Finding Herself

The sound of the hail hitting the roof sent a high-pitched ding echoing through the air. 

‘McKenna,’ Dylan said through the computer screen.

‘Huh? Sorry,’ I replied. ‘What did you say?’

‘Doesn’t matter, you okay?’

I had one of the many throw blankets from the couch wrapped around me with a cup of juice mixed with half a shot of vodka beside me. Was I really okay? If he could see the state I was in beyond the screen, he wouldn’t have needed to ask me that.

‘Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.’ 

‘I may have only known you for a short time, but you’re most certainly lying.’

I drew my lips into a tight line, unsure if I should even raise my true thoughts. Dylan had become a great friend in a matter of days during my last nursing placement, but that wasn’t enough for me to fully trust him. Though if I didn’t ask, I never would know.

‘Did you really mean what you said when you thought I was a med student?’

‘Yeah, it looked and sounded like you had been in the industry a lot longer than four years as a student. You’re the only person in health care in your family aren’t you?’

‘Yes I am,’ I said proudly. ‘I’ve just been thinking more and more. Nursing isn’t really for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love it, but I …’

‘You want more responsibility in the decisions?’

‘Sort of. Also, nurses have responsibility as it is Dylan.’

‘Oh I am very much aware.’

‘But I — I don’t really know. Medicine is definitely something I want to pursue. I love patient care but it’s the problem solving that comes along with it.’

I wanted more in my career. While I enjoyed nursing, the more and more I think about taking a job or post-graduate education, the more I think about medicine. It was a challenge, no matter the specialty or sub-specialty I were to undertake, it wouldn’t be easy.

‘It’s a tough road, I get abused by consultants most days of the week. It isn’t for the faint of heart, especially when a patient dies.’

‘You trying to talk me out of it?’

‘Just making sure you have the full picture. Most people glorify medicine and do it for the ego, but then can’t handle getting yelled at by the consultant, who, for the most part, are on the ego trip.’

I laughed. ‘I’ve come across some of those consultants,’ I replied. ‘It isn’t fun as a nurse either. Some of the higher ups, dish it back because they won’t stand for the abuse. Us younglings? Ohh we need to keep a clean slate for sure.’

Doctor Andrew Houton was my first egotistical consultant who actually swore at me because how I dressed a wound wasn’t how he liked it. Not one supervisor I was with warned me about him, probably an initiation tactic. After that encounter, I was so scared and embarrassed that I demanded I be taught what standard of practice he wanted from his nursing staff.

'If med's the goal and dream, I say go for it. You have the eye for attention. Heck! I'll vouch for you to get a placement in Adelaide, study under me. I may or may not have a bias for Flinders’ medical school.'

'Thank you,' I replied. 

‘I gotta go. Can’t wait to hear what your plans are.’

We said our goodbyes, and I was left with the continuous pings of hail hitting the roof.

I was planning on cancelling the entry exams, but I was doing so well on the practice ones that I did when I was bored. Maybe Dylan was right. If I have an aspiration, I should just go for it. Spending a life where I solely people please would be boring and depressing. That was my life now. Sometimes you need to be a little selfish; this was the time for me to step away from giving people what they want.

My several tabs for each states’ tertiary education applications sat open, taunting me. I had applied to almost all medical schools by this point. It was more becoming a matter of what did I really want to do? What direction was pulling me harder than the rest?

'Kenz!?' 

'Crap,' I mumbled, quickly shutting down all my tabs but Netflix. 'In here!' I called from the lounge room.

Kaleb had waltzed out from his bedroom, drenched from the storm outside. He seemed cheerful but that feeling was bound to disappear within seconds. 'I had the best day ever!' He said. 'Just got offered a promotion for when I graduate.'

'That's great hon,' I replied, trying my best to fake the enthusiasm.

'Yeah it is. Especially since I'll be making up to six figures and as you hate nursing, we can easily live off my pay.'

'What?'

Dumbfounded. Rage. Confusion.

So many emotions ran through my body. I couldn’t tell whether I wanted to scream or cry. There was no way in hell that I was going to give up anything to be a stay at home wife. I had no desire to become one. I wanted to have a career. 

'I'm actually planning on pursuing medicine, I told you that,' I said. 'I told you I was settling for second best with nursing, but that doesn’t mean that if I don’t get into medicine I’d drop my degree entirely.'

'Well this is news to me.'

It wasn't, we had had several conversations about medical school and how he'd support me. Now he was pulling it, opting for the least supportive option. I couldn't keep up anymore. It was getting too much for me to track. 

His face went red and his mouth pulled into a tight frown. I was trapped. I pulled the blanket that was around me tighter, covering more of my head, to form a barrier from him. 

'What's the point of this then?!' He bellowed as he pointed between himself and me. 'I thought we had a plan.'

'We did, we were on the same page and now we aren't,' I said. 'It was never my dream to be a stay at home anything. You keep bringing up kids, but I don’t even know if I want any myself.'

That was a lie. I wanted kids. But not now. I was only twenty-one with my whole life ahead of me and a career I so desperately wanted. This wasn't a man I wanted to be tied down to for the rest of my life. I couldn't do that to myself, not when I have things going really well for me. 

I barely knew myself anymore. 

All my life I wanted to be a doctor. I knew my specialty was destined to be paediatrics by the time I was fourteen. 

Being in my head for the past several days had caused quite the kerfuffle. The push and pull between medicine and nursing was proving to be a challenge, but so was Kaleb. All I felt was exhaustion.

I missed who I was before everything happened. 

Abuse, bullying; it changes you. I hadn’t been me for fourteen years. 

Who am I? 

What am I? 

Why am I here? 

Anger was bursting at my seams, but I tried to contain it. 

‘What the fuck has gotten into you?!’ He exclaimed. 

The sudden input of an explicative sent shivers down my spine.

‘I need to get out of here,’ I said slowly as I made my way off the dining chair, bringing my laptop with me.

‘Fuck you, McKenna. You clearly don’t fucking love me anymore.’

‘Who said I didn’t?’

I was face to face with him now. His warm breath hit my cheek as he continued to breathe heavily. 

‘Well you’re going back on your plan.’

‘No, I’m adjusting the plan to fit who I am, not what everyone wants me to be.’

But that was the thing. I kept saying that I am becoming myself, but truth was, I still didn’t know. 

Lost was an understatement. But that was the only way that I could fully describe how I felt. My brain wanted to succumb to the need for routine, not wanting to change its ways.

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

I paused, holding my open backpack in one hand, and I took a deep breath. ‘It means, I am over people telling me who I am and what I am supposed to do.’

‘That still doesn’t make any sense.’

‘Kaleb, I have always wanted to be a doctor. I —’

‘You’re a dumb fucking bitch, how are you supposed to be a doctor when you have no time for kids?’

‘I don’t want kids now, I don’t even know if I want any in the future. I’m twenty-one for crying out loud. I can barely look after myself.’ I shoved the rest of my belongings into the bag, and hurried toward his sliding door. ‘Oh and, F.Y.I., I am not dumb, I completed my degree with a 7.0., check your facts before trying to insult me.’

I stormed out, closing the sliding door with force, but not quite a slam. My legs carried me as best they could as they started to feel like jelly and my throat started to feel tight. 

‘I can’t believe I did that.’ I said to myself as I pulled out of the driveway with my seatbelt still resting beside my seat.

My hand gripped my Bluetooth device and I yanked it out of the cigarette lighter, tossing it to the floor of the passenger front seat. Thank God my phone was on silent, it was one last thing I had to deal with in the shocker of a storm.

Once I was out onto the road, I pulled on my seat belt. My windscreen wipers danced side to side quickly as the rain poured down. 

It seemed to be easing up. The hail had finally stopped. Though I wouldn’t have minded to drive in the hail, better than remaining in the house with Kaleb where I was at risk of further losing more of myself in this battle between my heart (true self) and brain (self-hatred over the past fourteen years). 

Driving was the best way to clear my head, but tonight it only continued my spiral of the 1) break up with him debate, and 2) do I pursue medicine?

I no longer had a partner that was in my corner. Instead I had a stranger. Kaleb was showing his true colours and the rose coloured glasses were coming off. 

Tonight, he scared me more than I wanted to admit aloud. I never wanted to repeat it out loud at all. But it was getting too hard to hide now, his balled fists, the vein in his forehead … he was straining himself to not throw a punch. It was blatantly obvious. 

I had to leave. I just didn’t want to on account of normalcy. This was normal, wasn’t it? 

‘Dylan wouldn’t treat me this way. He even wants to aid in getting me placement in Adelaide.’ I said to rain hitting my windscreen. ‘But he could just be saying that before he leaves me in the lurch like Kaleb.’

I wanted to talk to people not just my parents about my tug-o-war in my brain. As much as I loved Aster and Dylan, friends were the worst backstabbers of my life. I lent on them more than my folks back in the day, and they were just as quick to leave me or throw me under the bus. I felt more lost than I ever had.

‘Talking out loud seems to help. So let’s try this again.’ I took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly. ‘I want to do medicine. There’s no doubt about that. So, I sit the GAMSAT in a few days, I just sat the UCAT so my score should come back soon. Then it’ll be a matter of getting interviews for the universities I applied to. I got this, can’t make any decisions until I have any of my scores back.’

My parents and I agreed to take time off before getting a job and focusing my effort towards the GAMSAT and UCAT. That was the best decision I made. My practice tests went quite well so I was hoping that they translated into the actual exams.

‘As for nursing, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to take on a part time job after the GAMSAT? It would allow me to have a foot in the door. It’s a start.’

Just need to remember that the only person whose opinion matters to me is my own. Not anybody else’s, especially Kaleb’s. I have found myself, now it’s just a matter of unlearning the bad habits, and incorrect thinking, as this relationship is most definitely not normal.