First Kiss

This was my version of the truth. I was not going to tell Dominic about how I’d given myself a headache by offering to take Eric home when I should’ve just remained at the party with Erika, Arthur, Daphne and the others. I wasn’t going to tell him about how Eric and I engaged in a yelling match with each other in my car, either. Or how he and I had been provoking each other to the point where I asked Eric to get the hell out of my car so that I could go back home and he could “find his own way back home” in the dark and cold of the night.

I wasn’t going to tell Dominic about how Eric had been standing so close to my car, and in the moment that we kept getting on each other’s nerves, I let my emotions get the best of me to the point where I snapped… By hitting Eric. When I ran him over, he was bleeding profusely to death. I didn’t know CPR at the time, so I just let him bleed to death in my car while I was rushing like mad crazy to get to the nearest hospital in time, but of course it was already too late. He didn’t make it, and he uttered his final words to me, “Help me, I’m dying.” I certainly wasn’t going to tell Dominic any of this. He didn’t need to know that I was the one responsible for running my ex-boyfriend over.

Yes, ex-boyfriend. Eric Walker was still someone that I used to care about, at the end of the day. Dominic didn’t need to know that I’d spent time behind bars for vehicular manslaughter because of this. I wasn’t that person anymore.

“What happened, Kara?” he asked. “After he left the party, what happened to him?”

“About an hour or so after the fireworks that night, we heard some news on TV and on the Internet about a hit-and-run incident that took place in the area. Each hour as the story was updating based on the most recent information, we all learned that it was Eric. You know, the fact that he was the victim. He’d been struck really hard, and there was nothing else that paramedics could’ve done for him. He’d been losing way too much blood. He’d suffered some broken ribs and bones… Stuff like that.” More tears ran down my face. “Gosh, it was awful just hearing and reading about what happened to him that evening after he left the party, and we said awful things to him, even me, his own ex-girlfriend. I told him off, and all the harsh things I’ve ever said to him were the last things I’d said to a guy that I used to have a silly little-girl crush on.”

Dominic took a moment to comfort me with a warm hug. “Hey, it’s okay, Kara,” he said softly. “You don’t have to keep talking about this if it still upsets you that much. It wasn’t your fault, okay? There’s no way you could’ve known that it’d be the last time you’d ever see him or hear from him again. No one else could’ve known, either. So, don’t blame yourself for something that took place so long ago.”

I wailed like a little girl; I had to let it all out, after all this time. But mostly, these were tears of disappointment because I’d lied to Dominic about how that evening really went. I hated that I was lying to a man that I could possibly be in love with. “It’s not okay, Dominic. This was a guy that I really had strong feelings for, and what’s worse enough is, he was an only child. Yes, that’s right. His mom was such a sweet woman, and you couldn’t help but feel bad for her because Eric was her only child and now she’s lost him for good. That was the night when she hugged her son for the very last time and told him how much she loved him, not knowing that she’d never see him again. You’re a parent, Dominic; how would you feel if you found out that you told Johnny and Brenna that you loved them one time and the next time, you never saw them again?”

He was caressing my hair as he was hugging me. There was something rather fatherly about his touch. “What was his childhood like?” he asked gently. “Maybe that might explain some of his behavior, not justify it or anything. Did you know him well enough to see what he was like as a child?”

Those were good questions for Arthur and Erika. Arthur, because he’d grown up with Eric; and Erika, because she’d spent a lot of time with Sabrina Walker to learn more about Eric. The other day, Arthur and Erika were able to share with me everything they knew about Eric, his childhood, his complicated relationship with his former stepfather, Henry. So, I got to know more about Eric than I ever had before. As an adult, I was beginning to realize that he was, indeed, a complex person.

“I know all this from his mom, but his parents divorced when he was really little. His dad was a womanizer, so I guess he sort of passed on those negative qualities to Eric. He had a great relationship with his mom, though. It just became a little weird and complicated when she eventually remarried. He and his stepfather got along really well at first, but the relationship became sour when Eric started high school, so that explained his reputation at school. Again, it didn’t justify anything, but it explained a lot about what he’d been going through at home. You just can’t help but feel sympathetic for him, given the circumstances of his life outside of school. He never opened up to me about any of this stuff when we were going out over the summer, so I never got to see that vulnerable side of him.”

“It’s awful, what he’s been through. And some people tend to hide their vulnerable side from others because they want to put on a facade of invincibility all the time. I’m sure he wanted to maintain his bad-boy reputation by acting tough on the outside, so don’t blame yourself for not knowing what he’d been going through, Kara. I guess seeing all his friends at this party really triggered some feelings of abandonment in him, just like you seeing him at the party triggered some negative emotions in you. Right? Tell me I’m right, even though I’m not a psychologist.”

Dominic was right. It’s like he’d gone to school with me, even though he was a few years older than me. “You’re right. He didn’t want me to see his ‘weak’ side, but I would’ve been more understanding and compassionate if I hadn’t said all those terrible things to him. That’ll always be my regret.”

Dominic wrapped his arm around me for a moment before he asked, “So, have they ever caught the person involved in the hit-and-run? You know, the individual who ran him over? Do you know if more than one person was involved in that?”

Again, I had to lie. “I’m not actually sure, but I don’t think they were able to find that person. Or people. Maybe they did, but they probably didn’t want the public to know, for whatever reason.”

“Hmm, now that’s weird… Normally, in investigations like that, the police would immediately inform the public of a suspect or two. It’s odd that they never informed your school or community.” He shrugged. “Oh, well, I guess they tried their best to solve it for the sake of this poor kid’s family, especially since he was an only child. I could only imagine the pain that his parents felt. And yes, to answer your question from before, I’d be very devastated if something awful were to happen to Johnny and Brenna. They’re my world, just like Shayla was my world.”

I was relieved to know that he fully understood what I’d been through all these years. I wanted him to understand exactly where I was coming from, without feeling the need to tell him the actual truth of what really happened to Eric that awful night. 

“I think that probably explains why I hadn’t been so–what’s the word–open to love after all these years,” I said. “After experiencing that betrayal from a crush, I always thought it was best that I closed my heart off from love and not fall too easily for others. For the past four or five years after that, I couldn’t bring myself to fall for anyone without thinking about that devastating betrayal that Eric had put me through. 

“You know, I just didn’t want to risk myself getting hurt all over again. As time went on, I learned to get used to the idea of being single, free, and unattached… Which is probably what brought me here to L.A. in the first place. I just wanted to focus on work and putting myself through school. And even now, romance is the very last thing on my mind. I’m not that type of woman who’s desperate enough to seek it, and I think dating apps are totally lame and targeted to the extremely desperate. And that’s totally not me.” I added with a chuckle.

“Of course, that’s completely understandable.” He nodded in understanding. “No matter what they say, you never really get over your first love, even if it’s just a small high school crush. Your first crush always has an impact on you and how you approach relationships in the future. So, it’s absolutely understandable to be closed off from love so that you don’t set yourself up for another heartbreak or be the type of person who’s so desperate enough to seek love in all the wrong places. It’s better to be single and make as much time for yourself than to let someone in and have them stomp all over your feelings like this guy did, which is a shame. There’s nothing more traumatic than your first heartbreak; it can really warp your perspective on love, not to mention, your self-esteem. Would you agree?”

How could I argue that? “The self-esteem part, you’re right about. After Eric’s death, I did go through a period of depression for a while.” I wasn’t going to tell him it was because of my guilty conscience. “I don’t know how to explain it, but…” I sighed. “God, I guess I must’ve felt so guilty for the way that I yelled at him at the party in front of everyone. I mean, everyone else also told him to leave after he got his sweater back, but I straight-up said awful things to him in front of everyone and I couldn’t control myself. I was just so triggered about seeing him in the first place. I hated that it was the last thing I ever said to him before… You know. So, yeah, I was just in a state of depression for a while, and I’ve had a few moments when I was suicidal. I was struggling a lot, mentally. It’s been very tough for me. I had to miss a couple of days of school because I was too depressed to show my face out in public or hang out with my friends. I just kept to myself and isolated myself from other people. I didn’t want to get out of bed or out of my room… Or my house, as a matter of fact. That’s how badly I had it.”

Dominic gave me a gentle pat on the back. “Well, you’re very brave in talking about your struggles tonight. Talking about it is really helpful, especially sharing it with a good friend like me. I’m so sorry to hear about all this, Kara, how you struggled mentally. That kind of tragedy tends to take a toll on you, especially if you were emotionally invested with the person. And in this case, you were emotionally invested with this guy, no matter his reputation. He was clearly someone special to you, and he’ll always be your first crush, and that’s never going to change. But I’m sure that as an adult, you can try to find a new perspective on love and realize that not all guys are like Eric. He was just one guy. I hope there’s some way to convince you that not every guy is like that. I’m certainly not like that. I’ve never mistreated a woman like that, and neither has my brother. Our dad has taught us well. I don’t know… Do you think I’ve convinced you about the good side of love?”

Was this his “subtle” way of flirting with me? “I’m brave enough to admit that I don’t know how I feel about love right now,” I said. “I think I’ll need some more time before I can fully trust someone else enough to let them in again, without another heartbreak or disappointment, or a complete waste of my time.”

“Gotcha.” He nodded, though I couldn’t help but notice the look of disappointment on his face. I’m sorry that I wasn’t such a hopeless romantic. He needed to understand that.

Guess not…

“It’s not like I’m trying to influence you or anything, Kara, but… I can’t keep this to myself anymore. I have these really strong feelings for you. I can’t explain them or try to rationalize them.” He pulled me in a little closer to him. “I think you’re the most beautiful woman in the world to me. I haven’t felt this way since Shayla.” He was lowering his voice, so as not to risk waking up the kids or Adam. “I love how nice and compassionate you are, especially toward me and the kids, and Adam too. You deserve to be a part of our family. I don’t want you to ever feel alone, Kara. Do you understand?”

He was right, but I didn’t want to cross that line of giving in to temptation. I was just here to do my job. I didn’t want to get romantically involved with him. “Dominic…” I whispered as a tear ran down my eye.

“Shh, don’t say anything.” He slowly took off my shirt, revealing just my bra. Then he took off his shirt, revealing his perfect abs. Yeah, we were really doing this. We became a little more comfortable on the couch, and that was the moment… Our lips touched for the very first time. His lips felt like magic, I had to admit. I tried to resist, but I just couldn’t. I’d never been this intimate with a real man before. I hated to admit it, but Eric Walker really was just a summer fling, since he’d apparently been seeing Olivia Lansing and the entire female population at Jimmy Carter High behind my back all summer long. But Dominic Norworth… He was a real man. He’d been single all these years after losing his wife Shayla. Which was precisely the reason why I didn’t want to get so involved with him, but here I was now… Getting totally involved. I couldn’t help it.

“I love you, Kara Muller,” he whispered.

I had no choice but to say it back because it was true. “I love you too, Dominic Norworth.”

“Do you really mean it?” he asked with a smile as he gradually sat back up on the couch. I was lying on the couch, not tired yet, but I tried to fight to keep my eyes open so that I didn’t randomly fall asleep on the couch instead of up in my own room.

“Yes,” I said softly as I made my way up on the couch, “but just as a friend, Dominic. I can’t let this happen, okay? I’m afraid that I’ll have to turn you down gently. This can’t happen again. I’m your nanny… We can’t do this to the kids.”

“But you’re not my nanny, Kara. You’re the nanny to my kids, and they’re asleep now,” he said. “You haven’t started working yet until tomorrow. What’s the harm in having a little fun?”

“This may be ‘fun’ for you, Dominic, but I literally just spent half an hour, telling you my life story about my first heartbreak in high school,” I said as I put my shirt back on.

He was a little hurt. “Wait, so you think I’m like this guy? That after the moment we just had, I’ll go out and do it with some other girl at a bar? You really think that about me, Kara? I’m a single father; I don’t even have time to pursue other girls like that.”

I knew that, of course. “That’s not what I’m saying at all, Dominic.” I sighed in frustration. “I know you’re not that type of guy, and thank God you’re not. But still… I can’t get involved with you like that.”

“But I thought we were getting along so well. What seems to be the problem?”

The fact that he had to ask me that said volumes about what the problem was. “That’s the problem, Dominic. We’re getting too close! And I can’t risk having that happen. What if we don’t work out? The kids will have to suffer because of it, and I can’t do that to them. I need to put them first. I’m gonna go to bed now. I’m not even tired yet, but I have to make a few phone calls to some friends and my parents, so I’ll just go up and do what I need to do for the time being. But you, sleep tight, okay?” I left to go up to my room, without saying anything else.