For The Mentally Unstable

Ever feel like your drowned out of everything?

Of energy, of life, of feelings, of love, of company, of care, of appreciation?

Mentally drained, emotionally drained, physically drained, and just... generally drained?

I can relate to that.

Hi, I'm Naya and I'm eleven years old.

For my young age, I've been compared to others way too much. And mostly, these ''comparisons'' come from my grandparents.

First, I'm not really into spicy food because I don't have a high level of spice tolerance.

My grandparents, as per usual, compare me to my cousins, who, again, as per usual, have a high level of spice tolerance and can eat many spicy foods.

I live in Indonesia and our country is especially rich in spices. Most of our cultural foods are spicy. For example, there is Rendang, which is a native Minangkabau dish. It is a rich meat dish that has been slow-cooked and braised in coconut milk and seasoned with herb and spice mixture over a period of several hours until the liquids evaporate, and the meat turns dark brown and tender, becoming caramelized and infused with rich flavours. That's what Wikipedia says.

Depending on the person who cooks it, it can be very, very spicy, or not very spicy at all! My grandmas from my mum and dad prefer to cook it spicy and I dare not lay a finger on it, much less eat it.

I was compared to my cousins and brother because they loved it so much and I.. Well, I didn't.

Many other Indonesian foods are like that and along with every plate served, comes a certain ''comparison'' with it.

And, as you can probably guess by now, I hate it.

Other than spice tolerance and food, I am compared in many other practices, a variety of them, I daresay, and I am quite tired and quite ready to run to the exit door.

The thing is, I've got to put up with this thing because there is no ''exit door'' that I can run out of.

The sheer pressure that I'm feeling from all this ''society pressure'' is painful and oh how it hurts. I can't help but relate to the song ''Only Love Can Hurt Like This'' by Paloma Faith.

I know that my relatives don't mean any harm and consider it 'advice' to give me such comparisons and rather personal insults that kill me slowly inside, but it- it's gotten too much and sometimes I just hide somewhere and cry my heart out.

I wish people would realise that the few harmless words that escape their mouths are also knives that cut straight to my soul, crack my heart like an egg, and make me try my hardest to blink my tears away.

Wow, you might think, am I that depressed? No, I'm not depressed, wrong word choice. I'm more like... Drained.

Here's a way to put it into your imagination.

In the past, in my innocent, past filled with childish dreams, I awsmyself as a flowing, fresh river, untouched and whole.

My young dreams of becoming an astronaut reached the moon and my heart pranced with happiness as I wake up every morning, feeling cheery and refreshed.

I didn't care about my looks, my hair, my words, my behaviour and my actions, but just lived life the way it is, not taking anything seriously.

I had zero to no heartbreaks, if you'd like to call them that, and my life then was just a happy blur full of friendship promises, determined dreams, and little treats that filled my young heart and soul with joy and made me hop around with delight.

But time flies by quickly and without realising, I'm almost twelve and a teen now.

I've got studies and grades to chase, and I feel like they keep flying away, staying out of my reach.

I've got goals to complete, writing books, making music and being an altogether perfect person.

I've also got to give up some time for religious activities because I have to prove myself to my relatives.

I've to learn how to cook and manage a household to ''prepare for your future and when you have a family'' and probably that's the biggest factor in my choice to not have a family. Even if I was to have a husband, I would expect him to not expect kids from me either. It's too much.

I have to smile, laugh, be smart, have good discipline, be kind, religiously active, learn thousands of things for proof, have good grades, have created creations, reached a certain level of ''happiness'', and still, it's not enough.

How can I do all of these things? I'm sick of being pressurised and compared, of being ordered and lectured at, of being me.

People encourage me to be the perfect girl and they just won't accept that not every human being is perfect. I might not be smart, but I can cook. I might not be top student, but I can make music.

Can't I just do what I want and focus on my dreams and chasing them? I need advice, trust and encouragement to try and live my dreams not lectures, comparisons and expectations.

I'm done with these people and I'm going to prove to them that I can be great in my own way.

I'm gonna learn as hard as anything and reach good grades.

I'm gonna pray daily and memorise the Al-Quran, which is like Muslim people's Bible.

I'm gonna cook and clean, so that I can prepare for my future as a wife and mum.

I'm gonna write many books and make sure they hit worldwide fame.

I'm gonna play guitar and write lyrics and be the next generation's Taylor Swift.

I'm gonna smile and laugh with the weight of the world on my back.

I'm gonna sleep early and wake up early to perform the Subuh prayer.

I'm gonna do everything they say.

I'm gonna prove myself.

I can do it.

I'm sure I can, and I will.

I will do everything and anything they say and will even do it better than expected. I'm Naya and I won't give up.

I will take a break and have a good cry, but every time, I will emerge from the tears as a beautiful, golden, soaring pheonix, skimming the skies, flying high and having the voice of an angel.

I will be the best version of me, the very bestest of me.

Let's just hope I can do it and I promise I'll write another story when I am successful and great.

Bismillah.

Merci beaucoup et au revoir.