Hand of Faith

Sitting still, was unmistakably the hardest thing to have happened. Every minute her heel would tap on the carpeted floor. Feeling the sweat drip down her forehead in little tears was just the beginning. Soon her whole body would implode and take the world with it. Once again her foot tapped the carpet. Smelling the environment around her, gave a distinct smell of cologne, makeup, and desire. Her thoughts raced like a car going 100 miles an hour. She refused to look upon the room that was before her. Many times she sat in this very spot and held together. Honestly, she didn't know what was making this time so much harder. The smells, the colors, and the dim light around her were all too familiar. It highlighted the reason she was there. Nevertheless, she was not going to fall into the trap of pain.  

She thought, "Maybe if I concentrate on something else, I could stand and walk about the room."

With her mind set on the objective, she began to rummage in her brain for the most innocent thought. Yes, it was with her. She silently said, "The beach."

Before she knew it, she was taken away from this devasting light and ripped into another. Before she was a scene only seen in the movies; it gave her mind an escape. The ocean danced as it swayed in and out. The smell of salt and the gorgeous sun dazzled her in the face. Her tan skin took in every inch of the sun's light. She felt her long blonde hair whip through the air. Pushing away the strands that embarked her face, she breathed deep in and out. Hoping this would calm her soul, she continued to think of this magical place.

Opening her eyes, she took a deep breath and caught it in her throat. This caused her to cough up a loogie. She coughed for a minute or two. Finally reaching for her tea, she took a long sig and contemplated her next move.

Trying to get up from her chair, her knees buckled. Shaking off the feeling, she stood and wandered to the other side of the room. Walking made the blood flow into every part of her body. She was feeling warm and dizzy. Before she could walk another step, she plopped into a seat. With a chance to sit again, she calmed her nerves and breathed. Alas, this was not working for her. Her eyes began to get fuzzy and disorientated. All her neurons were firing at the same time. It caused a sharp and unmistakable migraine to creep into existence. It pounded and covered from brim to edge of her neck. She was engulfed in the pain. Forcing herself to stay awake, she grabbed the sides of her head and tried to breathe. Her breaths were diminishing and hard to control. They were shaky and unsteady just like the rest of her body. Before she knew it she opened her eyes.

Looking down at her skirt she found that there were little wet circles on her. She reached instinctively to her eyes. Just below the eyelids were streams of colorless warm liquid. Finally, the tears had come. It was not something she was proud of. It was more a way to admit defeat. Something that she was not used to doing. She tried to hide her face from the ongoers. Yet, none of the people closest to her came to her side. She was to sit alone and relinquish the agony that was here. It was no longer a ball, instead it was a simple river gushing over the bridge. The rain had tipped the balance. The river was strong and relentless. It began to swell and deepen. This caused nothing more than agony to drift to the surface.

Allowing the pain to swell, she began to release more tears from her eyes. She tried to look through her stained eyes, nevertheless, nothing was able to be seen.

Finally, there was a burning feeling that was mounting on her shoulder. She pushed the feeling from her mind. Shrugging her shoulder, hoped would take away the feeling. She pushed with all her might. Yet, the feeling dug into her muscles and bones beneath. Yet, as it dug deeper it felt calm and familiar. As it pulled its grip, she could feel her heart soften and open for whatever was there. With a distinguishing sense of hope, she reached for the feeling and found her hand touching another. This was muscular, defined, and had a ring on the fourth finger. Gripping tightly onto the hand, she could feel the numbness and pain be transferred to the unknown.

After wiping away the tears that drifted down, she looked at the hand and the person behind it. Before now, she would have thought a smile was useless. Unannounced to her, the feeling was right. The hand was connected to the one person that meant everything to her. Yet something wasn't right. This person couldn't exist; as they were the center of attention. The reason everyone was standing or sitting in this room.

Nevertheless, the hand felt solid and on point. Creeping her face up, she looked into a face of many words. There was a shadow that was creeping along. Fortunately for her, the shadow didn't take away the features. Squinting her eyes, she could see the distinct lines of years of work. Bright blue eyes with a sense of mystery looked upon her. Many freckles were placed evenly around the high cheekbones. The only thing missing from the portrait was the slightly crooked glasses that graced a blunt rounded nose.

She smiled at the face and said, "I miss you, Dad."

The figure nodded his head and blew a kiss. After this touching note, everything felt better. She could face the world. His present may be gone, but his soul fluttered and touched everyone there.

Getting her strength, she headed to the front of the room and was greeted by the main contender. Standing before her was an oak and gold casket. Sitting upon it was a blossom of roses and orchids. She grabbed a rose from the arrangement and continued to walk forward. Before she knew it, she was faced with the face of her long passed father. She looked down at the face and smiled. It was as if she had just seen this face not a minute ago. She kissed her hand and placed it on his forehead. The last gift she could give was her everlasting love.

Walking away from this spot, she knew she would never be whole again. Yet there was a part of her that was healing and ready to walk away. Knowing that this would not be the last time that she would see him. He would always just be a dream away from her.