Letting Go...

It had proven to be another chilly mid-winter morning. And yet again she had woken up in her bed –alone–and shivering. Adam had been next to her the night before, his too-skinny, tattooed body trying to keep her warm, making her feel safe –safer than she had the right to feel. Adam had always been a bad kid, getting into trouble, getting arrested more often than he should. He had wanted –no, needed–help and his bad behavior kept interfering. 

Emily pulled the thin sheet up over her shoulders, her ears turned towards the bathroom. When she failed to hear Adam making every effort to be quiet, she turned her attention towards the main bedroom door, her eyes still shut against the morning light. She didn’t want to open them for she knew what she would discover: the bedroom door shut, the surest sign that her childhood friend had abandoned her. 

He could have stayed here. He should have stayed here. But she knew he had slipped away; she knew it the instant that sleep had turned into wakefulness. Adam had left. If she kept her eyes closed, she could still pretend that he was still beside her despite every clue to the contrary: his body was not keeping her warm nor could she hear this steady breathing next to her.

A soft whimper escaped her lips the same instant tears welled up in her eyes. All the trouble he had gotten himself into that had led him to being arrested so many times in his youth, all his continuing troubles that had yet again led to jail stints as an adult. She had promised him that she would never visit him in jail. To this day, she had stayed true to her word, despite her aching heart.

Adam had done so many bad things, and Emily always focused on all his wrongdoings. She placed her anger on him. It kept her from thinking about the one thing she had done in her life that made his bad deeds seem like nothing. She felt her lips start to quiver, the tears streaming down her face. How many days had passed since she had seen her brother?

“One thousand two hundred and thirty-five,” she heard herself whisper.

Given more time she could narrow it down to the hour she had not set eyes on her brother. Her throat let out another whimper, that turned into a scream. Why had Adam decided to leave? He could be consoling her in her despair, but no, he had abandoned her yet again. She should cast him aside, focus her energy on her brother, her poor, lonely orphaned brother and not Adam. But how could she? Having him near her let her not think about her failure as a sister.

Emily opened her eyes and used the tip of the sheet to wipe away the tears from her face. Adam had closed the door when he left, like he had every other time before that. Even when they had just slept and done nothing more, unlike last night. She let out a sigh before pushing herself into a sitting position. Her eyes drifted towards the bathroom door, a small sliver of hope convincing her that Adam had would emerge from there, every towel big enough wrapped around his body. But he didn’t come, just like she knew he wouldn’t.

With the sheet still wrapped around her, Emily pushed herself off the bed and headed to her closet, to a pile of clothes sitting just inside. Using one hand, she gathered what she needed to get dressed and headed to the bathroom. She hastily showered, still listening for Adam to come back. But she never heard him. She knew she wouldn’t.

She should tell him she never wanted to see him again. She had before. But like so many times before, she would let him back into her life. It seemed the threat of never visiting him while he was in jail was the only promise she could keep when it came to Adam. As much as she needed him out of her life so she could turn her attention to her brother, she preferred it this way.  

No matter the time, if she needed Adam, all she had to do was call his number. Never more than twenty minutes passed and he would be at her side. If only she could be that reliable when it came to her brother. It seemed he had enough reliability for the both of them. Emily felt her lips quiver again. Her brother needed that in her, but she couldn’t give it to him. How could she? That little man was the spitting image of their father –he had been since the day he was born.

Emily refused to wait for her hair to completely dry before she headed out of the bathroom after she dressed. She found her wallet and her keys, heading outside to her car. A curse fell off her lips, she shouldn’t be driving over to Adam’s dad’s house looking for him. She should be heading over to her uncle’s house to beg her brother’s forgiveness for neglecting him.

But she had to see Adam. She had to hear his voice one more time today. She had to hear him laugh, to make her forget the accident that had made her brother and her orphans. As she pulled her car out of the driveway, she went into autopilot, skipping the road that led to her uncle’s house. How old was her brother now? Fifteen? Sixteen?  

“I need to see Adam, Henry,” she whispered, hoping her brother would be understanding.

She loved her brother more than anything, but she needed the comfort she found in Adam. Emily continued driving towards Adam, crossing the intersection where her parents and her sister had been killed too long ago to count. It was on the way to Adam, where she needed to be more than anything.

She turned her car into the cul-de-sac where Adam lived. A cop car blocked his driveway. Emily stopped her vehicle in the middle of the street, her eyes fixed on Adam, his hands cuffed behind his back, and the police escorting him towards their car.