Enough...

1. Write about someone who’s so obsessed with a goal that it leads to the destruction of their closest relationship.

I  was trying to go to sleep, but something kept nagging me about this pandemic and how it was Enough. This is my experience, but feel free to share yours. For me, it is no matter how carefully I budget my food, right down to the last carrot and rice packet, after not working for so long...I am never full enough. And no matter how carefully I budget my medications, and Lord knows I can't afford to get drunk enough...I can never feel truly good enough. Not to mention, no matter how carefully I budget my gas, and no matter where I go and how many layers and blankets I pile on...I can never feel warm enough. And the guilt, when I spend my few pennies at a shop and see a homeless man freezing outside, the normal me would buy him a meal...and I don't do enough. And I think of the rise of 30% mental illness, and I feel my own ebbing away from staring at the same four walls...and I feel that huge restraint from having been a free person before...that we cannot do enough. Then I think of people I know; Good, hard working people I know that are pub owners, hairdressers, taxi drivers, small business owners; all that chose a career with a living wage, and even did everything the government told them during this pandemic...and that still wasn't enough. I think of how adaptable I have been willing to be, how much more education and training I have been undertaking, how versatile I can be...and to make a living with bills over head that still isn't enough. I think with heavy eyelids on a rare night that I have had enough food and heat, but I can't put my mind at rest, because I have starved and frozen to survive, and just plain surviving is not enough. And I think of all of you out there, suffering your own story, and I certainly think that is enough. In light of the Christmas season in which, as a mother, I am only make homemade gifts and write apologies, and I cannot even afford the postage to send them...as a younger me would do without to make Christmas magical, and I feel like the worst parent in the world because I can not now, I think of many of you in the same boat that cannot do enough. And I think to myself...when is Enough just plain Enough. 

The only thing worse than a pandemic is being stuck in another country in a pandemic. At least the close proximity of loved ones and a support bubble can make all the difference in the world. Ann was beautiful, smart and cultured. She was American, but was such an Anglophile she considered herself to be British. Indeed, her family had been English eight centuries, once one of the wealthiest and more powerful families in Great Britain, and that was a calling card for Ann. She had traveled back and forth across the pond many times, built a business there, went to school there, raised kids part of the time there. So, when the opportunity came to work at her ancestral estate for a while, she jumped on it. The job was just volunteering, so she had enough money for about six months and figured she could easily get a job either there or somewhere else. But a world-wide lock-down was something she didn’t expect. Nor did she expect to meet Charles, a charming farmer for the estate. The plans to stay came quickly, but progress in doing so in a lockdown came slow…

Ann had survived plenty in her life. Now that the kids were grown and gone, she wanted to live life. She had nearly bought her ancestral estate 20 years ago, to have an old eccentric buy it instead. The thing was, he was old and Ann was not, so the gentleman died and the house became part of a Trust. Her younger daughter always kept an eye on it. So, after deciding to retire early, Ann found out that the house was now open to the public and needed all the help it could get. Ann jumped on it, left a difficult relationship and even her beloved cat, figuring since her prior visa was lost, she only had six months to figure out her next move in life. It bought her time. She thought for sure with her family connections and experience, they would hire her, but they considered it a detriment and wanted to have people that were neutral. Still, she worked hard, helping to cater for events, clean and serve tea, help with art in the gardens...you name it. 

In the local church, since her surname matched the name of the village, ladies got interested in her. She made friends with one called Edith, who wanted to talk about Ann’s pedigree and background. Edith invited Ann to dinner one night with some locals, for what Ann thought would be a history lesson; she packed her pedigree and papers for discussion. But when she got there, she realized it was more casual than a lecture plan. Suddenly, a young man appeared...Ann thought it was just church ladies. Charles was a farmer, recently separated and going through a divorce. Charles’ former wife was a shrill contrast to Ann’s softness, although she had a steel backbone and was strong under all the femininity and old world ways. There were instant sparks between Charles and Ann! He was generally shy, but they were practically feeding each other during the meal courses! The beer Ann used to import was made in the Power House of the estate, which as it turned out, flanked Charles’ property. He wanted to take her to see it...but he was the only ride for all the ladies, the older ones who were now too tipsy to drive. He nearly left them in the parking lot that night! So, quiet, unassuming Charles showed Ann the Power House...in fact he showed it to her eight times!

They fell immediately in love, or at least Ann thought. It was getting to be Christmas season, and it was so much more fun doing festive things together than being in a strange country alone, although she had made friends and acquaintances along the way. They were together all the time. But, Charles had a habit of freaking out about commitment. He freaked out quite a few times, breaking Ann’s heart and leaving her all alone for weeks at a time. She was devastated, but she had a firm belief that the love they shared was real. She also thought that him going through the divorce warranted him time, so she was patient...a virtue she didn’t think she possessed. Due to a bad housing situation, Ann had to move in February. She used to work for a beauty agency in London, they booked her up with work, so she figured the cost of moving would be augmented with work salary. She was wrong. Little did she know that there would be a worldwide pandemic! And at the beginning of it, she caught Covid and nearly died; this at one of the times Charles was freaking out and leaving her alone. All she could do was heal. He came back around and she got healthy again. Trying to court in a pandemic when you can’t date properly is a challenge. All summer, they had a great time. Ann would turn her deck into an outdoor bistro, or turn her hallways into a bar. She cooked great meals and wore date dresses. She really and truly thought they would get married. In fact, one time she asked Charles about a resort in warmer weather, and he said if she could make a wedding happen there, then do it. He also asked her what kind of rings she liked. She started making plans. As there was lockdown, she made everything...seemed like a good thing to do. 

The other issue was the visa. Ann had a permanent one before, but she couldn’t produce it. The Home Office and the Council were closed, so Ann spent 40 hours up to 80 some weeks trying to sort her visa and life there. It was like jumping through hoops on fire as well as underwater most days. Because of the lock-down, she hadn’t been able to sort her utilities, a bank account or secure another job. Her finances depleted. Charles took her to some of her visa appointments, applauded her when she passed her Life in the UK test, went with her to one visa appointment wherein she was copying documents, including a professional picture of the two of them together. He didn’t question it at the time. The kind of visa she was getting was based on private life, and the 20 years of spending time here as well as meeting someone made Ann feel certain the rest of her life would be spent in England, living on the farm with the love of her life. Of this she was certain…

Her savings had dwindled, so visa and money issues played hard on her towards the end of summer. By Autumn, if she could afford to pay her rent her bank balance went down to $1.59. She was working and training for jobs to the ancestral estate, she was doing extra training online, and had submitted everything for the visa. When it came time for the biometrics and to actually submit the paperwork, all the problems Ann worried about during the course, which had made her nearly obsessed with it, the one thing she never thought would be an obstacle happened. Charles. He freaked out, said he didn’t want to be in a serious relationship, that he couldn’t believe he was on the visa, and refused to sign the simple form stating that they were together! Her friends told her, everyone knows you have to sign for a person, men told her if they were lucky enough to have her they would sign the papers. She had been mostly staying at Charles, taking care of the house, cooking and cleaning and in general being there for him. They had just bought groceries together for the week, her planning the meals, and he freaked out. He took her back to her flat, where she froze and starved because she had brought all her food and spent all her money on him and their life there. In the back of her mind, she was thinking; she wanted the visa more than him, she had to get it, and now she was in danger with nowhere to go. Lockdown eased for a while, she could see her friends, and they said get rid of him for being so awful to her as she kept bursting into tears at work. 

Later she thought, was she too pushy, was she sabotaging the relationship for the visa? Still, rules are rules, and Charles picked and chose which ones he wanted to obey, as households had limits on contact and couples were encouraged to co-habitate. She apologized for being pushy. Still, the utter betrayal she felt, the kicked in the gut feeling, the sheer blindsiding of it all hit her hard. Once again, she was struggling worse than ever; the loneliness, the hunger, freezing, unable to go anywhere or pay a bill, in a country where she had few rights. When is enough suffering enough? He gradually came around. She thought he loved her, yet he never said it...her best friend warned her. But the love they shared was real...only time would tell. Did she nearly destroy the most important relationship for the thing she needed most, even though it benefited them both? Only time will tell.