Keeping Sadie Allard

There are two things that Parker Caddel was terrible at: plotting and confrontation. If his life was as easy as outlining all of the scenes that would play out, then maybe he wouldn’t have been so stunned when his ex-girlfriend, Sadie Allard, invited him for her annual tea party.

As the president of the writing committee of their university, she hosts the event every winter. During the last year’s, they were inseparable. It was either her arm around his waist or his around hers for the entire two hours. Now, with a separation of six months behind them, there’s no other option but for them to stand feet apart. 

On the same afternoon that he was given the invitation, Parker laid back on the sofa in his dorm room and painted the ceiling in the images of him and her still hooked around each other for hours.

He rolled through the flashbacks of any calamities of their two-year relationship. There had to be something that would make his feelings for her recoil. None. There were literally none. Because even arguing with Sadie was a blessing.

When the door bursted open, Parker jerked upward. But it was too late--his roommate, Dean, had already caught him. “Daydreaming again?”

“More like contemplating,” Parker groaned. He swung his feet to the floor and rose up, his back screaming from the effects of the unsupported cushion. Without saying anything, he stalked toward Dean and thrusted his cellphone toward him.

Dean frowned and glanced down at it. “What’s this?”

“Sadie’s inviting me to the tea party.”

Dean’s face contorted into a mosaic of emotions. He flipped between amusement to feigning guilt, then back to amusement. He cracked a big smile. “This is perfect, Parker. Go and tell her how you really feel.”

“No,” Parker said, slack-faced.

“I’m sorry, did you two not spend, like, years of your life together?” He stepped toward his bedroom while Parker trailed on his heels. After he tossed his backpack onto his bed, he turned back to his miffed roommate. “Just talk to her. You act like she’s a stranger.”

Parker mocked offense by holding his hand to his chest. “On the contrary, I think I’m still quite friendly to her.”

“Oh, yeah? Then how about that time in the dining hall when she said hi and you completely ignored her?”

“That was a week after we broke up. Things were different then.”

“My bad,” Dean says. “I meant the time it happened last week. And then the week before. And then--”

“Okay, I get it,” Parker snapped. “It’s just… I can’t be around her. I’m not ready yet.”

Dean nodded slowly. “Word of advice, man--” he gave Parker a friendly clap on the shoulder-- “you’re never gonna be ready.”

***

You’re never gonna be ready. 

That’s the only thing that filtered through Parker’s mind as he was getting ready the following day. This time, it wasn’t for class, nor to meet up with his friends at the dining hall, but to pull through this damn tea party.

While they were dating, he always asked her, “Why tea?” They’re in college, for heaven’s sake. Nobody drinks tea unless you’re some slouched over English major who lived vicariously through the lives of the characters you read about. Which, Parker realized, is what made up the entire body of the writing committee. He stood corrected. 

Parker adjusted the sleeves on his burgundy dress shirt, then the belt that held up his black trousers. His hair was tamed with the gel his mother got him for Christmas last year--in which this is actually the first time he’s ever used it. Was he dressing up excessively for the tea party? Yes. Was he doing it for Sadie? Also yes.

You’re never gonna be ready.

This time, it echoed in his mind louder. A pulse began to throb in his temples as he slammed his jaw tight enough for it to give an audible pop!

Because Parker was never going to be ready, he grabbed his phone and charged out of the door, walked all the way across campus, and made a beeline for the door of Sadie’s dorm. 

And since Parker was never, ever, going to be ready, he already began to spin on his heels and disappear. The steps were relieving under his feet as he finally made it back to the first floor.

A shadow appeared over the concrete before him. The silhouette of Her rested at his feet. He frowned, realizing that the distance between him and her shadow was the closest they’ve ever been in months. 

He heard The Door creak open slowly. He squeezed his eyes shut, whispering, “I’m not ready. I’m not ready. I’m not--”

“Parker?” A familiar voice called from the second floor. “Is that you?”

Time seemed to stop as he slowly revolved to face Her. Sadie stood there at her doorway, the light conversations from the party floating down the staircase and into his ears. She smiled at him sweetly--the kind of smile that made his heart flip a million and one times.

“I don’t know where you’re going, but the party’s up here,” she added. “Come join us. We’re talking about our projects.”

Parker drew in a tight breath. When Sadie tilted her head at him, he felt obligated to take the steps two at a time to meet at her side. He expected something awkward to fall between them when he reached the top. Rather, it was an odd sense of comfort and familiarity.

Scratch that. It was totally awkward, and then totally insufferable. The moment Sadie clasped their hands together, Parker could feel the anxieties that fluttered in his chest. Sadie was right here. With him. For some reason, though, it still felt like they were miles away.

His vision was then blindsided by a familiar pair of bright, blue eyes and a dazzling smile.  “Parker!” 

“Hey, Austin,” Parker greeted flatly. Sadie threw him a thumbs up as Austin plodded toward him and coiled an arm around his shoulders.

 Parker cursed to himself when he was extracted from Sadie’s side and dragged to the living room where other guests were stationed. They all jerked their heads up in response. Some of their jaws dropped. At this moment, Parker wanted to run away.

Of course there would be gossip. The news of their breakup was nothing secret, especially since the people in the writing committee surely love to retell stories that didn’t belong to them. Parker positioned himself at the end of one of the loveseats where two other girls, who he recognized as Sofia and Cassie, began babbling nonsense.

“Oh my gosh, I knew you still liked her!” Cass began. Her teacup was filled to the brim, and with the jerky movements of her hand gestures, would spill on Parker’s pants every so often. “That’s why you’re here, right? To bandage the breakup?”

Bandage it? Parker wanted to completely reverse it.

“Why did you two break up, anyways?” Now, it was Sofia’s turn to interrogate him. She gestured a cup of tea to Parker, who reluctantly accepted it.

Parker sucked in a breath and straightened. He’s still asking himself that question to this day. All he knew is that he never felt like he was enough for Sadie. Insecurities were a bitch for Parker. That’s why as he wrote, he concealed them by conjuring characters with all of the qualities he wished he had. 

Strength. Courage. A girlfriend named Sadie Allard. 

“You have to admit,” Cass whispered to Sofia not-so-secretly, “Sadie Caddel sounds so much better.”

“Sadie. Cass.”

Like two dogs being tempted by a treat, they perked upward at Sadie, who now sat parallel to Parker on the loveseat adjacent to his. She rotated a spoon in her teacup before resting it on the tray on the coffee table. “Sorry about them, Parker. They’re just using you for writing inspo.”

Parker awkwardly chuckled. “I get it. I would too, honestly.”

At that, Sadie perked up a brow. “What does that mean?”

Oh, no. It hasn’t even been five minutes and Parker already ticked her off. “Nothing. It means nothing,” he rushed.

“Did you tell him about the news, Sadie?” Sofia pressed. 

Sadie’s mouth fell open as she fumbled for the right words. She finally gave Parker a humble shrug. In his mind, he already knew what it was going to be.

“I’m dating another man.” 

“I was offered by an agent, that’s all.”

Parker started, resting his elbows on his knees. “What? That’s incredible! Why didn’t you tell me?”

More like, why didn’t you tell me that you also couldn’t stop thinking about us?

There was no answer to that one, of course. What was she supposed to say? “I didn’t tell you because we broke up and you refuse to acknowledge me,”? Quickly, Parker leaned back down on the seat.

Minutes trudged along as the girls fell into a regular conversation. As Parker was sandwiched between all of them, he couldn’t help but only focus on Sadie. The way her smile lit up her entire face was just magnificent. Now, she wasn’t even fully donning one--Parker noted this one to be her I’m-going-to-pretend-that-I-actually-care conversational smile. The one that she gave him when they were in love? That would always say the three most powerful words any writer will ever write: I love you.

To Parker, Sadie was the kind of girl you would look at and ask, “How did I even land her?” But it wasn’t her looks nor intoxicating laughter that made him committed to her--it was her soul. Parker was made lucky, for his own was the only one to match perfectly with hers. 

“--and how did the first date go?” 

Now, Parker was the one perking up like a dog. Sofia was the one to ask the question, and Sadie was blankly considering how she was going to respond to it. Her eyes met Parker’s, drawing every single drop of soul in a single glance. 

Scratch that. Maybe she wasn't thinking about Parker at all.

“It was terrible,” is all she said.

Or, maybe she was.

“How so?” Cass urged. “Come on, Sadie, tell us.”

Sadie cleared her throat and crossed her legs as if she was going to put on some elaborate presentation. “First of all, he said reading on the Kindle is better than reading physical copies--” the two girls gasped-- “And, second of all, he prefers to watch movies before he reads the books…On his Kindle.”

“Oh, girl,” Cassie exhaled. She reached an encouraging hand toward Sadie, clasping it over her knee. “I am so sorry.”

If he had no context, Parker would assume they were discussing some tragic death. But he had all of the context, for the entire time of her speech, Sadie’s eyes held his. Parker felt a swell in his throat and a flutter in his heart. Why was she making him so damn nervous just by looking at him?

Because she hasn’t looked at you in six months, he said to himself, but a gruff voice corrected it to, Because you never looked at her in six months.

“He did it all wrong,” Parker began, the filter between his head and his mouth disintegrating. “Everybody knows that the one way to seduce a writer is to tell them about every single plot structure in existence. Even better, synonyms for said.”

Cassie and Sofia giggled to each other while Sadie’s expression hardened. He knew that she was recalling the same exact thing that he was: their first year anniversary, when she got him a poster with every single possible synonym for ‘said.’ The moment he uncurled the scroll, he swore he heard church bells ringing.

“Hey, Sadie,” Austin summoned from the other side of the room. “Can you come here for a sec?”

Sadie climbed to her feet and padded to him. Parker felt a twist in his stomach at the sight of it. He witnessed Sadie break into a fit of laughter, stabling herself on Austin’s arm. Parker launched to his feet. His heart cracked against his ribs at the same rhythm of his footsteps pounding against the floor. He then curled his fingers around Sadie’s wrist and heard her sharp intake of breath.

“I need to tell you something,” Parker drawled. “And I’ve been meaning to tell you about it for the past six months. So, here it is.” He devoured another fleeting breath. “I really, really--”

“Pizza’s here!” somebody chanted. 

Instantaneously, the entire committee bounded toward the door. Sadie and Parker were shoved apart when some snuck between them. Parker worked his jaw, frustration settling inside of him.

“Parker.” 

Now, it was only Her voice that grabbed his attention. She stepped a foot closer. His heart was aching, unfamiliar with the sensation of them being so close to each other again.

“I have an idea,” he announced. “And it may sound stupid. But, you know what, whatever. I still really like you, and I’m not asking you to make a decision now. As a matter of fact, you don’t even have to say anything.”

Sadie knotted her brows in confusion.

“If you show up at the fountain at nine, then I’ll take that as a yes. If you aren’t there, give or take five minutes, then I’ll take it as a no.”

“For what?” she asked.

“What do you think?” 

Sadie pressed her lips in a thin line and stepped back. “Okay. Okay, it's a deal.”

Before Parker could sigh of relief, a paper plate was being shoved into his hand. He grimaced at the greasy cheese that hung off of it’s tip like goo. If anything, this slice wouldn’t be the thing that would make him vomit. It would be his nerves regarding him and Sadie’s fate. 

***

It was reaching 8:55 when Parker began to pace from one end of the fountain to the other. Every single time he did a lap, he completed it in one less second. Five laps later, he was sprinting from side to side.

When he rested to catch his breath, he tilted his phone up. 8:57. He said give or take five minutes. Will she give? Maybe he should’ve offered her ten. Or twenty. Honestly, he could give her forever, since that’s probably how long it will take for him to get her out of his head. Or more so, his heart. 

His throat felt like it was swelling as he forced back the anticipatory tears. It was like he spent his entire twenty years of living waiting for someone like her. No, not someone like her. Her.

9:00 pm. Okay, okay. Maybe she’ll take the extra five minutes he gave her. She could be stuck on cleanup, or being flagged down by more of Sofia and Cassie’s personal interrogations. Already, he was imagining her standing before him, giving him her bright and beautiful smile that swore him in in the first place. 

Parker faced the fountain with a glower. He got down on his knees, and while he considered praying for mercy, he preferred to confront his reflection in the rippling water. He attempted to grin, since his freshmen psychology teacher told him that faking a smile could actually release the happy hormones. After five seconds, nothing worked.

9:06. Parker scrambled upward. His phone must have been glitching. There was no way six minutes had already passed by. Then, two more. Three more. Four more.

Until he heard the familiar clicking of Sadie’s shoes. 

He whirled on his heels. Sure enough, there she was. And just as he imagined, smiling like he was her entire world. 

Parker couldn’t restrain himself. His feet began to move without his jurisdiction, first stepping, then trotting, then galloping toward her. He wrapped her in his arms as they shared a kiss. Everything reignited inside of him. A flame began to flicker, melting away at the icicles that had frozen his heart over in the past six months. 

“I lied,” Parker breathed as he took her face in his hands. “I don’t still really like you. I really love you.”

“Um,” Sadie said as she pulled away from him. She placed her palms on his chest firmly, looking up at him with an unwarranted expression in her eyes. “I love you too, Parker. And I always will, but… I don’t think I can love from a distance.”

Parker stumbled backward. “What are you talking about?”

Sadie brought her fingers to her lips. Parker observed the way they trembled as if she was about to break into a million pieces. “The agent offer I got, that the girls mentioned? It’s not here.”

Every muscle in Parker’s body tensed.

“I have to go to Los Angeles.”

“Los Angeles,” Parker echoed. “That’s…Across the country.”

“I know, and I’m sorry, it’s just… If there is one thing you taught me, Parker, it’s that I can’t stop trying. Even if that means I have to stop trying with you.”

A pain sliced through Parker’s head. It was like the floor had pulled itself from under him, plunging him headfirst into the fountain. 

“I’m sorry,” Sadie whispered once more. 

She rose up to peck him on the cheek before she began to retreat back to her dorm. Parker could feel his soul banging on the doors of its cage. Now, it’ll be locked away forever, since Sadie pocketed the key in her heart. She walked away until the only thing left for Parker to love was the darkness she left behind.

Now, there were three things that Parker was terrible at: plotting, confrontation, and keeping Sadie Allard.