The Price of Guilt

She occasionally glanced at the clock, impatiently waiting for Ms. Myers to stop explaining to the class about the world's greatest lie. She didn't believe in it. In fact, she didn't believe in anything anymore. All Sarah wanted to do was get up and leave. When she finally got the chance, she nonchalantly walked to the bathroom, closed the door behind her, looked at herself in the mirror, and began to cry heavily. Tears rolled down as her pale cheeks turned red. She thought about the week earlier. Sarah held herself and sat down, continuing to sob and whispering to herself, 

"It was all my fault. I deserve to be in her place right now."  

She was too lost in her thoughts, forgetting that she had to go back to class and pack her bag to leave, as it was time to go home. Her friend Anna knocked vigorously on the door. 

"Sarah? Are you in there? We need to leave, hurry up!"

 She was worried about why Sarah had taken so long to come back to class, and a thought reassured her that it was definitely something serious. Sarah wiped her tears away, got back up to look at herself in the mirror, and splashed cold water on her face. Although the water was nearly frigid, Sarah needed to cool down, and this was the only way she could get herself to look a bit more normal when she went back. Walking back to class, she was surprised to see that Anna was still waiting for her. However, Anna was only curious and wanted to know what had happened. Sarah gave her a dry response and continued to pack her bag as quickly as possible so that she could rush out of class and not have to answer to Anna.

 "Look, I know you're upset that I'm moving away for college, but don't worry, we can always call and meet up!"

 Anna reminded her, hoping that would reassure Sarah. However, Sarah looked at her and gave her a weak smile as she nodded, implying that she was alright now. She then left the room as her friend continued to speak to her about other things.

Clearly, Anna didn't know what was going on in Sarah's mind. She couldn't even grasp a hint of what could have been. Instead, she jumped to a conclusion that only added insult to Sarah's injury. Believing that the problem was now resolved, Anna went home satisfied, assured that her one-line response to Sarah's misery had fixed the issue. On the other hand, Sarah took the bus home as usual. Her parents had been working on cases all day and night for a week at the hospital, and the only person who waited for her at home every day was her grandma, Suzy. Sarah was usually the only one who used to spend most of her time in the day with her, which is why she had a harder time processing everything that had happened.

She was anxious on her way home and had a tremor in her legs because she didn’t know what was to happen next in her life. As the bus stopped at the signal nearest to her home, Sarah thanked the bus driver, stepped off the steps of the bus, and walked for the next two minutes until she arrived. Although she seemed normal, Sarah kept thinking about the incident and wondered where she could have messed up because everything was going perfectly until that one day came along.

When she entered through the front door, Sarah heard a voice say “Sarah? Is that you, my dear?”. It was her Grandmother, Suzy’s voice. Sarah dropped her bag in disbelief, unable to register what happened. "Grandma? Where did you? You...You... But how?" Sarah stood in the doorway, not moving even for a second until her grandma stood up and slowly faded away. When she realized that it was a hallucination, her eyes grew large from fear and a shock of terror ran through her body. 

“She was right here”, she whispered to herself.

She walked toward the kitchen, held on to the sofa, and quickly sat down. She felt lightheaded from what she had just seen, and the thought of her grandma put her into tears again. She tightly gripped the edge of the sofa with her left hand, holding her head in her right. Sobbing deeply, she occasionally gasped heavily for air. It had been exactly a week since Sarah’s grandmother passed away due to her heart attack, and everyone had begun to move on. However, Sarah was the only person who struggled to let go. When she first heard about her grandmother’s death on her way home from school, she was caught off guard and felt herself entering turmoil. Ever since then, nothing was the same for her anymore.

At times, when she prayed, she would remember her grandmother’s smile, her jokes, and her shawl that she once gifted Sarah on her birthday. She prayed for her, for her grandmother’s ease. But the only thing she could remember was the last moment she saw her grandmother’s face before her demise. She would begin to tremble, as her hallucinations seemed as real as they were before. Whenever she closed her eyes, woke up from her sleep, or walked around to settle her thoughts, all she could see was her grandmother. She felt a pang in her chest each time she remembered her, but couldn’t help herself. Thinking about the time when she was not there for her grandmother when she needed someone by her side, Sarah would curl up in bed with guilt and remorse. Wishing she could be back just for once, Sarah wanted to hold her grandmother’s warm hands, lamenting for forgiveness.

Two months passed, change was now the norm, and Sarah’s life encouraged her to move on. Sarah’s parents were unfazed by the situation as well, as they had seen too many cases similar to Sarah’s grandmother’s. But Sarah’s fond memories with her grandmother clung to her at times when she missed her incessantly, and she found solace in her grandmother’s shawl. It still held the smell of Jasmine flowers, fresh and pleasant like the first time her grandmother gave it to her. But thinking about her began to upset Sarah. 

“Why did this have to happen? Why did life lead me to see this day?” were the thoughts that stuck in her head as her grandmother’s laugh and memories kept ringing in her ears. 

She was helpless and knew she couldn’t bring her grandmother back. But the burden of the blame she put on herself was unbearable. Sarah experienced recurring nightmares of her grandmother’s death which made Sarah loathe herself more. But she couldn’t help but blame herself, as the memories began to haunt her. Time passed, the seasons changed, and new challenges came along Sarah’s way in her life, but her level of culpability left her playing with her mind and feelings forever. That way, Sarah was never able to bring her old self back, as it had already departed with her grandmother, at the time of her demise.