Why Didn’t I Notice

       Adeline Meyer was the best friend a girl could have. She was always there when others weren’t, and even though her problems were much worse than mine, she never made mine feel insignificant. She was perfect—to everyone but herself.

      The night before my life came crashing down, Adeline and I were having one of our many sleepovers. It was pretty normal—prank calls, baking, and talking about boys, (Ryan Carter in particular). Adeline was stuck on Ryan like glue, and has been since elementary school.

      Adeline practically introduced me to the idea of having crushes. I wasn’t really interested in boys like that, until she was. Growing up I pretty much did whatever she did. If Adeline joined the soccer team—so did I, if Adeline started wearing her hair in pig tails—so did I, and if Adeline fell in love with Ryan Carter—so did I. We weren’t alike at all, but that’s what made us work. She was mature, while I was lacking in that area. 

     That night at the sleepover, there was something slightly off with Adeline. It came out of nowhere. We were having the best time painting our nails, when her demeanor changed after I brought up Ryan. She was forcing smiles and acting like she wanted to just be left alone, but also looked scared. I didn’t know what to say—so I stayed silent.

     After the sleepover, I couldn’t stop thinking about how strange the night had turned. I was curious about what could’ve changed her mood and why it bothered me so much. She had been acting like this for a couple of weeks—being distant and clearly forcing smiles, but her change when Ryan was mentioned made me very uneasy.

   Nonetheless, today I was done stressing about Adeline—I was about to take my driver’s test. I had practiced for months with Mom to get ready, and was so excited to finally be able to go wherever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Once we got there, I was super nervous. I spotted a couple kids from school that were ahead of me. Luckily, I had a really nice instructor and it went smooth. Even though my three point turn felt more like a seven point turn, I passed.

   Afterwards, I wanted to go to Adeline’s house more than anything, even if the night before had been weird. She was the first person on my mind. As soon as I got home, I dropped Mom off and rushed over to Adeline’s. I tried to call beforehand but there was no answer, but that made me even more excited to share the news with her in person. 

    As I drove I noticed tons of cops, they were everywhere. There was an accident on North Jefferson Street. I didn’t see it, but they were detouring cars away and having them reroute to Williams Street. I wondered at the time if there was an accident or something.

    As I approached Adeline’s house there were police cars outside—my body turned cold.

    It couldn’t be. Not Adeline. Please tell me she wasn’t in the accident. My phone pinged over and over again in my pocket. I was profusely crying and my brain was going a mile a minute.

   “Kaitlyn, I was just about to call your mother, please come with me.” Ms. Lynn wrapped her arms around me and walked me to the door. She was so pale, and looked so empty. He was always the happiest woman in any room, but seeing her—she looked like a ghost.

   I walked inside, and every happy memory I had in Adeline’s house came tumbling down. How could this have happened?

   “What happened?” I barely got out of my quivering lips as I tried not to sob

   Ms. Lynn had to step away, because she started crying all over again.

An officer hesitantly walked over to me and broke the news to me, “This morning, Adeline was driving and crashed into a tree. She was going very fast judging by the car, it’s totaled.”

   “I don’t care about the car, is she—dead?” I asked under my breath, still not wanting to know the answer.

   “Yes, I’m so sorry. She died on impact.” The officer said as he looked anywhere but my eyes.

“Can I go to her room please? I want to sit on her bed and take a moment.” 

   “Of course. Just don’t move anything, an investigation still needs to happen.”   

As I walked in her room, I smelled her Ariana Grande perfume she wore religiously. I saw the posters we hung up together in middle school of Justin Bieber, Nick Jonas, and Ross Lynch. I never thought teen heartthrobs could make me so emotional. I fell to my knees when I saw the birthday card I made for her last month still sitting on her desk. It’s crazy how a room I had seen one day prior, made me such a mess, now that I knew she was never coming home. 

   I sat on her bed for over three hours. I sat in probably a million positions, trying to rack my brain. I talked to her and cried so hard I thought I was going to throw up. I snatched her favorite blue throw pillow so I could scream. A scream to unleash all my emotions, but when I picked it up, I realized there was something hard under it. 

   A diary. It was blue suede and it had her name on the front, in felt, iron on letters. I remember buying it for her in Claire’s for her 14th birthday. I began to open it but hesitated. I immediately felt guilty. Would Adeline want me reading her innermost thoughts?

   “Ma’am, I’m going to need you to leave, we must look at this room briefly.” A tall police officer with a deep voice as he interrupted my thoughts.

   I shuffled out of the officers way quickly, and as he turned, I snatched the diary. I still don’t know what made me do it. It was impulsive, but if I hadn’t taken it, I never would have found out the truth.

The Next Day…

       I skipped the entire week of school following Adeline’s death. The first Monday was the hardest—I got out of bed and brushed my hair, but as I went to get dressed, I saw Adeline’s shirt hanging up. It was the pink one with the flowers that we bought last spring. She let me have it because she said it looked better on me. I never agreed with her. She always made clothes look so much better than they did on the hanger. She gave me a bunch of other clothes a couple weeks prior, but this shirt was my favorite. I took each arm off the wire and put it on. Once it was around my neck, I froze. I was hit with a whiff of that Ariana Grande perfume and I fell to the ground. I layed on the floor with nothing on except a pair of pajama shorts and the flower top hanging around my neck as I sobbed. I felt my eyes burn as they poured out every feeling I couldn’t express.

   I crawled up to my bed. A couple hours later, I woke up to Mom standing over me, “Kaitlyn, what can I do?” 

 I shook my head back and forth and cried as I reached out to hold on to her with every part of me that wasn’t numb. 

   Later that day, I was distracting myself from the world by watching some reality TV. Eventually, I got tired of stupid housewife drama, crappy boyfriends, and cheating scandals. I attempted to reach the remote on my nightstand to change the channel. I dropped it. I peered under my bed—and saw it—the diary.

   I knew it was wrong, but nonetheless… I opened it to the first page.

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April 9th

Hey, It’s Adeline. This Is the 10th diary I’ve started and I hope I can keep up with this one. I guess I should start by saying some things about myself. I’m guessing this Is something I’ll come across In a few years and It will be nice to reminisce. So, I recently turned 17, I have blonde hair, my best friend Is Kaitlyn, I drive a crappy Ford pickup truck, and I have C’s In 3 of my classes. My life Isn’t the best right now. Kaitlyn Is the only person keeping me sane. She might be the best thing that’s ever happened to me. 

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  Her handwriting alone made me emotional. She did this little thing with her Y’s that just looked so pretty. Nothing wasn’t pretty about Adeline—even that pickup truck made boys want her. I just wonder what wasn’t going well with her life. She was doing so good, we were so happy. 

  That night Mom came in my room and said the medical examiner contacted Adeline’s parents and explained how they think she died. They say Kaitlyn swerved—that she must’ve seen an animal and drove off the road, hitting the tree. There were no cameras in the area. They were assuming that was the case.

  I went a few days before I opened Adeline’s diary again—but when I opened it next, I couldn’t stop reading.

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April 15th

Please God, It happened again. It was Ryan. I can’t leave him, he said he would post everything about me on Snapchat If I broke up with him. He hit me again. I’ve been able to hide It well from my Mom lately. It’s been bruises on my arms and chest, but he punched me In the face this time. It’s swelling bad. Mom Is out right now, but If she sees It, I wont be able to go to school ever again. All my secrets will be shown. Kaitlyn would kill me If she knew half of what has happened between Ryan and I. Plus she has a crush on him and If we break up I don’t want him going for her. She doesn’t even know about half of the awful guys that have told me they wanted to make a move on her and I threatened them not too. Anyways, I’ll check In later.

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April 17th

She saw. I was getting changed this morning and Mom saw my back. I didn’t even know those marks were there. My back was cut and bruised so badly. She walked over, held me and cried. She kept screaming, “who did this to you? I will kill them!” I flipped out and told her It was some girl at school that was messing with me. She asked who and I froze and just told her It was my first grade bully. Natalie Stevenson was expelled today. It’s my fault. Ryan called me a few minutes ago to thank me. I need to leave him. But he loves me. He hurts me, he just doesn’t realize how strong he Is. It Isn’t his fault. I just should just keep quiet sometimes.

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   Adeline was going through so much and I never knew. Why didn’t she tell me? She was so good at faking it. She had me and everyone else fooled. I wanted to tell the police, to explain everything, but they can’t know I took the diary. It’s not fair that she died! She had so much to live for. We had so many plans. She was my future maid of honor. My future children’s godmother. My safe place. My place to fall. She was taken. She wasn’t done, I know she wasn’t ready to go. Not yet.

        The Next Day…

   I went to school, for the first time in weeks. I’ve never had so many eyes on me at once, yet I felt so alone. They made Adeline’s locker into a shrine—she would’ve loved it. During second period, I asked to go to the bathroom, As I walked down the hallway, Ryan came up to me. 

   “Hey Kaitlyn, I’m so sorry about Addy. She really loved you.” 

   “She hated being called Addy, you should know that,” I snapped.

   “You are a real bit—”

   He couldn’t even get out the whole insult before I landed a punch so hard at his right temple. I don’t even remember doing it. I felt so much rage come over me, I kept hitting him and kicking him. He didn’t stop me, didn’t fight back. I saw blood and felt someone tear me away. I felt so many eyes on me, but I didn’t even care.

   I spent the next two hours in the principals office. Looking at my principle’s diploma and family pictures. As I was deep in a daydream, the principal walked in to tell me that I got suspended and Ryan got to go home early to rest. In hindsight, I should’ve told the police everything I knew—but I wasn’t finished reading.

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May 28th 

Todays the day. Kaitlyn just left a few hours ago. I feel at peace with my decision. I know that If I break up with Ryan, I will lose my entire reputation and I can’t go on that way. I don’t have anything going for me. My body keeps getting bruised, Ryan Is falling out of love with me, and Kaitlyn Is strong, she doesn’t need me. It feels Ironic that just a few months ago I was wondering If I would finish this diary…I guess In one way, I am, but I have one more entry left—

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Dear Kaitlyn, 

Hey snoopy. I figured you’d find this. I’m so sorry I did what I did, but Im sure you’ve read the rest of this, and I know, I know. I’m sorry for keeping all those boys away from you, I’m sorry I never told you about Ryan, and I’m sorry I wasn’t myself at our last sleepover—I guess It just hit me that It was our LAST. It hurts so bad to leave you. You will always be the most amazing person I ever met, and I hope Im at-least In your top 10. I know this Is selfish, but please tell your kids about me, and make sure I would’ve liked your future husband. I cant keep the bad boys away from you anymore. Just let me serve as a voice In your head, and a companion In your heart. Even though Im gone—Im always with you. Ill be there at your wedding, at your graduation, and at every event to follow. I love you Kaitlyn, more than you will ever know. This Isn’t goodbye, this Is a see you later.

    From,

Your best friend <3