Shiny Black Door

Shiny Black Door

Taking a deep breath she walked up to the shiny black door and knocked. There was no reply. She had known there wouldn't be as soon as she had seen his car wasn't there. She should go. Now.  She had taken a very big risk by coming here. She thought that to see him, maybe touch him for the very first time in years and to hear his voice again, but this time in person, would heal the deep aching she felt for him. It was like a heavy weight that she couldn't put down but he wouldn't even answer her emails anymore.

Her mind flew back to when they had first known each other thirty years ago. They had loved each other deeply back then. Even though theirs was a tumultuous relationship it had also been so romantic, yet exciting. At times it was so intense she thought the sparks between them must be visible to others. So intense that it could never be maintained. It was on again, off again for more than a year and then suddenly, without warning, he ended it for good. She was devastated. Life wasn't worth living and she fell into a deep depression, avoiding their usual haunts and men in general. After a few months, still depressed and disinterested, she started to have one night stands with men that she felt nothing for. Afterwards she felt so dirty and hollow she eventually stopped this destructive behavior. Even so it was more than two years before she had another long term relationship and it didn’t make her happy. She was just acting her part. From her side there was no love involved, even though she said there was. She knew she’d never find another Michael. 

Those thirty years had passed in the blink of an eye, although she'd thought about him many times, wondering what their life might have been like if they'd stayed together. She was now married, unhappily for the second time. No wonder when she couldn't get the love of her life out of her head.

Then a few months ago she had finally tracked Michael down after years of searching. She never expected things to be moonlight and roses but just to see him again, even if it was from a distance, would mean so much. In the early years searching was nigh on impossible but the internet was a wonderful thing. Knowing it could hurt she'd sent him a message through a business website. What if, having found him, he rebuffed her idea of contact between them? It would be like having her heart stomped on all over again but he responded almost immediately.

At first it was just emails, longer and longer emails, discussing their history, how mind-blowing their life together had been. She remembered a holiday from when they were younger, but was delighted to find Michael had some photographs of the two of them from then that she hadn’t known existed. They were both smiling and looking so obviously in love. In their emails he never mentioned the bad bits of their relationship. It was as if he'd genuinely forgotten them. 

Then their messages moved on to the present day, their current lives, working and personal. She told him she was married. With all her internet research she was one hundred percent sure he was honest about his current situation. She was not. She didn't lie. She just left something out. More recent photos were exchanged. Without a doubt there was still that deep connection between them. He was more handsome now. Being older suited him. It did wonders for her self esteem when he said she was still beautiful, although the photo she'd sent him was sixteen years old. In it her hair was glossy, she was beautifully made up, she was smiling and was wearing a racy red top.

The emails began to be more suggestive. He told her he still found her very sexy and that he'd love to see her dance again. Both of them knew they were leading up to meeting but with the knowledge of their previous relationship forever looming over them she persuaded him to take things slowly. She wanted to savor each moment of their dalliance as long as possible and put off telling him the truth. 

She felt as if she had been given a second chance with him, a do-over of those earlier years. Their emails were wonderful. She knew so much more about him now than she'd known back then. They hadn’t held back at all and had told each other really private things about their younger selves. That wasn't how she'd expected things to go. She'd thought there would be a dozen or so emails tapering off as he lost interest. Even that would have been enough to brighten her life so she was stunned when he suggested phone calls. She worked from home so she could make herself available at any time but she couldn't phone him as he owned a lucrative and well respected Real Estate Agency. He would have to slip out to call her. Luckily he had to be out of the office at least part of the time to do valuations. 

The first time her phone rang she thought she would faint. He was using a burner phone for secrecy. He worked with his wife and both their grown up children so it was imperative that regular calls to an unknown number didn’t appear on bills in the office. This made it all the more exciting, that they were the only two people who knew about the calls which quickly became as naughty as the emails, lasting longer and longer. One was over an hour and he hadn't even started on the valuation! Their chemistry was far stronger than it had been before. Just the words that he used could make her head spin, make her face flush with emotion. She remembered and loved his wide use of vocabulary, the way he talked, his inflection, but most of all his laughter and how he made her laugh too. That made her tingle all over. It'd all been so clandestine, and so, so exhilarating.

She hoped that she would be able to stop it there but once they'd declared their love for each other, by phone, it was too late. Like a runaway train there was no stopping it now. Sooner or later he would want to meet up and, despite him declaring weeks earlier that in his twenty eight year marriage he had never cheated on his wife, she knew that he wanted to and with her. So she had to come clean.

She confessed in an email as she couldn't have said the words without breaking down. She’d had an illness for nine years that had almost completely taken away her mobility, she was in constant pain, had to rest often, and walked with a stick. Her dancing days were well and truly over. She also admitted that the photo she'd sent him was taken seven years before her illness started and that coping with the pain and fatigue had changed how she looked too. He didn't respond for days and when he did, it was to say that he was deeply disappointed she hadn't told him the truth from the start. Her revelation had sent him into a tailspin. He needed some time to think about things so she probably wouldn't hear from him for a few weeks. 

Quickly reading between the lines she recognised that he'd wanted the person she'd been in the racy red top, not a woman old before her time, who needed constant care and could hardly walk. She saw his point of view but had hoped he loved her soul and for who she was, so the broken body and the lost looks wouldn't matter. The years had not changed how shallow he was but for her own sanity she needed to try and save all that they'd had.

The first time he'd said "I love you," during one of their secret phone calls, it felt as if time stood still. After a few moments of getting over the shock she had said it back and since then they had said it many, many times. She sent another email reminding him of this and that her feelings for him had not changed but even that had not altered his decision. He had turned his back on her, leaving her bereft. No matter what she said or how many times she apologized it made no difference. Despite her best efforts their relationship had cooled, dropped away, like the floor beneath her disappearing and letting her fall into that deep, dark hole that she remembered so well.

Now she was outside his house, trying to ignore the pain running wild within her. Maybe, in person, she could change his mind and everything would be alright again. She knew he often came home for lunch alone for a bit of peace and quiet but she had been waiting too long. It started to rain. Sadly she turned and put her hood up. She had just slowly walked back down the garden path and part way up the street, as a car passed and pulled into the driveway behind her. His car. The shiny black Jaguar she had only seen in a photograph. Her heart soared. He would see her, he would realize the mistake he'd made and take her in his arms. He would feel their love again, she would hear his laughter. 

She was shaken from her fantasy by the revelation that he was not alone. She pulled her hood more tightly round her so it obscured her face, just as he got out of the car, with his wife and opened that shiny black door that she would never go through. She slowly and sadly walked away with the click, click, click of her stick accompanying her every step, just as it always did.

Copyright Caitlyn Kilbee