She & I

It’s been four years since I saw her or rather I ran away from her. Nah, that’s not true either I ignored her because of him, that guy she was in love with. I didn’t even remember his name, this is not true either, I remember his name, but I don’t want to think of his name. I can’t take all the blame for the communication break between us though, because it’s true that I left all the social media and changed my number, all this is my doing. But, this is a big BUT because she knew my house, she could’ve visited once in the four years, but she never tried. That’s what I did when we had a fight between us when she and I were fifteen. I went to her house risking falling in the eyes of her father who was so religiously driven that he would have converted me to Christianity for being her friend. Anyway, the point is I tried and she didn’t and that’s hurt me more than anything. 

Now, after four years I met her a few hours ago for a photo shoot that my boss forced me to do; not because I looked like a model, but because they didn’t have any budget to hire a model. I came in my costume and saw two people setting the lights. I casually started chatting with them to control my nerves. Yes, I was nervous. Because I stopped taking pictures after I and she… you know… she was a photographer… and I didn’t want to… it was lame, I agree but at the time it felt fair. So, yeah I started chatting with the two people setting the lights, one on my left and one on my right. That’s when I heard my name called out like the way she used to call me, the only time I felt I had a good name is when she called me by my name. I didn’t turn for I wasn’t sure whether I am hallucinating or something and the sound of my name came a little louder this time from my back. I knew it was her, both the lightmen turned on the lights and my body turned away in reflex to the sudden bright light in the eyes and saw her in all her glory. A camera in one hand and the other hand on her hip, her eyebrows went up in unison and a smile spread over her face and the mole on the right side of her upper lip shined liked a … like… pearl…uh, pearls are white, right… God, am I bad at this… It is beautiful and let’s leave it at that. I couldn’t help but love her at that moment. All the anger that I manufactured over the years wasn’t able to withstand my love towards her. I smiled in return. 

***

We both sat in the office cafeteria after the photoshoot. “Have you changed your phone number?” she asked taking a sip from the coffee cup. “Yes, I lost my old phone… so, I lost all my social media because of that…” I lied. 

I lie daily. I can be called a compulsive liar. A partial reason for this was an incident that happened before I met her. I participated in a stage play in school and a stranger who at the time said he worked for a director and wanted to cast me in a major motion picture for the protagonist’s childhood portions. My mother and I were over cloud nine when we got this offer but my father was reluctant. My mother who was an obedient wife and never spoke anything opposing my father’s beliefs went out of her way and convinced my father. But as it happens the guy who offered me the role was a child smuggler, he got arrested and this news made its way to the newspaper and from there it made its way into my life and crushed my freedom single-handedly. My father decided to never listen to my mother ever again, my mother lost the little freedom she had and I lost any say in things I wanted in life. This led to me blatantly lying even about the smallest things. But again I can’t paint the entire blame on my father because I choose to lie. 

Silence spread between us and to break that I found only one way, I had to ask about him. My archenemy, her lover and I asked trying to maintain a friendly smile on my face the whole time. 

“What about the love of your life? When are guying going to marry?” 

The silence between us so far transformed into tension and I thought I messed up badly. A fake grin spread on her face and she said “uh, we are not together anymore.”

I tried very hard to control my joy at her breaking up with him, but I couldn’t and she saw it. She shook her head and laughed with me and the people in the cafeteria gave us weird looks.

We were teenagers again. We travelled in buses without tickets, ate food and sneaked out without paying the bills, walked for hours on end, and laughed. We felt complete with each other or at least I did. I can’t speak for her. But I got to be careful not to build any expectations on this relationship… I just…I don’t want to go through the period of my life when I was away from her. I just couldn’t risk our relationship right now. I would be happy if we die as what we are right now than die thinking about the things I could have done differently to maintain our relationship. It’s complicated.

***

It’s my birthday tomorrow and this is my first birthday after she and I… u know…rekindled our relationship. I trained myself so hard for the past year since we met again not to get excited and it started paying off. For example, my boss selected some other member of my team at the last minute to attend a seminar in the United States. And let me tell you, I am obsessed with going to the United States, don’t know why. Maybe the thought that things will be different there away from my family and I don’t have to lie anymore. I don’t exactly point a finger at it. But when I got a chance, I took it and prepared for the seminar day and night until I thought it reached perfection. And there is no seminar anymore or going to the United States, the older me would’ve just lost it, and I would’ve been so upset with my boss, team and life in general. But I was surprised at my reaction when my boss called me to his cabin to deliver this news and I went “Well, Not a problem sir, I will stay back.” And I just didn’t feel anything, I was cool. 

She was more upset than me when I told her this news and for some odd reason, I found it adorable. 

We drove around the city eating shawarmas, and chatting about random things that weirdly bought us joy. She bought the car to a halt and I looked to my left and found were at the back of our school, the place where we used to hang out after school hours. The place didn’t change at all, as if it was kept in a time capsule. We got out of the car and sat on the trunk, she still eating her way through the shawarma and me cherishing, just looking at the way she eats like it was no tomorrow. She looked up and said “what?” 

“Nothing,” I said with a slight grin on my face. 

“I like shawarma.” 

“Yeah, you do.” 

This moment, I want to put in a time capsule, this same childishness, this calmness… this completeness I feel when I am with her. I want it for life. Should I tell her… the cool wind of the winter passed over us. She and I looked at the clear sky hidden behind a thin layer of clouds and the light that came from the moon… it feels ethereal. 

We sat in silence for hours and with every increasing minute, the urge to tell her what I feel rose and along with it also rose the fear of losing her… again… maybe permanently this time. 

“Should I tell you something, if you don’t mind?” she said still looking at the sky but the moon is out of the shadow of the cloud and a few stars twinkled here and there.

“Hmm,” I said.

“I haven’t thought I would be out of my past relationship this soon.” 

I felt a slight unease at the mention of this at this moment but I didn’t show it. 

“Please don’t think I am comparing, but I was never this happy when I was with my…” she stopped.

“Mee too.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I thought you were happy.” 

She looked at me and I felt her but I didn’t look at her. I took a few seconds… calmed myself… and looked at her.

She cupped my face with her palms they felt so warm in this rather cold weather that I didn’t want her to ever stop it. I smiled, and she shifted a little and faced me. The cold wind stopped all of a sudden, and there was pin-drop silence around us. The moon went behind the clouds as if providing us with privacy in our most intimate time. I opened my mouth to say… and came forward and kissed. The alarm on her phone went and she said still holding my face in her hand “Happy Birthday.” 

She & I lived happily ever after.