Through her eyes and heart

It's a hot summer, but I'm trying to enjoy it. I know this will be the last one, no matter how hard I try to deny it. I'm waiting for a miracle. I don't even know why I'm waiting for her, but I'm waiting.

Ultimately, destiny is not a matter of chance, but a matter of choice. It is not something to be expected, it is something to be done. It is not about luck, it is about everyone's choice.

How stupid!

It is natural for doctors to give false hopes through pompous quotes.

If it were a choice, then I would choose to start a family in the next five years, to have a loving husband, two children, but, you see, I only have three months to live if a donor is not found quickly...

-Hello, Elena!

The smile and the gentle voice of the doctor begin to cause me agitation. What does he see good in this situation? Every day he had the same attitude as if the passage of time was a reason to celebrate. However, I received a good education and I know common sense.

- Hi, as good as it can be!

- Pessimistic again!

I roll my eyes and try to stay calm as much as possible.

- No, not at all. This day is so good and beautiful that I forgot that I have little left of this life, in case someone endures to take out his heart and his eyes to give them to me. What number am I on the waiting list?

- You're right in a way, but I called you to tell you that the list has been shortened and there is a good chance that a donor will appear soon.

- Wonderful! How many corpses did I step on to get ahead?

- I know it sounds strange, Elena, but this is the way of life and death. Believe me, I've seen so many ...

- How long do I have to wait?

- We have a young patient suffering from severe coronary heart disease. The family agreed to donate.

- I'm waiting for him to die so I can live.

- Yes.

- Can I leave?

I feel like the heart, already decayed, is about to break into millions of pieces. I don't know if I'd rather live or die... Stop, tears! I feel their coldness on my hot cheeks.

Driven by a crazy impulse, I let the doctor speak alone and I swirl out the door.

In my agitation, I run into a man who looks as messy as I do. I no longer have the strength to get up. My tears do not stop and my body trembles like a leaf in the wind.

- Are you ok?

A hand reaches out to me.

Fuck this good, it slips through my teeth, but I try to answer calmly.

- I am, I think, I don't know.

The whole hospital lobby is looking at us. I didn't realize how strong my answer was. I feel my cheeks burning with shame. I let myself be helped and apologize.

- Don't say anything. I should apologize.

The man hands me a napkin. He must have seen the mascara drain.

I take the napkin with an out-of-the-ordinary shyness and, involuntarily, I stare into his bright green eyes.

-Whatever it is, you have to smile at a hurried yesterday, like summer rain. Paint a today without a beginning or an end. From tomorrow dream of a happier life.

I don't know why the man's words are repeated in my head. His sad eyes, full of tears, his hands cold as ice... What suffering embraced his heart so tightly?

I woke up after three hours of sleep. I get up and head for the bathroom, leaning against the walls. The steam rise as a wet and hot mist. I feel like the people around me are starting to suffocate me. I don't even realize I'm dressed and got into the shower. It's a pleasant and threatening condition.

The hot shower is, by order of the doctor, on the list of forbidden things. However, forbidden things are tempting.

The phone is ringing. 

I undress through mechanical movements, holding my breath as if those slow movements and silence could change the course of things.

The phone rang again, more insistently.

I get out of the shower, put on a towel, and go back to the bedroom.

I approach the nightstand where the phone was sitting and I see a message "Immediately at the hospital !!"

The fear came unexpectedly, very different from anything I've felt so far. An explosion of feelings and madness that made me scream briefly.

My legs don't help me anymore and I'm collapsing.

I look around: the white walls, the paintings, everything I have collected to make it a warm and comfortable home.

I saw myself in the mirror on the closet door: naked, thin, wet strands of hair glued to my face and, among them, out-of-orbit brown eyes, dark circles.

After a year

How come I passed this park so many times and did not see the flowering apricot, how a couple of old people meet on the bench by the lake every morning.

I put my hand to my chest, I feel my heart want to come out. Her feelings are still foreign to me. I sit on the bench and quickly pull out my phone.

- Something strange is happening today. I feel abnormally agitated.

- What are your symptoms? Come to the hospital immediately!

- I think it's okay ...

- You scared me to death, Elena. It's normal. You will have to learn to live together.

- I feel like a long philosophical speech is coming. I'm closing!

I closed, feeling the gaze of a man on the opposite bench. I feel my heart beating harder and harder, my hands sweat and my breathing quickens.

I get up in a hurry to get rid of his penetrating gaze. I hear a noise and look down. My phone!

I've experienced this scene before.

- Are you ok? A hand reaches out to me.

- Yes.

I hurry to get up and grab his hand.

- You are...

- You are...

Both at the same time. The situation makes us laugh hysterically.

Suddenly I reach his arms, surrounded by the noisy horns of some cyclists.

His scent, his tight hug make my heartbeat slow down. I feel protected.

I look up: fleshy lips, small beard, and green eyes. Those green eyes penetrate my heart.

After kissing him hard and loud on the cheek, I ran away.

That's how I finally got to the altar. Everyone told me he wasn't the right man for me. That he was too serious and that they didn't see a hint of affection in his eyes, but I could see. I could see beyond his cold, indifferent mask, and I could feel his heart beating in the rhythm of my heart.

Or, maybe they were right. That's how I felt today as if the train hit me hard.

- Why are you like this? I asked him with tears in my eyes.

- Because every day you do things you shouldn't do. I'm beginning to think our meetings were planned.

- I don't understand what you mean...

- You always put flowers in the bedroom. Only roses. You always tell me what to wear only for what you like and why would you want to name the child Luca? Of so many names, why Luca?

- It just seemed to me ...

- Why do you want Luca, why do you want a country house with a garden full of flowers, why do you address my mother with pompous diminutives? Why? Why?

I hold my hands tightly in my chair, I feel I lose my balance. His harsh voice resounded so loudly in my heart, cutting it to pieces with every word spoken.

- Everything is calculated accurately. You premeditated everything. 

I collapse and the last word I hear:

- Elena!

I wake up in the same horrible hospital smell, I feel needles in my hand and heavy eyelids.

-Forgive me, please don't leave me! This time I would not resist.

My tears are cold, I can't move and my eyes close involuntarily. I hear voices, I'd like to shout, but I can't.

- The body no longer wants to accept the heart. I don't know what caused this imbalance. Strangely, corneal transplantation is ok. At the last consultation, her heart was fine. I don't know what happened.

It was the doctor's voice. He told Vlad everything I didn't tell him, for fear I would lose him.

- I do not understand!

- You are her husband, and ethics allow me to tell you the truth. Three years ago, Elena underwent a double transplant: cornea and heart.

- How many years?

- Three, the doctor replied in surprise.

- How can ...

- A functional heart was taken immediately after the death of a patient and ...

- Sara!

There was an oppressive silence.

- How do you know the donor's name?

- Because she was my wife.

I opened the eyes that met his, full of tears.

- It's her, but so much you. A beautiful, brave woman, full of life despite everything you have suffered. You dare to love the same insensitive man twice.

I saw him so rarely smiling. I gathered all my strength so I could talk.

-Until death and beyond. Through her eyes and heart, I knew love. Be a girl then. We'll name her Sara.

The next day I didn't dare to meet him. I took from Sara the fear, the insecurity.

I left him a note:

"If it were possible to look into the eyes of others, we would disappear immediately."