SLAPBAR

If someone had told me all this was going to happen this morning, I would not have believed them.

I am not the type to seek out anything outside the norm - I wake up, go to work, chat with friends on the way home, play GTA 8, take my pills and go to sleep. I still have gave the same username I chose in elementary. And I was perfectly content. Until today.

Apparently, there was an error in my code. Around 9:46 AM, Bossman_08 rolled into my office, enraged. I had never seen him in person before. He cut an intimidating figure even over Zoom, but in person he was downright terrifying - His muscles bulged as he tore into me, something about a deadly crash in sector 7, three dead, one of them a child. All thanks to my coding error. Even his legs were muscular. 

I know I'm good at my job. I have never made a single error since I began working for the city, straight out of college. I send every code I write to GPT 7 for maximization before submission. I run every simulation. I work my full 12 hours each day, sometimes more if necessary. I don't even complain about the pay or lack of advancement - I just keep my head down and do good work. I have steady employment. Who could ask for more?

Well, "have" may no longer be the correct term.

I think it was the legs that broke something in me. As I was being fired, I couldn't stop staring at these huge, bulging quads. Sweat trickled from Bossman_08's temples as he screamed, and his quads tightened with each insult. Idiot! Moron! Dolt! I didn't even care - all I could think was, how much does this man, whose sole occupation seems to be yelling, make to be able to afford muscles like those? I bet me being fired causes a direct benefit to his weekly paycheck. Redistribute the wealth, right? Next year this guy will have to buy new shoes to accommodate his bulging toe muscles. And I snapped.

I pulled out my phone, opened Google Maps, and typed it in. SLAPBAR. My friend Eggofiend65 was the one who told me about it. He said you have to type it in all caps. He said it would change my life. Well, my life was changing, whether I liked it or not.

Bossman_08 was still screaming as I hit "Go," and my chair began rolling down the path towards the door. "Hey! I'm not done with you yet!" he slobbered.

"I'm fired, right?"

"Well yes, but you still have to-"

"Clear out my things? Do you see any things in here?"

I was outside the office by now, calling to him over my shoulder. I could see him on his phone out of the corner of my eye, presumably selecting the "Track" function on Maps, but I was way ahead of him, already diverted towards the elevator. If I could get there in time, the door would close, and I would never have to see his sweaty face again. I was done.

But a basic chair like mine was not equipped for speed, and he was fast on my heels, hollering about personal responsibility and me never working in this town again.

Screw it, I thought. Let him follow me. It didn't matter anymore. 

Because his chair was so much faster, we entered the elevator together. The heat coming off Bossman_08 steamed up the room, and I could feel his spittle landing on my face. This was a nightmare scenario for the person I was when I came into work this morning - think of the germs! - but now I barely registered it, so determined was I to get out of this building and onto the street. I could tell he was running out of steam, too. By the time we got to the ground floor, his voice was hoarse, and those throbbing quads weren't throbbing anymore. The look on his face was one of fear as my chair rolled towards the exit, and I could see him messing around with his phone. I was home free. Or so I thought.

The cold air hit my face in a new way as the automatic doors opened, and my chair glided onto the city infrastructure seamlessly. SLAPBAR was three blocks from the office. I was almost there. I wasn't sure what lay in store, but I was -

SMACK!

The sound of metal against metal as Bossman_08's top of the line chair collided with my base model. I held on to the armrests for dear life as he rode my ass down the street, not yelling anymore, letting the chair do the work. We were so close. All I had to do was hold on for two more blocks. 

I had never experienced a chair at this speed before, and I genuinely wasn't sure I was going to make it. But before I knew what happened, we were angling into a dark storefront at the borderline of Sector 2. I looked up for just a moment, long enough to see the word SLAPBAR written above the door, black font on black background. I had been past this place every day for ten years, never knowing it was here. 

As soon as I crossed the threshold, my chair stopped moving. There was no infrastructure in here. I felt Bossman_08's chair disconnect from my own, which helped me roll a few more inches into the place before stopping. 

A thick man with a black beard and plug style earrings looked up from the bar. "There's no infrastructure in here," his voice boomed, "you're going to have to push."

I grabbed hold of my wheels and took my best shot. My arms are more active than my legs on a daily basis, so the muscles aren't completely atrophied. I was able to roll myself, a few inches at a time, toward the bar. 

The man loomed larger the closer I got. His muscles were far more pronounced than Bossman_08's, and he was so tall as to appear freakish, a giant among men. It took me until I was nearly face to face with him to see why. I let out a gasp before I could stop myself - this man was standing upright.

He smiled. "I get that a lot," he said. "Now. Do you know how this works?" 

"Not... not really..." I nervously glanced behind me to check on Bossman_08's whereabouts. Despite his muscles, he was only halfway there, awkwardly stopped in the middle of the floor. Those top of the line chairs must be heavy. 

"First of all, my name is Steve, and I'll be your bartender."

"Nice to meet you," I said, though my voice was beginning to shake. All the adrenaline from the chase was gone now, and I started really thinking about whether I could go through with this. 

"So basically, I'm going to give you this waiver to sign, and then you pay. It's five dollars a slap, fifty cents extra for each unit of added intensity. Since you're a first timer, I would go with the basic one, then if you want another, we can up the ante from there. Sound good?"

"Y-yeah. Let's do it." Was it too late to turn back? Bossman_08 was right there, I could apologize, maybe beg my way into a janitorial job or something. It wouldn't pay as much but maybe...

Beep! I looked up to see that while I had been changing mind, my hands had been taking out my phone and scanning QR codes on the small machine in front of me. Agreeing to things. Paying for things. Steve pulled the machine back behind the bar and leaned over. 

"Okay, just tell me when your ready," he said, rolling his huge wrist around, stretching out his slapping hand. My breathing was shallow, fear welling up in my chest. I was sure Bossman_08 was looking on in sheer joy. But none of that mattered.

"Okay," I heard my own voice say, "I'm ready."

I closed my eyes. A millisecond later, I felt a huge force against my cheek. My brain exploded.

Suddenly I was at the botanical gardens, where my mom used to take me as a kid. There were Roses and hibiscus and a pool with pink flamingos standing on one leg, the sun shing through thick foliage above. One of the flamingos winked at me. I opened my eyes. 

Steve was still there, smiling gently. I returned his smile, and moved my hands from my armrests to the edge of the bar. I braced my body against the bar, putting all of my weight in my hands. And I did something I hadn't done since I was eleven years old. I stood up. 

Slowly, I shifted my weight onto my feet. Once I was stable, I turned around, using my arm to push off the bar in Bossman_08's direction. I took a step. 

My footing immediately faltered, my left leg swept out from under me. I landed on my hands and knees on the floor. But I wasn't giving up that easily. 

I crawled slowly toward my former employer, who was looking at me in a mixture of amusement and fear. At least he wasn't yelling anymore.

It felt like it took five minutes to get over to his chair. My delicate limbs threatened to collapse under the weight of me. He grimaced down at me, not even attempting to get away. He was worn out, overwhelmed. He assumed I was, too. 

Once in front of him, I put all my weight into my left arm and lifted my right, balling the hand into a fist. I summoned all the strength in my body, and punched Bossman_08 square in the balls. 

He yelped in pain, doubling over in his chair. I was close enough to see the tears glisten in his eyes. Taking my time, I turned around, still on all fours, and gingerly crawled towards the bar. 

"Say, Steve," I asked, my voice steady, "Are you guys hiring?"