Cape of Fear

The ringing phone interrupts her typing.  

“-Hello?"

“-The harassment meeting will be today?  No one told me-”

“-1 PM,  OK. I just want to tell my side of the story-”

“-No. only myself, was I supposed to bring representation? I dont have anyone.”  

“-Thank you.” 

She hangs up the phone, and looks at the clock. 

3 hours, 47 minutes.

The waiting and delays are over, and her fear comes back. The meeting she has been asking for is finally happening, and now she feels her skin prickle with anxiety.  She thought of so many other days she had sat in this same office and let the morning just go, filling out reports, important at the time and due at Close Of Business, or emails, feeling like it mattered who was copied, who was on BCC, or just left off. 

Deeply focused on the minutiae of her work, and doing it well, she had missed the fundamental condition of this place.  A company where men imprisoned women in boxes with invisible bars, held in their place, to be encouraged, but only so far, and then pushed back down.  An office where secretaries are always women, bosses always men, and the expectation for obsequiousness extends after-hours.    

3 hours, 35 minutes.

Looking around at her desk she wonders if she will be here tomorrow.  She likes her office, the window and the view of the park next door. She looks forward to the afternoons when the colors and sounds of the children playing fill up the green space. Staring out the window now there is only a white-haired woman walking alone in the park, her oversized overcoat flaps behind her. She learned the corporate game, and played it well, out of the cubicles and into her own office. Today, it might all go away. 

She worries if she can tell her story with enough color and depth so they will listen. She has practiced the words. At first she could not get through it, would break down, the deep pain and humiliations she has suffered overwhelming her.  Now, after saying the words over and over, it is another person's story she is telling.  She can state the situation, what he said, what he did. She knows she can keep it together, if they let her. Will they listen to her story?  

3 hours 24 minutes to go. 

Staring at her computer screen, her eyes cannot connect the words to any meaning. The morning sun comes in from the window and shines on her desk, small particles float through the sun beam. She fears losing her income, but also of losing her self-identity.  Her selfhood is wrapped up in being a successful , independent businessperson, and now will she just be seen as a secretary pushed out the door? 

If she had someone to listen to her she would describe her fear as a thick, heavy, cape weighing on her shoulders and pulling her down into herself. Fear of losing her job, fear of the shame of being exposed. Fear of the actuality of what occurred to her, and the realization she has no recourse.   No matter what happens, she has lost her joy at this job, doing what she loves.

After being in this fear for a while now she has become accustomed to the feel of it. Wearing this cape of fear has strengthened her, as she knows the worst has come to pass. It has given her legs to stand up, steeled her shoulders to brace for what is to come.  

She recognizes she can live with this fear, and she can get past it.  There are other jobs out there, and they can not be worse. 

2 hours, 57 minutes

Her cellphone buzzes with a missed text from Allen;

 ‘are you coming to the quarterly Ad meeting?'

She looks quickly at her calendar, and a panic instinct moves her to stand up.  

But she can not face those people, and sits back down.  She can picture the long rambling meeting with no agenda and no purpose.  Allen, she knows, has already decided, and just wants an audience to hear it.   She does need to be part of that today. 

She can find another job, but she only knows one way to find her self-respect.  She wants to, needs to,  be able to say out loud what happened.  The company offered a dollar figure for her to keep quiet, but it was not enough. It could never be enough.  Maybe she doesn't care anymore what her co-workers think,  they have shown their true colors already, and she has lost respect for their concerns. Accepting their offer means they win, she would just be a number on a tally sheet. Her silence is not for sale.

 She wipes her desk clean, clearing off the dust, straightens the keyboard, then her files. She decides to go to the bathroom, more for something to do than for any need.

She meets Sarah in the hall, who grabs her arm and pulls her into the empty copier room. 

“I heard you are going to talk about Don.“ 

“They scheduled a meeting today at 1.”

“I cant believe you are going to talk, are you worried about what they will do?  Going against Don will make it hard to get another job in the industry.” Sarah says.

She shrugs, “Maybe, maybe not”.

“I heard they sometimes offer you, I mean the women, a check for signing an NDA?”  Sarah asks

“Yes, I can't really talk about it, but yes. I didn't take it. “

“Are you crazy?” Sarah says

She starts walking away. “I am worth more than any check.”

She had such ambition, such optimism about her future here.  The rising star, a promotion to more responsibility as an independent contributor. That is when it started up with Don, requests to work late, and special projects. Thrilled with his attention, she did not want to see his actions for what they were.  Don had promised, if she acquiesced, a management position.  When she didn't, and then when he got upset and forced himself, well, that all ended. Now she has been floating here at this company, untethered now to any corporate ladder.  Wafting through the corridors and  no longer able to connect to the organization.  At first she didn't notice the change.  Being pulled out of the cross-departmental Tiger team was a relief, and when some of her meetings fell off her calendar, all of a sudden she had more time for her work.  She appreciated the unexpected extra time. 

The conversations that suddenly ended when she walked in the room, and the furtive looks was a sharper turn, and more noticeable. Today she has to step into the abyss. 

In this company of cowards she is a pariah for stepping up and confronting the status quo. 

2 hours, 5 minutes. 

Julia peaks her head in her office. “Can we come in?”  Mary follows her, and they close the door. Mary works for Don too. 

She keeps her eyes on Mary, who won't stop staring at her twisting hands. 

“Are you really going to do it?” Julie says. 

“They are coming in today. “

“Are you worried?”

“Yes. Not about me, I am worried they won’t listen, that he’ll continue.” 

Mary still not looking up, asks “Do you- have proof?”

“I have his text messages, and some pictures,” she says.  “ I sent those to HR, maybe that is why they finally agreed to meet.”

Mary looks up, “I sent mine to HR too, but…”

“How much did they offer you?”

“How dare you!  Mary stood up, her face turning red. “All you care about is yourself.  You are going to cause a lot of damage with this, why couldn't you just take the money? Why do you have to make waves? You are the problem- you! “

Mary, turns, and grabs the door handle, slams the door open as she storms out. 

Julia, stands up, “I think you should think about the collateral damage of what you are doing here.” 

55 minutes. 

In the break room, she just looks at her lunch, and can't imagine eating.  

Bill and John walk in, stopping their conversation mid-sentence.  They go out of their way to not look at her, quickly grab their lunches and leave. On the way out, Bill glances back at her and then looks away quickly, smirking. She hears her name as they leave, then laughing.

23 minutes. 

On her computer, she looks for deals on the online shopping site. It would be nice not to worry about money. Should she just take the pay-off?  She feels for Mary, she is younger, and needs her position, the paycheck.  Telling her side of the story implicates Mary. That will come up. What should she do? Is it really all about herself, is she being selfish? 

1 minute. 

It is time. She steps out onto the hall, onto the worn carpet, the scuffed walls narrowing as she heads down to the large conference room. Through the glass walls she sees the company's general counsel Bill, head of HR, John, and the VP of the department, Spencer. Two more men she does not recognize, probably lawyers.  

She realizes she is going to have to discuss the intimate details of the affair with a roomful of men, by herself. And Bill and John are his best friends. Spencer has been covering for Don for years.  Her voice alone won't change anything.  Is she making the right decision? The money would help her out, she can quit and use the money to start her life.   Giving up the payout, just to be heard by these people who will not listen?

She stops in the hall, and looks back.   Behind her, the cubicles are full of her co-workers, she sees them peeking their heads above their desks, following her as she walks. Not a friendly face in the group. 

She takes a deep breath, and squares her shoulders, shrugging off her cape of fear.  She has to speak, out loud, for herself, even if no one listens. She does not expect anything more. She starts walking toward the door, and hears a voice call out, 

“Wait.”   Mary slowly stands up from her desk.  She straightens her skirt.

“I 'll go with you. I will talk too. F- the NDA.” 

“Let us both tell our story.”  Mary says. 

They grab hands and walk in together.