I am here to see you

"We are running out of time! Your father is here for a very short time. He just wanted to drop your gifts for Christmas." Alusua said to her high strung daughter.

"Can he tell that I am here? He didn't ask for me. I think he was here to see you mom." Egg said frowning with a very distorted mind high strung on drugs.

"Oh stop it! Stop it please just stop saying that. You know how much your dad loves you."Alusua said on the verge of tears. Seeing him again, was not so hot anymore.It brought a lot of pain to her. He never broke off a relationship that she found him occupied with. He backslided while she was pregnant with Egg and never bothered to apologize or to explain why. He one day in he midst of an argument got up and threw a glass on the wall and said. " I am tired of you. I am tired of this house. I am tired of your dogs and your cats. I hate your clothes and I hate this room." He said and stormed out with a bag full of his work shirts and trousers. He dumped his belongings at the back of his station wagon and opened the trunk as if he forgot to bring his ice pick to trounce her with. What he actually was doing was organizing and making room in the trunk for more of his belongings which he had suddenly decided to take with him. Eying the house that he was so full of anger and hatred towards, he walked slowly as if resenting each and every step he took towards her.

She stoically stood looking with both her hands clasped together as if to remind herself to remain quiet and safe. She was not in a good mood but she also could have shed some tears, but she didn't. When he re-entered the living room, she stepped aside clear of his path. He packed his shoes and what he thought was important to him, his memos and many other documents that he needed for work. He kept eyeing the door of their bedroom as if afraid that he would soon become a caged hen if she so chose to approach him. And that was not going to happen. As hurt as she was by the fact the he went back to 'her', she was not in the mood to play games with him. Besides she deemed him dangerous. How could he stay with her, marry her, have a kid with her, if deep down he was sure that he would return to "her"? It was unethical of him to have made such a choice. It was not even a confession but a very elaborate set of circumstances which culminated in her finding that ominous hotel receipt with "her" name on it. A souverneiner of some sort. We did it again and again. What do you have to say about that Miss?

A lady by birth she did not want to intrude or ask for too much. In fact she wanted to be left alone and have a chance to take care of her daughter and what was left of her life. Her mom comforted her and told her not to argue with a man who had a support system that she lacked. And she didn't. It helped her enormously. A huge part of her believed that he was using her to settle scores with "her", the now wife, the current Mrs. His wife. What good will crying, yelling and screaming do for her? Nothing. Nothing so far.

He exited the driveway as though he was a cable guy done with his work in the house.

Her daughter was not so young and she was grateful that she was able to return to work and had no problems with her insurance carrier. Her house was an inheritance from her parents who had long left and found a better life in a better part of life with adults their age. Her only worry was a nanny who would steal some of her time with her daughter. Never again would she have a full life with friends and family. A gone man is a shame to a woman of her stature. It implied failure on her part. Nothing about her qualifications for her job and gym membership marked failure. As a result she chose to keep his disappearance a secret. No one would know unless it was desperately necessary and unavoidable. Time runs fast when one is lonely and busy. Her daughter became older and at middle school he decided to show up once again. It was not clear what prompted the visit because he in fact was happily married to "her".

"Hi Alusua, I thought I could stop by and see the baby. I bet she is a little girl now! I know I should have called. I didn't want to give you a chance to refuse and say that I couldn't see her." he said.

"Guess what. I doesn't matter to me. She didn't even know that you could visit her. She never forgot you though." Alusua said.

"Well I am here today. I saved all of her child support and I wanted to give it to her myself in lump sum. I wonder if she will know what it means to have so much money at her age. You can give it to her now or save it for college I don't care. I am just proud to have been able to save this money for her." he said.

"Let me check if she is up to seeing you. She watches a lot of tv. So don't be disappointed if she is not that enthusiastic. Kids move on much more effectively than us adults." Alusua said suddenly realizing that no money can take her part in her daughter's life. She was there and he wasn't. No hope necessary. He probably was having the blues and was hoping that she was still keeping the light on for him because of how he left: "I hate this room, meaning their bedroom then, those words echoed in her mind like a confirmation that it couldn't happen to her again. Not with him, not with him ever again!

She stood up sure of herself. Shoulders square, face deadpan, and she walked to the room where her daughter sat on the floor and watched tv. She asked her to meet her dad. They had discussed such a scenario of her dad returning they rehearsed what she would say and how she would behave. She was thoughrougly cleansed of any attachments that broken kids who are left by their parents or one of their parents usually felt.

"Egg, honey, guess what dad is here." Alusua said.

Dad in such a family is the name of the male figure who choses to love his kids and stays with them, sometimes he is the natural father, sometimes he is not. Some of these dads leave the family, like Egg's dad did.

"Dad? Did he call? Did you know he was coming to see us?" Alusua said.

"No, he just showed up. I opened the door and there he was with a grin on his face. The same old cliche of a man gone and returning from the dead to pick up where he left off." Alusua said without emotion.

"What does he want?" Egg asked.

"He wants to see you. He has been gone for too long. He must have forgotten what you look like. Don't disappoint him. Be nice and be well mannered." Alusua said.

"Okay mom. Let's go. "We are , We are, one We are one!" Egg said as she held on to her mother's hand. A chant that she recited whenever she felt insecure.

""We are one Egg!" her mother always responded and laughed whenever she said that to her.

They walked hand in hand to the living room and found him standing and gazing through the curtains in the large window which eyed the main road. He turned around and looked stunned as if he did not recognize his daughter. He glanced at Alusua with shame on his face or was it irritation. It was tough to tell. He opened his arms wide, and lowered his body to match her height.

"Hey baby Egg. You are so tall! You have grown so much since I last saw you. How have you been? I want to hug you. Can I hug you. Is it okay even to shake your hand I would love that very much." he said suddenly letting go of all the shame that he felt about them and the guilt of leaving her. She looked wonderful and well taken care of. Plus her mom looked even better. He was sort of taken aback by their bond as they both walked hand in hand. What was missing?

He was missing his wife and his family. He did not belong where he was. He had made a mistake!

"Yes dad, you can hug me. I guess!" Egg said neither happy nor sad. With such a man it was a crime to have expectations and besides, no-one knew how he grew his mustache. Why he had changed his style of clothes and his mannerism. She only knew him when he was younger and eager to please. He by then was much older and desired to be wanted and hugged by a daughter that he left behind many years ago, but not at the expense of his new family.

"How have you been. Let's sit down and talk. Where have you been all of my life. He said laughing at his own joke." he asked.

"Well let's see. I finished Kindergarten, I am in high school now. We were going to move to another house but mom found some Art hidden in the walls in the basement and decided that we should stay. She thinks that it will fetch tons of money for us in the future. Yet she refuses to have it appraised. So the basement is off limits no-one goes there. We no longer do our laundry in the basement. Oh I had a dog when I started middle school. My dog was run over by some crazy driver who refused to pay us. My dog lingered for a bit and later died. I was ordered by a vet to see a Psychiatrist because I spoke to my dead dog in third person. She thought that I was just as dying as my dog was. There we found out that it is okay for you to be gone. So mom stopped selling the house and I grew older and joined a dance troupe in the neighborhood. I had a boyfriend and he kissed my friend and I decided to focus on high school. My mom is sad and might commit suicide anytime. But she keeps hoping to get better. All of her friends abandoned her. She is doing better now. You see she looks great. She is off sugar and won't eat anything that weighs more than a pound that's why she is so thin!" Egg said.

"I am flabbergasted at how well you all took this." he said ignoring the lengthy list of grievances of what he left behind.

Alusua walked to the kitchen and reappeared with two bottles of ice cold water and two glasses and offered him water. He promptly opened the bottle and drank his water out of it. He looked at his watch and stuttered about being late for something. Egg noticing his discomfort, got up and cleared his empty bottle and took the glasses to the kitchen hoping to give them privacy.

"Well I did good with her right?" Alusua said surprised that she needed reassurance from "him"

"Yes, you did. I should have taken her with me." he said carelessly not caring that he was being vindictive and mean.

"Wow, I don't think I deserve that. I also don't think Egg deserves that even as a memory or as a term of endearment." Alusua said.

That took them back to their days together and both knew that the meeting was over they were treading on dangerous ground.

"Egg, I saved a lot of money for you. Child support! I also have a lot of love for you. I never forgot you ever. I am happy I am not going to lie to you and your mom about that. I hope you are happy too. One day when you are as happy as I am, I hope to be part of your both of your lives separately or together. I have to rush home. I will see you at Christmas. I will drop your gifts. We are flying overseas for Christmas this year. Bye guys it was nice seeing both of you again." he said and left.

Both stood shaking from the experience. An experience that they had rehearsed so many times. It was surprising to see him again and it did hurt Alusua a little bit. It was an ending, a confirmation of a sincere failure. By the time he turned up to drop their Christmas gifts, they were more than damaged. What was therapy had turned into doing drugs for Egg. Having postponed her painful feelings of being discarded by man who did not give her a chance to judge him as her parent, made her feel like a failure. Alusua was sad that she lost many years of her life even though she enjoyed raising her daughter, a lot of who she was died with he left her with a daughter that she did not plan to raise by herself. She was not even aware that Egg was doing drugs. So when he parked his car at the end of the driveway and rushed to drop the gifts it was an illusive vision for her. She did not give him a chance to reject her again because his stopping by her home was a confirmation that the rejection mustn't go stale. It was Christmas season and they were not flying anywhere but they did plan to go to the mall! Something that they had not done since he left them!