Happy Mail

I feel a jolt of dopamine as I shuffle through the mail and come across an envelope with an address I don’t recognize. No letter opener available, I haphazardly tear it open. Inside is a simple card that reads, “hi!” on the front. As I open the card, a page from a Word Search puzzle falls to the ground. I race to catch it before the breeze blows it away and make my way towards the house.

Josh doesn’t even glance up from his Xbox as I enter the house. I pause for a second and consider whether I should exit the house and reenter through the back door so as not to interrupt his game but am saved from having to decide as he slams the controller down.

“Fuck! I’m pressing the button and nothing happens!” He jerks off his headset and tosses across the couch.

“Hey! Guess what?” I say cheerily.

“What?”

“I signed up for a Pen Pal sight. Ava is getting older and doesn’t need me as much. I thought it would be a fun, easy way to make new friends.”

“So?”

“This is my first letter!” I wave it in front of him like a proud child who has received straight A’s. My body feels like a bubble floating up, up, up into the sky on cloudless, sunny sky until……

“Great! And, you know this person isn’t a psychopath how?”

Pop!

“How many psychopaths can one person meet in a lifetime?” I reply flippantly and walk straight past him into the room we share and collapse onto my bed without even taking off my purse or coat. Ava is locked in her room again. I’m worried about her. She doesn’t have any friends and spends all her time doom scrolling through Tik Tok and Instagram. Sighing heavily, I roll onto my stomach and turn my attention to the Word Search still not bothering to remove my purse. Grabbing a pen from the night stand I get to work.

“Tourist Attractions in Italy.” How amazing it would be to stroll the streets of Rome, visit the Leaning Tower of Pisa, or ride a gondola in Venice! To see all the fabulous art and try all that wonderful food would just be amazing!

After completing the puzzle, I re-read the card:

“Thank you for sharing your address. This week has been busy catching up on grocery shopping, laundry, and cleaning. I got my last load of laundry done and so I don't have to do any laundry this weekend. I plan on doing some vacuuming tomorrow. I bought a store-bought cherry pie and I may make that on Sunday. I hope to catch up reading this weekend. Hope to hear from you soon! Your pen pal, Sherry.”

Several days pass in a blur of routine and a nagging voice inside my head that won’t rest begins. I need to write Sherry back. Its Friday now and Josh wants to go to the casino. I agree but only if we stop at the Paper Store first. We are attacked by the clerk, a tall, slender girl with manicured nails and fake eye lashes, as we step inside with her fake falsetto work voice.

“Welcome! Can I help you find anything?

“Just browsing” I respond pleasantly.

“I just want to let you know that we close in 10 minutes.”

Irritation rises in me like an elevator that’s had all its buttons pressed by a dumb teenager.

“Okay. Thank you”

I’m confronted with a flood of birthday, wedding, and anniversary cards with pre-written greetings on the inside. It seems like this trip will be in vain until I come across a cute, jungle motif card with a black cat on the front. My pen pal is going to love this card! I grab Josh from the game section and rush to the register to pay before any of the other employees can give us the side eye.

Once at the casino we head off in different directions. He heads to the Poker Tables. I stop at several slot machins as I slowly work my way over to the stage. They’re playing all my favorite 90’s hits. The singer is a good-looking man in his late twenties with long, blonde hair and a leather jacket. There is a couple on the dance floor cutting a rug. All eyes are on them and I wish Josh could dance like that. Just as I’m beginning to hit my groove, he returns having lost all his money and wants to leave. When we arrive home, I stop at the mail box. Two new snail mail letters have arrived. These envelopes contain no return address. Josh rolls his eyes at me as I show him my prizes. One is a post card from our neighbors to the North, Canada. It had scrawled on it in a neat script:

“Looking forward to getting to know you! Sally!”

The second letter has a butterfly drawn on the front and is colored in with colored pencils. There are flowers drawn around the edge of the envelope. This envelope contains a fancy tea packet. I’m not really a tea drinker but I am excited to try it for breakfast the next morning. Maybe I can convince Ava to have tea time with me tomorrow. We can make cucumber sandwiches and drink from tea cups with our pinky’s in the air and be fancy!

When Monday rolls around, I can barely concentrate at work. My plan is to sit down and write my reply as soon as I arrive home. I now have three friends to correspond with! To my astonishment, Ava is actually out of her room. I’m surprised she doesn’t die from heat stroke. It’s 90’s degrees out today and she is wearing an oversized black hoodie, black sweatpants paired with dirty purple crocs.

“I’m hungry. Will you make me box Mac & Cheese?”

This is the most she has spoken to me in a week so of course I agree. By the time the Mac & Cheese is finished, I have to leave to make it to parent/teacher conferences on time. Josh never comes with me. Guess, I’ll have to work on my letter another evening.

In bed that night, I hold my phone up to my face to unlock it and turn over onto my side so the light and scoot as far as possible to the edge of the bed so I won’t disturb Josh. I scroll to the Pinterest app and search Pen Pals. I decide to run to Michael’s tomorrow after work and pick up a couple of items.

“Hello! Brittany! Earth to Brittany!”

“I’m sorry Lindi. Good morning.”

“Did you complete all the background checks for contractors?”

“What?”

“The background checks. For the subcontractors? Are you alright? You look very tired.”

“I’m fine. I will get it done. I always do.”

I head to the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face. The haggard appearance of the woman staring back at me shocks me to my core. There are dark circles under my eyes. And, not just any dark circles. I could go shopping at Saks 5^th Avenue with these suckers. Back at my desk, I plug away at the data entry. When Lindi informs me, she is leaving early for the day I’m elated. I open Word and begin to craft my reply when the fire alarm goes off and we are required to exit the building. Nothing serious but my pen pal reply will have to wait once again.

After the day I have had, a trip to Michael’s is just what the doctor orders. I purchase a multi-color pack of cardstock, a Prismacolor fine tip black marker, colored pencils, stencils, washi tape, and some scrapbooking stickers because everyone knows that buying art supplies and using art supplies are two different hobbies!

At home, I rush straight to the mailbox. More happy mail has arrived! These envelopes are like little care packages. There are original drawings on the front and the box is covered in stickers and ribbon. The handwriting on the front is written in a type of faux calligraphy that would be hard for Ava to read.

Josh got to the mailbox before me today. His arms are laden with happy mail as he confronts me.

“How many pen pals do you have? I’m starting to get a little worried.” I take the letters from him and hug them to my chest.

“Why? This is incredible! I am making friends all over the world!”

He shrugs and heads to the Xbox.

It’s like Christmas morning as I start digging through my booty. At first the gifts were innocuous.  Word search puzzles, tea bags, and face masks. They become weirder as I go on. I find a lock of hair, a birthday candle with frosting on the tip and a note that says,

“The cake was delicious!”

I come across a deflated balloon. I realize there is a message on it so I blow it up to see what it says. It says,

“Beware!”

When I get home the next day, I find a trail of envelopes leading to a package. The parcel contains a potato with my face etched into it. The potato is hysterical but its also a bit creepy because once again there is no return address. I look over my shoulder to see if anyone is around watching me.

Ava decides to use my computer today and happens on my little pile of treasures.

“Mom, what is this stuff?” she says holding up a ripped-up map with a red circle drawn around the local cemetery. The map is covered with dirt. Next she holds up a green, mini-skirt covered in vomit.

I run over and try to snatch them out of her hands but its too late. Josh has seen the strange items and is pulling out his phone to dial 911. Two officers arrive at our door in no time flat. Josh leads them to my desk and begins explaining how I have joined a pen pal site. After sorting through the items, the officers turn to me and the first one asks,

“Ma’am, is this your grocery list?”

“Yes. Why?”

“Is this your handwriting?” the second one says.

“I don’t see why that’s important?” my hackles rising.

“We found several receipts including one from Potato Parcel.”

“I don’t see why that’s important?”

“Ma’am, you have been sending these letters to yourself.”

Josh turns to me an incredulous look on his face.

“Is this true Brittany”

“What??!! No, of course not! That’s ridiculous!”

One of the officers’ hands him a stack of receipts.