letting off steam. When I was done venting my anger, I asked him why he did that.

“Well, you and Robin have been discussing having a baby and getting nowhere. Now’s your time to get over your fear and take care of one; a baby ostrich that is,” he said. I was shocked but opened my mouth to let out another tirade but he stopped me beforehand. “Look, this is just so you can see if you’ll be a good mother or not. And hopefully, in the process, your fears will vanish and you’ll see how ready you really are. You’re welcome,” he added before cutting off the call.

I stood there for a few seconds, mouth open in shock, not knowing what to do.

No one but Jeff had the balls to go against his friends, make them feel like shit, but help them grow eventually. A stranger from afar would think Jeff was an angel, always caring for his friends. But only his friends, people who know him, see how much of a menace he can be. 

Never again did any of us feel the need to share our fears with him.