Dear Caroline: My Apologies from Prison

September 1st,

Dear Caroline,

It has been 3 years since I have seen you or spoken with you. I miss you. I understand why you haven’t spoken to me… I put you at risk, I put your kids at risk and I destroyed your home. In your shoes, I guess I wouldn’t be speaking to me either. But I still miss you. And I guess I wanted to make sure you knew that. 

Everyone here at the prison is assigned to a social worker. They are not all cut from the same cloth. I think I have one of the better ones. My SW’s name is Abigail. Abigail told me recently that just because something seems obvious doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be said out loud. Sometimes people still need to hear the obvious and sometimes the obvious isn’t as obvious as we think. And so I decided I should write you this letter. I’m not asking anything from you, I just want you to know the obvious. And that is that I love you, and that if love were enough, I wouldn’t have become an addict. And that is important, because I would have NEVER put your life and the life of your kids in danger if I was sober. So I’m not asking for your forgiveness, for what I did, I don’t necessarily deserve forgiveness. But I think you deserve to know how much I love you. That's all. 

Missing you, 

Your sister, 

Sara

Sept 31st

Dear Caroline, 

It has been about a month since I sent you a letter and it has not gotten returned! I take this as a good sign. Even though I did not hear back from you, the fact that you didn’t reject my letter means maybe you still love me! I’m still not expecting you to forgive me or write me back right now, but maybe one day you would speak to me again. Abigail says that if you want something and it is important to you, you have to work for it. I realize that in my life, I don’t have a strong history of working for what I care about. I have decided that I should work to hear back from you. I told Abigail this and she told me that working toward having a relationship with you again would have to involve a lot more than just writing you a few letters. Let's be honest, I was a screw up for a long time before I blew up your house and you always kept me around. You cutting me off shows that I definitely pushed way too far. I need to show you that I know I pushed too far and I’m prepared to do what I need to do in order for that to never happen again. Even if I am likely never to get out of here. 

So I decided that I need to get sober. Let’s be honest, you can get drugs and alcohol in here. Addicts can make anything into a reason to use, but if there are any good reasons, I feel like I have them. I lost my boyfriend. I lost my sister and I lost my nieces and nephew (I know I caused this but still), And that's on top of all the reasons I had to use before that day. It’s a lot to deal with on a daily basis and so I pretty much chose to not deal with it. 

But if I’m going to do what I need to do to maybe someday hear from you again, then I really need to be sober for that. Abigail says it will be really hard for me, I’ve pretty much consistently been intoxicated for about 20 years (did you know that? You probably did). And they don’t have treatment here. But they do have AA groups. Some of the women here have been to enough AA meetings that they could run a meeting in their sleep. So I’m going to start going to the meetings. Abigail pointed out that I have been sober for long periods of time four times in the past. When I was pregnant with all four of my kids. She acted like it was some big deal and I told her I didn’t think I deserved praise for doing what I’m supposed to do to keep my kids safe. And she told me that maybe that is true, but at the same time, a lot of mom’s can’t seem to manage it. I’d never really thought of it in that way before. Like, I did a whole lot of things wrong as a parent, but at least I can say I did one thing right for each kid. 

Abigail says this is important to remember because when I am feeling really desperate to drink some of the disgusting moonshine here, ( and it does taste bad, imagine whisky made in a toilet), I can remember that I have done this successfully before. So I started thinking more about how my kids got me through sobriety and it's funny, because I could make good decisions for them, kids I loved, but didn’t even know yet. But I couldn’t make good decisions for my nieces and nephew who I loved and knew well. Of course I was using, so I really couldn’t make good decisions regardless. But anyway, I decided that if I could be sober for my kids. I can also be sober for yours. So that’s what I plan to do. They don’t need to do anything of course. I just mean, I’m going to use the thought of them as motivation. They deserve a sober aunt. Even if they never talk to me again either.  

Missing you, 

Your sister, 

Sara

Oct 15th

Dear Caroline, 

Since you haven’t returned any of my letters, I’m thinking I’ll send one every other week or so. Just to update you on my progress in getting sober both physically and emotionally. I’m not going to lie, at this point, I am hoping that maybe one day you will come visit me. Hopefully you still love me and miss me too. Even if I don’t deserve it. I’m hoping if you see how much work I am doing for you and the kids (and for myself), that maybe one day, you might want to see me again. I recognize our relationship won’t ever be what it was. But we are twins. We’ve been together since birth. Our connection, it’s special. One day I will die in this place, and I hope to die knowing that our connection is still intact. Even if you are still mad at me on that day. 

So anyway, I will keep you updated on me doing the work I’m doing in hopes that one day, you will believe how sincere I am and come here. 

As for sobriety updates, well I’m still sober. It’s been almost a month. My favorite AA group here is lead by an inmate named Molly. Molly says I will get my one month chip next week and that she is proud of me. Molly used to use heroine and would prostitute for money for drugs. Her kid died because of her using. I find her really easy to relate to. Riley didn’t die because of my use, but still, Molly and I are both addicts who have lost a child. I think she is a good person for me to know. She has been sober since her son died. So she’s been sober the entire time she has been in here. Molly says she’s proud of me and all the progress I’ve made. I have to be honest with you sis, I’m a bit worried I’m going to fuck up my success. It never seems like I was successful for any real length of time in my life. I have to keep reminding myself that that was because I was using. Now that I am not using, I am thinking clearly and I shouldn’t have the same problems with messing up. But still, it feels weird. Abigail says I should explore why success is uncomfortable for me. 

Missing you, 

Your sister, 

Sara

Oct 27th

Dear Caroline, 

I got my one month chip in AA. I was going to ask if you are proud of me, but Abigail says it is more important I be proud of myself. It’s great for me to use others as motivation and inspiration, but I have to do a lot of this growing stuff for me. Because, you know, if you never come visit me, I still find ways to maintain my sobriety. 

It is getting easier. That is to say, I don’t feel loopy and sick all the time. But again, I’m still at the beginning of this sobriety process. So I’m sure it will get harder again. But about my chip. It was kind of cool to get it. I mean, it’s really just a coin or whatever, but it felt like everyone was genuinely proud of me. I have to be honest, I’m not used to making people proud. Molly continues to be someone I can really talk to. She really seems to get me. She’s a fuck up too. She’s been sober 7 years. She says she stays sober for her other kids. She’s hoping they’ll come see her just like I hope you’ll come see me. Everyone in this place has a thing they want they can’t have. I guess that is part of the punishment or whatever.  

Missing you, 

Your sister, 

Sara

Nov 10th

Dear Caroline, 

Molly says it is time for me to get real with myself. She says that I’ve been in the AA group for almost two months, but she doesn’t really think I’m serious about working the steps. She told me she thinks I’m serious about getting sober, but it won’t last if I don’t do the work. She said it is hard and it will stay hard a long time. She asked me if I am ready to do the tough work. I told her sure. She didn’t look convinced. I told Abigail about this conversation and you know what she said? She agreed! Can you believe that? They make me sound no better than Ronda (did I tell you about Ronda, the new girl in my AA group? The one that comes to AA just to gossip I think). If I’m not better than Ronda, what am I even doing there? Like why should I keep going?

Okay, I know you, and you’d tell me not to just up and quit if I think something was a good thing for me. You’d ask me if I asked them why they even are saying those things. And I didn’t ask them, I just got irritated and left. But then I figured, if I thought I was doing good and they felt I wasn’t serious, then maybe they have their reasons - even if those reasons are for sure wrong. I knew you would tell me to hear them out. So I went back and asked.

So here are the reasons they told me: 1) I haven’t been going to meetings daily. There are meetings everyday here and they say that at the beginning of your recovery, you need to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I probably go like 5 days a week which I feel like is a lot, but apparently, it isn’t where I need to be. Abigail says that maybe, a person with a lot of responsibility outside of here might have a good reason occasionally to miss a meeting in the first 90 days, but there are very few good reasons. But since I’m in here, she said “what else have you got to do?”  2) Molly is concerned about my commitment to the meetings as well. She also says I haven’t shown that much interest in the steps. She asked me if I feel ready to make amends. I told her of course not, do people ever really feel ready for that? And apparently people do. I have to wonder though, if I made amends with you, maybe would you come visit me, or at least write me back?

So I guess I don’t know what to think, I thought I was doing good and now I’m not so sure. Molly encouraged me not to stop coming to meetings just because I am feeling discouraged. She’d like to see me do more, but she doesn’t want me to do less. So I guess I’m on my way to a meeting now. I don’t know if I’m going to say anything today though.

Missing you, 

Your sister, 

Sara

Nov 24th

Dear Caroline,

Happy Thanksgiving. I never really liked Thanksgiving. It really annoyed me when people asked me what I was thankful for. Like I dealt with a lot of shit in my life, I’m not sure I’m feeling grateful most of the time you know? But Abigail says that gratitude is a really important part of happiness and success. She thinks that maybe my lack of gratitude is part of what snowballed me into a life of alcoholism and stupid decisions. She told me I should keep a gratitude journal. I told her that sounded like some stupid shit. Don’t you think so? I don’t want a journal with a bunch of roses on it or whatever. I mean not actual roses, but it feels like roses because of all the stupid shit inside. Am I making sense? Whatever, I feel like you would tell me to keep the stupid journal. Do you have a gratitude journal?

Anyway, jury is still out for me on the gratitude journal, but I thought I would find a compromise and could at least try to be grateful for 1 day. This day, Thanksgiving. So what am I grateful for right now? I’m grateful for Abigail and Molly. I’m grateful for my sobriety (even though I don’t know if I will stick with AA), I’m grateful I can do something to show my love for your kids (even if they don’t know) and I’m very grateful you still haven’t sent back any of my letters. 

Sobriety update: I got my 60 day chip (it’s gold). I haven’t missed a meeting in 2 weeks. Not even today, Thanksgiving. Really starting to think about the steps. Not so sure about steps 2 and 3. I don’t really believe in God. I’m dreading step 4, it sounds terrible. Apparently you can skip around, but Molly thinks 4 is a good place for me to linger for now. It’s a Moral Inventory. She suggested maybe Abigail might help me with it. Honestly, if this is a step I have to do, I wish you would help me with it. You still probably know me better than anyone. I’m not expecting that you would at this point contact me. I just wish that I hadn’t destroyed our relationship so thoroughly that you could be with me for this part. 

On the small chance that you are telling the kids about these letters, please tell them I said happy Thanksgiving. 

Missing you, 

Your sister, 

Sara 

Dec 2nd

Dear Caroline, 

I know it is a bit early for another letter, I don’t want to barrage you or whatever. But I figured, you might want to know what I decided about AA. And that is that I am all in. I said I was going to do this for my nieces and nephew and that is what I’m going to do. Abigail says I have a history of giving up when things get hard. She is maybe, probably, kind of right. Maybe that is why I lost custody of my own kids. So I guess 90 meetings in 90 days it is for me. I’m honestly almost there. And then regular meetings for a long time after that. I’ll definitely still need them.  And I’ve already started taking the steps more seriously. Still dreading some of them, but feeling more ready to dig into step 4. I think this is going to get worse before it gets better. I don’t see a way through this without thinking about a lot of things I don’t want to think about and feeling a lot of pain I never wanted to feel. But I am really hopeful it will feel better on the other side. 

One day, I will see you again and for the first time in a long time. You will be proud of me. 

Missing you, 

I love you, 

Your sister, 

Sara