My Fear Became The World

I saw a man drown. 

I was six years old, playing in the sand and smiling. It was a warm and relaxed evening on the Florida gulf coast. The older kids boogie boarded on the waves with playful yells, seven year olds ran along the beach trying to make wind kites fly, and my parents sat behind me watching the red setting sun, cool drinks in their hand and enjoying a lovely sea breeze. 

We all heard his screams first. He was in the ocean, arms flapping about with wild terror. At first I thought the noise came from an animal, it was too primal and shrill to be human. Then I saw his eyes, those white little orbs of emotion. I saw those eyes become rapt with fear. They became wider and wider and wider. I didn’t know eyes could get that large. I saw his last splashes, then his last breaths, then his last moments. I saw him duck under the water and not come back up. I saw him die.

I couldn’t get it out of my head. Every time I closed my eyes I saw his stare, I saw a human being become swallowed by the dark blue sea. Coming back from the beach my parents put me in therapy to help me cope, but it was too late.

The man had glasses and a scruffy beard. His smile was kind, and I could tell that he actually cared. It was warming, and his name was Dr Elliot. “What did you see that day Daniel?” He asked with crossed legs.

I tried to answer, but as I swallowed and thought back, I got distracted by a little glass cup sitting in front of him. It was small and simple, yet it contained just enough water to make me begin to panic. My throat tightened up, my skin crawled with uncomfortable angst. I couldn’t help but imagine that water swallowing me, surrounding me, coming up to my neck and choking me.

I was diagnosed with severe PTSD. Dr Elliot became my permanent therapist. 

As time went on the world only became more hostile towards me. Kids went to the pool, families went on ocean vacations or cruises, and I was drinking water through metal bottles so that I wouldn’t have to see it. But I adapted nonetheless.

The worst was the rain. The rain could break me, and thunderstorms sent me into an animal frenzy. Every time the sky clouded over with gray I got uneasy. I would hurry to my destination, run or drive fast. I had to get away, under shelter. Anything just so that I wouldn't be caught out in the downpour.

I had described rain to Dr Elliot early on as this: It’s as if my fear becomes the world.

As I aged, and as necessity found a home in me, I began to be able to hide it well. My parents moved to Phoenix so that I wouldn’t have to see rain. I got good at using the bathroom and washing up without directly seeing the water. Showers I just used a damp rag which I had a whole ritual for preparing. You’d be surprised how much you can avoid even the most necessary things if you really try. Afterall, what does a man need more than water? I began to form some confidence.

High School was hard. Given that I hadn’t really socialized that much in middle school, I found myself woefully inept at doing much beyond simple hellos. I was by all metrics, a weirdo, but on the brightside – in my mind – people thought that was it. They thought my story was just being a weirdo. No one was able to discern that I was breathtakingly terrified of H2O, and that’s what mattered to me.

College was a bulldozer. At that age I was finally determined to retake my life and venture out more. So I manned up, I manned up and I moved into the dorms without the help of my parents. I moved out to “live on my own.” 

…

“They call me Shrimp.” His name was actually Tyler Larsen. Why he was called Shrimp and who the they were that named him, no idea, but that was Shrimp’s way. He was a small, scruffy and blonde kid, born and raised in the heart of NYC – and he was my roommate.

He reached out for a handshake, smile wild and bright. “You are?”

I reached out to return the shake, a sense of real bravery filling my chest with warmth and excitement. “Daniel.”

“Right Danny boy.” He put his hands on his hips and looked across our jailcell of a dorm room like Mufasa did the great Savanna. “Looks like this here ‘be our stomping grounds for the next two semesters.”

He punched me on the shoulder, leaning in with a wry smile. “Say Danny Boy… You a drinker?”

I wasn’t, but boy was I about to be. Shrimp apparently came from a long line of Scandinavian bar-regulars, and he was on a quest to conquer the campus like it was a Viking invasion. “Come on me boy!” He’d grab me around the neck and yank me out every other night. “Into the darkness we go! Off to new lands!”

I got good at it. The beer, the whiskeys, all the liquid sins that were dark and didn’t look like water. Never anything that looked like water. I became a little bit of a sidekick to the Viking legend that was Shrimp. No one ever questioned why I always carried around my own aluminum bottle to every party. Nor did Shrimp ever question why I always wanted him to fill it up if he could.

That was college! If it was going to rain, no one would question me staying inside. Strange bathroom habits? Who cares, not anyone else's business. I was an adult, and because of that I could hide my secrets like one. I was kicking on all cylinders. Well, that was until she arrived.

“Did you finish the homework?” We weren't lab partners or anything that cheesy, we just happened to be in the same lab class. I was waiting outside of the lecture room for the preceding class to finish when she’d just struck up an unprompted conversation. “The one assigned from last week, did you finish it?”

I was a tad dumbstruck by the sudden social interaction. “Um, the uh… The one from last week?”

“Yes.” She never missed a beat, a titan of a soul. “That’s what I just said.”

“Right.” I looked down, flustered for an answer. 

“Um,” I shook my head until it finally gave me something to work with. “Yeah, yeah I did. Sorry.”

She had tan skin and short, straight black hair. Her eyes were brown and they honestly killed me. I think I’d do anything for those eyes. “My name is Bao.” She reached out a stiff hand. 

“Hey,” I nodded and accepted the shake. “Daniel.”

She looked really deeply at me for a moment, almost a scowl as we shook hands. Finally, after letting go all-too-late, she simply asked. “What’s your number?”

I was in for a world of hurt.

…

“Well?” Her voice was scratchy from the effect of being on speakerphone. “Are you coming?”

I shook my head with nervous dread as I looked at the radar. “I’m sorry I think I just have too much homework.” We’d been dating for four months now, and she had me good, just not as good as the rain. “I have a lot.”

“Too much homework?” She didn’t hide her displeasure, she never hid anything. “For what class?”

I rubbed my temples, summoning up an answer. “Calculus.”

“I’ll help you with it after, back at my place.”

“I need to get it done now, I’m sorry.”

“Fine.” She huffed, angry but not upset. “Well… Please plan to be at my next recital, okay?”

My heart ached, “Alright.”

She hung up, leaving me in a pit of my own self hatred. Naturally that’s right when Shrimp showed up.

“What’s up champ?” He strolled past my side and crashed into a little cheap couch we had in between our beds. “Not heading to Bao’s thing?”

I winced. “No… No, I have homework.”

“Damn.” He cracked a beer from the fridge. “Shame.”

“Yeah,” I sighed and settled into the bed a little more, relaxed because I at least wouldn't have to explain anything to Shrimp.

“What’s with you and the rain man?”

“What!?”

“You just never leave the apartment when it's raining.”

 I shot up from my bed and stared at him, “I-I… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He glared at me for a long, silent moment. In that instant I saw in him a depth that I’d totally missed, or maybe avoided, for all of this time. He casually sipped his beer. “You okay bro?” 

“I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

I shook my head and felt my cheeks start to flush. I didn’t know what to do, emotions began to wash over me. “I said I’m fucking fine man.”

He put up a defensive palm, “Alright cool, that’s cool.” He took another sip, carefully spacing out the timing of his statements. “Thought you’d spend the night with Bao tonight is all. Got a party planned for the dorm.”

“A party? Here?” My voice was wild. “Are you kidding?”

He shrugged, “Not our first.”

“But now?”

His head arced back to look through the blinds outside. “Well… If you tell me what’s with you and the fucking rai–”

“The party is fine.” My breath was quick. “I’ll just study from my bed.”

Again he just shrugged, not a care in the world beyond what was happening in the very moment. “Cool by me.”

Like I should’ve known, the night got a little out of hand.

I tried to study for a while, but one beer, two beers, next thing you know I was in the thick of it. I was chatting, I was dancing, we were all laughing. Shrimp came up and put an arm around me as we talked to some random people.

“This guy.” He patted my chest with his drink hand, spilling whiskey on my shirt. “This guy is a fucking tank!”

I smiled and dizzily nodded, “I’m a fucking tank.”

One of the girls in front of us smirked, “A tank yeah?” She took off her backpack and brought out a bottle. “Does the tank want to do shots?”

“Naturally!” I could do shots no problem, me and tequila had a great working relationship. 

“Alright.” She stole a small shot glass from a nearby counter top and came close. “Are you good at Vodka?”

“I’m good at–”My heart sank. I didn’t look directly at her, but I could hear the liquor being poured.

“Here.” 

“Actually.” I put up a hand. “Clear liquors make me sick.”

That was the ruse I’d always pulled, and up until now it’d worked like a charm.

“Oh?” I heard the sarcasm in her voice. “Even the tank?”

“Yeah!” Shrimp jumped in front of my view. I could see in his eyes that the alcohol had carried away the sensitive parts of him. He was in, as he put it, Viking mode now. “Come on ole Danny! Just a quick swig!”

My chest tightened up just at the thought. I tried to tilt my head over to peek at it, yet as soon as I saw that clear, pungent liquid swirling around in the shot glass – I wanted to puke. “No.” I began to enclose myself. “No I won’t.”

From outside the rain was getting heavier, and it made a dull roar in our small dorm party. I closed my eyes tight and continued to fight, “I won’t do it.”

“Come on!” She joked and moved it closer to my mouth. “Don’t be such a bitch!”

There I saw it all, I saw the whole shot. I backed away in horror, face running red and nerves alive in a panic. The rain from outside had increased and become so loud that I couldn’t hear my own voice. I couldn’t hear anything except the damn rain.

I panicked, “No! No just fuck off!”

Suddenly the party halted, everyone froze and held their breaths. All at once it became quite obvious that this reaction was more than just your typical sensitive belly. The woman lowered the glass, “Sorry.” She sounded confused and defeated. “I didn’t mean to… Like offend you or anything.”

Shrimp put a gentle hand on my shoulder, “Man, is everything okay?”

It was spinning, all spinning out of control. This little life that I had crafted, this perfect piece of normalcy that was finally mine, it was all falling away. Right before my eyes I was returning to being thought of as strange, or as weird. My protective web was disintegrating. 

I couldn’t help it. I tore away from the crowd and ran out of the dorm room. I ran away, down back towards the lobby and into the common area, just anywhere not by them. I just had to get away, get to a place where I wouldn’t see–

“Bao?”

She was standing in front of the building door. Faintly I could hear the rain from behind it. She was sopping wet, carrying her violin case beside her. Her voice was quiet. “I did really good.” 

“I-I…” My eyes didn’t stop focusing on the little water droplets streaming off from her hair. I lost my voice to mumbles amidst the chaos of my own fears. “I... Um-it’s….”

I was standing in front of her like an exposed criminal. I’d obviously been drinking, alcohol stains covered my shirt, and my face was red with both liquor and emotion. I did not look like a man who’d been studying calculus all night. 

“I’d heard you all were having a party.” I’d never heard her tone so soft. She batted her eyes, lips quivering as she spoke. “I guess I was just curious you know. I guess I just wanted to stop by and see for myself.”

“No this… Thi–”

“I don’t have a lot of people that care about me.” Her voice broke. “And I just – I just needed you to do it only for a little bit. That was all. Just for a bit for me, so that I would know what it was like.”

I was shattered. The atoms of my soul ripped away from my flesh and I became a husk of a man, watching the woman I love break down in tears because of my childish lies. 

I locked eyes with her and got lost. I watched as those blue, lovely pearls of the soul broke down. Those beacons of a human that I was working so hard to earn, I watched them cry. I watched them produce a glistening, clear liquid that streamed down her perfect face and ended up dangling from her chin. I watched her eyes become welled up, surrounded and drowned out by this liquid, covered to the point of obstruction – yet, through the haze, her eyes shone with a strength that refused to sink, unbroken and defiant against the tides.

“I don’t need this.” She blinked away the tears with a grace beyond testimony. “Goodbye Daniel.”

She turned and stormed back out of the door, straight into the pouring rain and away from me. She left me alone with the image of her eyes, the image of her soul drowning, and the image of her mustering through it.

I ran after her.

I ran into the rain, out into the torrential downpour of water. It terrified me, the noise, the feeling, the sight, all of it attacked me. My senses overloaded, my mind became numb, my thoughts clouded over and drowned out with fear. All I could do was stumble out, hit my hands and knees after a few bounds, and call to her.

“Bao!” I was suffocated. “Bao I’m afraid of water! I’m sorry! I saw a man drown! I’m sorry Bao!”

I looked down at my hands and saw them covered in water, sinking into the asphalt as the rain heightened. I shook with horror. Every blink I saw the eyes of the drowned man from my childhood, every blink those white balls of terror corrupted me. I saw his arms flap, I heard his lungs gasp for air. I started to hyperventilate, all I could see where his eyes, his awful eyes and–

Her eyes. She was kneeling down beside me, cupping my face in between her hands and lifting it up to see hers. I saw her eyes in the rain, her eyes through it all. 

“What did you say?”

I was crying, “I saw a man drown when I was a kid. I’m terrified of water. I can’t take it, I can’t even drink from a glass because it's so bad. I have to use a water bottle. I'm sorry, I’m sorry for not showing up Bao. I care! I really do, I swear!”  

Her hands tightened on my face. Through the downpour I watched as she softened. “I love you.” She cut through the sound of the storm like a crack of lightning. “It’s okay Daniel, it’s alright.”

I saw the tears go down her face, I saw them merge with the falling raindrops and cascade off her. I saw them tumble down into the earth and join into the water surrounding us. 

I looked at her and I leaned up from the water. I grabbed her face back and I stared into her eyes, waiting for the next tear, waiting for the next moment. When it arrived, when it graced the world and joined the rain, I kissed her. I kissed her and I forgot about that rain, for in that moment:

My fear became my love, and my love became the world.