Goodbye, Cupcake

We were in Grandpa’s house in Stowe. Mom had driven us up from Long Island the day before. I was tired from the drive, but excited to see Grandpa and Grandma ‘cause we hadn’t seen them since Christmas. We never saw them for Easter. That was when we would have Pop-Pop and Nana come stay with us, and they always would make us go to church, which Mom didn’t really do. There was incense that made me feel sick, and Pop-Pop had to take me outside so I wouldn’t throw up. Plus, Dad never came with us. And he wasn’t with us in Stowe. He stayed home because of work.

Anyways, school was over now, and I was so happy to be done. Of course, I miss my school friends, but they all go to the beach or camp during the summer, so it’s not like I would see them. Maybe Anna will have a pool party before school starts like she did last year. That’s probably when I’ll see any of them again.

Being in Stowe meant a chance to go horseback riding and see my cousin Kate, who is my age, but so much prettier. Everyone says so. I know it myself when I look in the mirror. She’s got that platinum blonde hair, and I’m the only one with mousy brown. Least that’s what Mom calls it. I hate when she says it. She’s got that platinum blonde too, but I can’t help it. I guess I get my hair from my dad.

When I am on the horse, though, I know I can ride better than Kate, and I feel so free. It’s really the best feeling in the world.

Plus, the horse doesn’t care what color my hair is or if my boobs are coming in yet or if I got my period. The horse, Cupcake, has brown hair himself and he likes it when I bring him an apple or a carrot and he lets me pet him. He never bites my fingers, just takes what I got from my hand.

Matter of fact, that’s what I was doing in the stable when I thought I heard Grandpa’s voice, which was weird, ‘cause he never rides horses. “Only pay for them,” he would tell his friend Grady--Mr. Roberts to me--when Mr. and Mrs. Roberts would come over for drinks and dinner. And then more drinks after dinner.

Of course, Grandma rides and Mom grew up riding, which is how I got to be so good, I suppose.

So, like I was saying, it was really strange to hear Grandpa in the stable, but I was sure it was him, even though he was talking real quiet. So I went to see who he was talking to, and you can imagine my surprise when, behind a bale of hay, I saw Kate, whose boobs are starting to come in, and I am guessing she might have gotten her period already, but she didn’t tell me, because even though we are close in age, we aren’t close about everything, and she can also be real secretive about certain things, especially when it comes to boys.

I peeked around the back door of the stable, real careful not to make a noise because I didn’t want them to think I was eavesdropping or anything, but, like I said, why on Earth would Grandpa be down at the stables?

I heard Grandpa say something like, “Oh, that’s very pretty.” And then I thought he said, “Can I touch it?” But I couldn’t be sure.

Then I thought I heard Kate mumble something, but I couldn’t tell what she said.

I got a real funny feeling in my stomach, and I didn’t want to disturb them. Grandpa would get real upset if you snuck up on him or anything like that. And I sure wasn’t going to say anything myself, because “children were meant to be seen and not heard,” Grandpa would always say, and Grandma would nod, so I guess she agreed with him. She had plenty to say when she disagreed with him on something, like whether the horses were worth it or if Kate’s mom, my Aunt Mildred, could come live with them when she got divorced from my Uncle Tom.

So I stayed real quiet, and then I guess Grandpa must have had to pee or something, because next thing I knew, he stood and zipped up his trousers. Funny thing about that was, I didn’t hear any water sounds hitting the ground. I was really confused, and I wasn’t sure what to do, so I just went back to Cupcake and pet him some more and pretended like I didn’t see or hear anything when Grandpa came walking through the barn. My back was to him when he said “Good afternoon, Elizabeth,” which was how he always said my name, even though Aunt Mildred calls me Liza, and last year Anna and some of my other school friends told me I should go by Beth, which I started to do. I like the way Beth sounds better than Liza. Beth is softer. Liza on paper looks like the beginning of “Lizard” and also kind of like “Liar,” and I don’t want to be either of those things.

“Hi Grandpa,” I said.

It took another few minutes for Kate to come in, and she looked like she might have been crying, but when I asked her if she was okay, she told me, “Shut up,” then added “Mind your own business.” So I did what I was told.

Later that night, when we were all around the dinner table, Mom, Aunt Mildred, Grandpa, Grandma, Kate and me, I did my best to forget about Grandpa behind the stables with Kate, but for the life of me, I could not put it out of my mind. I did my best to think about petting Cupcake. The meatloaf tasted okay, but I wasn’t very hungry, and I guess Kate wasn’t hungry either, ‘cause she barely touched her food, then asked to be excused and went to her bedroom before we were even finished.

Grandpa said, “She’s probably coming down with something.”

Grandma nodded and said, “There is a summer flu going around,” and Aunt Mildred and Mom both nodded along with her.

Then Mom said to me, “You need to wash your hands real good when you come in from the stables and before eating, okay, Elizabeth? We don’t want you to get the summer flu like Kate.”

“Yes, Mom,” I said, and I didn’t roll my eyes or anything.

“Liza, honey, don’t you like the meatloaf?”

“It’s very good, Aunt Mildred. I guess I am just not that hungry.”

Grandpa stood up and took his whiskey glass. “I’m finished, too. Headed to the parlor.”

From where I sat, I could hear the clink of ice cubes and the sound of liquid being poured. The bar was just the other side of the doorway from the dining room, inside the parlor.

I have seen and heard boys pee outside before. It always makes a sound, kind of like rain on the roof. Why didn’t Grandpa’s pee make noise, and why did he have to pee when he was talking to Kate, and what was so pretty that he wanted to touch it, and and and …

I woke up in my bed. Mom was sitting on the edge of it.

“What happened? How did I get here?”

“You fainted.” Mom put her hand to my forehead. “No fever. Are you sure you are feeling okay? I’m worried you might be getting the summer flu like Kate.”

“Kate doesn’t have the summer flu, Mom. Neither do I.” I surprised myself with my words.

“How can you be so sure? Did you and Kate get into a fight or something? What’s going on?”

“No. I barely saw her today. She didn’t go riding with me when I took out Cupcake, and I only saw her after I put him back in the stall and was feeding him an apple.”

“Well what was she doing down at the stalls if she wasn’t riding today?”

“I don’t know.”

Silence hung between us like a sheet on a clothesline.

“Grandpa was at the stables.”

“Grandpa?! At the stables?! Why, what on Earth would he be doing at the stables? He hates those horses, says all he has to do is pay for them.”

“He wasn’t with the horses.”

“Who was he with?”

“Kate.”

“Well, what would he have been doing with Kate at the stables?”

“I told you, Mom, I don’t know.” I pulled the sheets up to my chin, even though it wasn’t cold and the Stowe house has no air conditioning.

“Elizabeth,” Mom paused. “If you saw or heard something, you can tell me.”

“I am not sure what I saw or heard.”

“Okay. Well what do you think you saw? Or what did you hear?”

“I heard Grandpa say something was pretty and that he wanted to touch it.”

“What was it?”

“I don’t know, but I think Kate has it.”

“I see.”

“What else did you see or hear?”

“I saw Grandpa zipping up his trousers, like maybe he had to pee, but it made no sound.”

“What made no sound?”

“His pee.”

“What do you mean, his pee made no sound?”

“I mean, I didn’t hear the sound of pee on the ground.”

“I see. Maybe he didn’t have to pee after all. Are you sure he was zipping up his fly?”

“That’s what it looked like. I don’t think he saw me, and I went back to Cupcake, and then when Grandpa left he just walked by me and said, ‘Good afternoon, Elizabeth,’ and kept on walking. Kate came through a few minutes later and I thought maybe she was crying, but when I asked her if she was okay, she told me to shut up and mind my own business, so I did.”

“Thank you for telling me this Elizabeth. I think I should go check on Kate and Aunt Mildred. Try to get some sleep, okay?”

“Okay, Mom.”

I was sleeping really good and having a dream about riding Cupcake when I heard yelling and a glass or a dish breaking downstairs. It sounded like Grandma and Grandpa were having an argument. It was hard to hear exactly, but I think that Grandpa said, “It was your idea to have her move back in here,” and then Grandma said something like, “Do not give me that John, we are talking about your granddaughter!” And I was pretty sure they weren’t talking about me, so I guess it must have been Kate.

I tried to go back to sleep, but all I could do was toss and turn, and then it started to get light out, but at least the noise downstairs died down.

I still felt tired when I came down for breakfast, but I was definitely hungry, and I wanted to ride Cupcake again. I would do it every day it wasn’t raining until we had to go back home.

Instead, I found Mom, Aunt Mildred, Grandma and Kate already downstairs in the kitchen. Grandpa wasn’t there, so I guess he was still sleeping.

Mom said to me, “Elizabeth, you need to pack your bag and come back downstairs. We’re going home early.”

We got breakfast at a rest stop on the New York State Thruway. It turns out Kate and Aunt Mildred were coming to visit us and bringing Grandma. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Cupcake.