Ready

I bit Mateo’s neck lightly and could feel his pulse with my tongue. My nose wandered up to graze the outside of his ear. His shampoo smelled like the woods behind our condo after a rainstorm. 

He turned his head to meet my lips. We languished like this for longer than I could afford to. My bus would come at seven-thirty-eight. I didn’t check the time but my internal alarm was already going off. 

He seemed to be thinking the same. He broke free from my lips long enough to say, 

“You have to be in at eight-thirty?”

My answer was as close to words as I could get,

“Mm-hm.”

He lifted himself off of me all too suddenly and was standing before I could pull him back. 

“We’ll pick up this conversation when you get home, then.” He said with a cheeky smile. Lighting ignited a nerve between my legs. Everything in me said to pull him back. 

“We have some time,” I crooned. Now I was crawling to the edge of the bed. I smiled at how my wavy hair cooperated and fell around my face all at once. It didn’t hurt that I was completely naked, either.  

He took a step toward me. It was all I needed. I stretched out my arms and leaned toward him, letting most of my weight leave the bed. He stooped to catch me, throwing his arms around my body. A glaring smile replaced the shock on his face and he pulled me up to a standing position. 

In a moment, his mouth was on mine again. I pulled him toward me, letting us fall back onto the bed. Already dressed for the office, I undid his belt and tore his pants down the best I could from underneath him. He positioned himself to start but then froze. 

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I--”

“What?”

“I don’t want to stop, but this feels wrong.”

“What do you mean? Trust me, I want this.” I told him and sat up a bit to put one hand on his shoulder, the other around his cock. It stiffened between my fingers. 

“You’ve been seriously horny for the last, like, ten days.” He said, a bit breathlessly.

“So?”

“You hate having sex in the morning.”

“I used to, yeah.”

He leaned back on his heels and my hands slipped off of him. 

“Mari, if you’re trying to get pregnant again, I need to know that. Have you been taking your birth control?”

I couldn’t lie to him, but didn’t need to say ‘no’ for him to understand. I watched him read my face. His own pulled together in a tight mask.

I’d seen him wear that expression when he had yelled at the driver who’d hit us from behind a year ago, leaving me with a concussion. It was also how his face had turned when his mama mentioned I dressed like a slut when we were all having dinner. After a fight with Mateo in the next room, she had apologized immediately. But I had never been the target of this expression. I didn’t know what to expect. Would he start yelling at me too? 

Mateo turned abruptly and left the condo. I sat, stunned, until a notification lit up my phone and showed me the time. Seven-fifty-two. I had missed the bus. It would take forty minutes to get to work. I threw on the clothes I’d laid out last night, opened Uber on my phone and flew out the door. 

On the ride home from work, I imagined all the beginnings of the fight he and I would inevitably have. He’d had all day to come up with the perfect lines. I didn’t know what I was going to say or how I was going to explain. The entire ride home, all my brain could come up with was, 

“I’m sorry, Mateo.” Some apology that would make. 

When I opened the front door I saw the back of his head from the living room couch. It occurred to me that he could have left entirely for the rest of the day. Relief poured into me that he was still here.

I put my bag on the kitchen counter and meandered to the couch. He looked up when I came into his sight. Miraculously, his arm stretched out, making a place for me underneath it. I curled into the space and lay my cheek on his shoulder. His chest was warm under his Seahawks jersey. A faint smell of sweat hovered on his skin. I almost got up to turn on the fan in the corner of the room, but stayed because I wanted his arm around my shoulders more than I cared whether he was comfortable.

“I’m sorry.” I murmured. “I’m sorry I’m selfish.”

It was a long time before he answered. Long enough for my imagination to convince me he was furious. But when he spoke, his voice was calm. 

“You don’t think I know you’re selfish?”

Years of experience had taught me how to handle these (his favorite kind of) questions. I reached up to flick him in the forehead. He caught my fingers before I could and was gripping too tightly for me to reclaim my hand. A familiar mix of amusement and frustration made me very aware that my armpit was exposed and that I was pitifully ticklish. 

“Don’t,” I warned. 

His free hand moved toward my armpit. I tried to twist my other arm to stop him but it was trapped between my body and his. I couldn’t help letting out a frustrated squeal. At this, he lowered his hand and let go of mine. 

“Asshole,” I tossed at him.

“You deserved it.”

I jabbed my elbow lightly into his stomach. 

Another one of Bellingham’s cloudy evenings concealed the sunset and the living room was dark before I even realized the time. 

Mateo began talking and his voice sent vibrations through his body. I felt them through one ear and heard what he said with the other,

“Ok, it’s halftime. You gotta tell me why you didn’t trust me enough to tell me what you really wanted.” 

I wanted to make him promise he wouldn’t get mad, but realized that wasn’t fair. If he did, it was just him being honest. It was only when I let my words go that I realized they felt like birds that had been struggling to get free.

“I didn’t trust that you’d understand how much I need to...I didn’t know my body could feel empty until I lost her.”

Uninvited tears started running down my cheek. They made his jersey wet. I waited till they stopped before continuing. He waited with me. “I need to come back from that.” I whispered. “I don’t know how else to fix this. This is a stupid way to do it but it’s the only way that makes sense to me so I thought if you figured out how stupid it is, you wouldn’t be in on it with me. I thought you might stop me. And trap me in...this--shit show.” 

I felt his lips come together on the top of my head. 

“The only thing I’ll ever trap you in is diaper duty, cause I am not about to get shit on my hands.

A snort of laughter erupted from my throat. I kissed him deeply and then wildly. I went for his belt but this time he beat me to it.