Last Gasp of Connection

The chaotic chatter rang around Laurence’s head, the busyness of everybody’s speech, the excitable inflections of his friends, blurring together with the background noise of everyone else on the boat. He sat back and just watched everyone have fun, he tried to soak up the ambiance, the fabricated party atmosphere, and engage with it, enjoy it, but he couldn’t, once again his friends were deep in conversation, laughing and joking with each other, clinking glasses and smoking. And he just sat back and drank, he had slowly and subtly withdrawn from the party, and was now just watching the party, steadily getting drunker and drunker.

This pattern of self-sabotage in social environments had followed Laurence his whole life, from primary school to secondary school to university. This is why he now found himself on the Blackpool Pleasure Beach, week-long, Party Boat getaway. Something he would have never thought of, or sought out of his own accord but something that the few friends he had insisted he come to.

“Guaranteed, banging week!” “You’ll definitely pick up some girls there” “I’ve never been to bed on one of those party boats alone”

All the endless boasts and general arrogant machismo rang around Laurence‘s head as he sat alone at the corner of a party boat table waiting for the night to be over. But just then one of Laurence‘s friends walked over to the table with a girl and sat her down. 

“You’ve all met Jenny haven’t you?” he said “Friend of my sisters, I saw her over there alone and thought she’d have a better time hanging out with us lot” 

Jenny sat down and immediately looked sheepish and awkward.

‘She’s just like me,’ Laurence thought and gazed into her dark and beautiful eyes, she’s uncomfortable and alone in a room full of guys trying to impress her, she was amazing. Laurence‘s friends all started to introduce themselves to Jenny and compete to hold her attention.

“What’s your name hun?” “Who are you here with?” “How are you liking it so far? “What’s your room like?”

Jenny managed to quickly adjust the initial disconcerted air she was giving off, and transformed into a social butterfly. Fluttering from one conversation to the next, Laurence‘s heart sank just as he sank back into his chair. No, she’s just another one of them Laurence thought sadly. As Laurence drank more and talked less, he kept looking at Jenny, just long enough to soak in her beauty before anyone noticed him looking. She would look back at him occasionally and he would look away so she wouldn’t know he was looking at her. 

But of course, she knew, by this point everyone around the table had noticed, he had gotten too drunk to hide it.

Too drunk and too swept up in her. Her hair that hung naturally perfectly hugged her face, her engaging dark bright eyes, her ‘I don’t suffer fools gladly’ smile, everything about her he couldn’t pull his gaze. But typically she was always engulfed in another’s conversation. Of course she was Laurence hadn’t opened his mouth for 30 minutes other than to pour more drink into it. But she did keep looking at him every time there was a lull in the conversation, ‘Maybe that’s because I’m staring too much’ Laurence thought ‘Or maybe she actually fancies me. Yeah right, or maybe she just thinks you’re some kind of freak who is the only one sitting at the table that hasn’t had the decency to introduce himself'.

“Anybody want another drink?” Laurence said in a louder voice than he was intending. Nobody noticed so he just stood up and made his wobbly way to the bar. When he got there he kept looking back at her, it was like tunnel vision, the whole room was blurry except her face, he was entirely absorbed by her. It wasn’t altogether sexual; it wasn’t simply lust, or love. He didn’t know her, they hadn’t even shared a single word between them. Yet somehow he felt more connected to her than anybody he’d else at the party, even his old school friends. Laurence was scared ‘Had he made a fool of himself back there’ he thought ‘Was he just drunkenly staring at this girl while everyone else was trying to enjoy their night, like some sort of creep’.

It was two days after Laurence‘s 19th birthday when his friends had come to his house with the clear mission and intention of convincing him to join in with their party boat plans. Laurence had spent his 19th birthday, once again drunk and with no set plans to enjoy himself other than with the 2-3 close friends he could muster to join in with his depressive overdrinking. Laurence had been getting steadily more isolated and cynical since dropping out of university, with no plans for his future and no hope. He had convinced himself that he was fine. But his friends knew otherwise, so pushed him into socializing, having “fun” and meeting women. Laurence went along with it for lack of anything better on the horizon, but a type of, 18-30 club vapid, soulless, exhibitionist tripe generally left him feeling more of an outsider and less like a normal human, whatever that is.

The Kiss

Laurence stepped out onto the deck where it was quiet and lit a cigarette and stared out over the black expanse of the sea. The cold air blew into his face and it calmed his thoughts and sobered him. ‘Just get back in there and talk to her’ he thought. 

Just then, from around the corner of the stern, he could hear a group of women laughing. He had a view of them through a window that, looking through the end of the boat. It was her, and the friends she had come with. 

“What are they like?” he could hear one of them ask.

“Yeah they’re ok,” Jenny said sounding a bit annoyed at her role as ‘the girl who was sent over to check out the guys’. “There’s a couple you might like Beth and a few sporty types for you Sophie”

“Anyone you like in there?” Beth asked Jenny

“Not really” Lawrence’s heart sank as he heard Jenny’s reply. “There’s one guy but he doesn’t talk much, seems more interested in getting hammered”

“You always like the quiet ones” They all laughed.

They all made their way back indoors and Jenny was left looking out over the water. Jenny took a pill out of her purse put it in her mouth and swallowed. Took a deep breath and threw her head back, when a strong cold breeze struck her, her mesmerizing silky hair blew back as she released her breath. Lawrence could see she was just as sick of this boat as he was, he watched as she stepped up onto the first bar of the railing. His heart raced ‘She’s not going to jump is she’ he thought.

‘This is your chance’ thought Lawrence ‘Go and talk to her while she’s not surrounded by people, she’s only human, just like you’ Lawrence built his courage and made his way to Jenny. “Hey, how’s it going?” He asked.

Jenny looked around startled. “Oh hi, it’s you,” She said flustered “I thought you were going to get another drink?” 

“Ha, I think I’ve had enough for a bit,” Lawrence said blushing.

“Yeah me too” Jenny replied.

“Enough drink or enough, ‘in there’?” Lawrence asked 

“Both!” Jenny said smiling.

“What was that you were taking?” Lawrence asked, realizing as he asked that it was none of his business. “Party pills?” Lawrence joked trying to cover up his intrusiveness.

“What!? Ah no.” Jenny blushed “Just some medication, I have to take”

“Oh,” Lawrence said “I’m sorry”  

“It’s ok, I was diagnosed with epilepsy a few months ago,” Jenny said looking embarrassed “It’s no biggy, I just have to take these pills in the evening, I’m getting used to them”.

“It’s cold out here,” Lawrence said “Do you want to go back in?” 

 “Not for a minute” Jenny replied. They both stood looking warmly into each other’s eyes, ‘what happens now?’ Lawrence could see her shaking ‘Does she want me to go, leave her alone? Or is she just scared of how she feels, like me?’ Lawrence couldn’t be sure what she was thinking, or feeling, but he knew how he felt, fully consumed by her. But didn’t want to push so started to turn away but Jenny reached out and grabbed his sleeve. Lawrence turned to face her again, they were lost in each other’s gaze, and a feeling of mutual, unspoken understanding filled them.

 ‘You’re not like the rest of them are you?’ ‘Neither are you’ they seemed to be wordlessly saying to each other.

Her arm came up and grabbed the back of his neck and she pulled his head down into hers. Lawrence’s heart was pounding; he inhaled her deeply and closed his eyes. The alcohol and cold air made his head swim, as she kissed him passionately. Lawrence was transfixed and blown away by her courage and confidence. 

He pulled her closer, feeling the warmth of her body against his, he felt himself becoming inappropriately aroused. ‘I’ve drunk too much, there’s people here’ he thought to himself, and pushed her away suddenly.

She stared back at him with a hurt look of embarrassment and shame. 

“I’m heading back in,” she said morosely, as she briskly turned and walked away.

Lawrence turned to face the ocean again, pleading his body to calm down, so he could head back in after her. 

The Loss

‘Fuck fuck fuck, I’ve fucked it’ Lawrence thought, as he stood staring out at the water. His stomach was in knots. In the distance, he could see thick dark clouds blowing towards him, the cool calming wind had taken on a sinister presence.

Lawrence built up the courage to turn and head back to the party; he walked in scanning the room for her but she was gone. The music had gotten louder and the boat felt smaller, a lot of people were up dancing now. Lawrence made his way to one of the many now empty chairs and sat and dwelled on how he’d messed up, how his fear and confusion had gotten the better of him once again, and he’d fled, self-sabotaged, any chance of normal social interaction. But that wasn’t just a social interaction, he couldn’t shake the feeling she was special. ‘Where is she?’ he thought, as he picked up an abandoned half-empty drink and started sipping it.

Jenny had decided to enjoy the party, forget about that weirdness. She found her friends on the dance floor and before long they were surrounded by guys, all bustling to get closer. She felt empty and lost after her encounter with Lawrence, but pushed it to the back of her mind. Her friends started dragging her to the bar to escape the hoard of ‘lads’ that had surrounded them. One of them handed her a shot of Sambuca. 

“I shouldn’t I’ve just taken my medication” Jenny tried to say over the booming music, but she couldn’t even hear herself, no chance anyone else would hear her. Jenny’s friends were all downing their shots and laughing. ‘fuck it’ Jenny thought ‘I’m sure it’ll be ok just one time’. 

Lawrence had been keeping a rough track on where Jenny was, but didn’t want to feel like a stalker, so avoided keeping her I eyesight. Every time she walked past him he looked away or acted like he was in deep conversation with someone else. 

Lawrence’s friends came over to him intermittently to sit with him, but couldn’t really converse because of the noise. They brought him a couple of drinks and every time they got back up, they made hand gestures trying to insist on him joining them on the dance floor, but Lawrence would just politely shake his head. Lawrence was starting to feel the social pressure to ‘have a good time’. So he got up and wandered about aimlessly, standing at the edge of the dance floor, nodding his head. Always in the back of his mind thinking about Jenny and looking around for her, he wanted to just speak to her and explain. He felt like giving up on the whole thing and going to his cabin, but he was worried about her, he thought that she was like him, only much better at putting on a social mask. Lawrence then became aware that he was projecting himself onto her, and falling into the idea of being the ‘white knight’. ‘Don’t make the same stupid mistakes you’ve made your whole life you twat’ Lawrence thought to himself.

“Do you wanna come out for a smoke” one of Lawrence’s friends, Pete shouted over the noise, covered in sweat. 

“Yeah, yeah sure,” Lawrence said dejectedly. ‘She’s gone’ Lawrence thought ‘You made a dick of yourself and now she’s gone’ probably hooking up with another guy, because she’s a normal confident, adventurous woman, and that’s what normal people do on these kinds of things.’

Lawrence stepped out with his friend; they stood out On the cold deck smoking. They had had to shelter behind a bin because the wind was coming in stronger now.

“You having a good time mate?” his friend said calmly.

“Yeah, it’s ok” Lawrence lied “just not my kind of thing.

“What is your ‘thing’?” Pete said condescendingly “Sitting around worrying about girls, instead of actually getting out there and meeting one of them, you need to get out of here sometimes” Pete tapped the side of his head.

Lawrence smiled.

The Accident

Lawrence and Pete sat and smoked outside for what felt like hours sheltering from the wind and cold.

When a group of girls came bursting out of the party.

Lawrence could see her among them, he started to stand up but shifted as the wind caught him.

“Like her do you mate?” Pete said

Lawrence ignored him and stood watching the girls, they were much drunker now. And loudly singing ‘My Heart Will Go On’ from Titanic. Jenny stepped up onto the boat's railing for the second time that night, and one of her friends tried to position herself behind her. The wind was getting stronger incrementally, and Lawrence could feel a familiar sense of dread rise in his stomach. ‘I can’t watch’ Lawrence thought.

“Let’s go back in,” Lawrence said to Pete

As they turned to head back Lawrence heard a tremendous splash, followed by screams.

Lawrence ran back over to the edge and peered overboard. 

“Beth and Jenny have just gone in” one of Jenny’s friends cried “She’s not well, she shouldn’t have been drinking”

Lawrence watched as a swath of beautiful silky hair sank below the water.

“I can barely stand, I don’t know if I should,” Lawrence said but started to get undressed anyway.

Lawrence jumped into the freezing water, in an ungainly, unheroic fashion, and screamed as the temperature hit him, he could feel his chest lock up and his arms felt like lead. He watched as Jenny sank further down, she was twitching uncontrollably spewing bubbles.

The Last Kiss



Lawrence swam down just far enough to grab Jenny’s arm but didn’t have the strength to swim back up to the surface whilst holding her with one hand. He panicked and let go as he watched her sink further into the darkness he felt hopeless, and with the last of the air in his lungs, he swam back to the surface.

‘No keep trying’ he thought, she’s not gone, just drifting away. 

Lawrence took three deep breaths and swam back down, stronger now and not feeling the cold as much he reached her and pulled her towards him. He locked his lips with hers, feeling how cold she was against him, he started to wonder if he was too late. He exhaled with everything he had and for a moment he felt like she was pulling him tighter to him.

But as he pulled away all the air that he’d given drifted back out of her and she continued to sink. 

‘One last try’ Lawrence thought and swam back to the surface, faster again.

He filled his lungs until he was close to fainting and felt his chest burning. Down again, but this time he just reached out to her, she reached back toward him and held both his hands. Her eyes had opened and they looked at each other with amazement. He pulled her up again for one last kiss, and again blew into her, inflating her chest. Her eyes opened wider, and they both started to kick to the surface, together, synchronized as one.

When they reached the surface they could see, that the boat had drifted some way from them, but there was a searchlight, scanning the ocean.

They were both reluctant for a moment, and shared one last look into each other’s eyes, and held each other, for as long they could before the cold got too much . 

They began laughing and screaming out for help together

The end.