Should I Stay?

They made me from sticks and stones, so why do I feel like jelly? I can’t quite remember why I came back now, I was good and far away…

I glance in my rearview mirror, debating if I should just turn around. I am not welcome, that’s a fact. But, mother wanted me there…

So I will be there. That’s that. I just can’t help thinking of the last time I visited, Christmas Eve, 2 years ago. That was a scandal in my small town. I left my family to handle the gossip… and now here we are.

I really should not go! It will be disastrous! Mother only thinks that she wants me to see her, but I think once I arrive and stay for a few hours, she will send me off. She does not want to see me… or maybe I do not want to see her, in her current state. Does that make me selfish? Not wanting to remember my mother as a frail sheet of paper, pale as chalk and surrounded by beeping machinery? I think not. But she asked me to come… what will that mean? What does she have to say? What do I have to say? And my sisters? Father? Surely they will demand I return home? They do not want me around, that is for certain.

I suppose some may have forgotten me, but I can’t face those who have not.

Oh, dear troubled Alissa, the one who didn’t marry? The one who has a tattoo?

Yes, they only see me as trouble. Perhaps they are right! Will I turn around? My hand hovers over the blinker switch, I let off the accelerator. I realize I have been going 100 MPH. As I contemplate a U-turn, my phone rings.

I stare for a few seconds. No caller ID. That might only be…

I slowly pick up the phone, my thumb trembling as it hovers over the answer button. I steel myself and press it.

“Hello?” I nearly whisper.

“Alissa. It’s Jaymie.”

I freeze. My eyes go blurry and I barely have time to swerve back into my lane before I ram into the side rail of the road.

“Alissa, are you coming? Mother… she isn’t doing well. The doctor says… She said we barely have days left. Maybe 2.”

I grip the wheel, biting my cheek hard, using the pain as focus. Yes, I am going. I must.

“I am two hours away.” My voice breaks.

I hear my sister sigh. With relief or disappointment, I know not.

But I will go. I must.

As I pull into the worn cobblestone drive, my face contorts. Too many memories. I sit for a moment, gazing at the cloudless sky.

My mother may die tomorrow. I may dread tomorrows date for the rest of my life. Should I leave, should I stay.

I push the door open, and count the clicks of my steps as I approach the house.

1…6….11…..24…

knock, knock.

JAYMIE

I clench my fists at the noise. My mother locks eyes with me. She nods at the door and attempts a weak smile.

I stand up and turn on my heel, walking swiftly to the door. My hand hesitates on the doorknob as I see the silhouette through the stained glass. I shake my head and twist the rusty knob.

Alissa. I see the terror she tries to hide, but it’s clear behind her eyes.

She looks different. Healthy. Put together, for once. I smell the perfume that used to fill our shared room as children, and an odd sense of de Ja vu numbs my mind. Her ginger hair is in a slick ponytail and she is wearing black converse and blue jeans

I internally shake my head and nod at my sister. Her emerald eyes flit behind me, and she tenses. I assume she sees the foot of mothers hospital bed.

I am about to let her in when I hear loud, clunking footsteps behind me.

“Alissa”. Father murmurs in his scratchy voice.

I see that little muscle in her neck twitch. As it does when she is stressed. As does mine.

“Hello, father” she nearly whispers. Her voice is hoarse and rough, as though she has been screaming. Or crying. Perhaps both.

Father puts his hand on my shoulder and gestures to mother. I take the hint and leave them be. I look over my shoulder to see Alissa’s face, suddenly blank. I hear the tones of their voices float in through the door way. The door shuts gently and two similar sets of footsteps make their way to the bedroom.

Mothers face lights up.

ALISSA

I am biting my cheek so hard that it bleeds. I follow father down the familiar hall and work to keep my face calm.

as we enter the room.

I see Jaymie’s pale freckled face, then my other sister, asleep in the thick maroon armchair in the darkest corner of the room with robin egg walls. Lilliana has dyed her hair blue. Her normally thick, red lips are pale. Jaymie stands and hastens to Lilliana. She gently shakes her and whispers into her ear.

Lilly groans and stretches her arms over her head.

“Hm?” She sighs.

She does not look the same. Her young, dewdrop face is now worn and tough. Her legs are longer and her brown eyes more sleepy. And then her eyes lock on mine.

LILLIANA

I was having a most wonderful dream. Mother was well and we all were having a pleasant family dinner which Alissa cooked.

Then someone called me away and I awoke.

“it’s time to wake up” Jaymie whispers.

I stretch and groan, looking around. And then I double take.

my eyes attach to those bright emerald ones. I rub my eyes and squint, as I must be mistaken. But she stands there, not an illusion.

Alissa.

I sit up straight and my eyes flick around the room.

Mother, Jaymie, Father, Alissa.

I pinch my forearm, just in case I am dreaming still.

I am not. I stand up and and rush to my sister. Her mouth twitches. I reach for her arm and pinch it. Hard.

“Ow! What the hell!” Alissa yells.

“You are real! You’re here!” I grip her shoulders and steer her to the chair beside mother. I herd the rest of the family out. Mother and Alissa need time, I know. So do they, and they don’t resist.

ALISSA

I stare after Lilly, confused. Then I bite my lip, avoiding looking at mother. I feel her rest her hand upon mine.

“My dear. I have missed you.” She smiles at me.

I force my face into a smile. I am happy to see her, yes, but she must cast me away at some point.

“Hello mother” I smile.

she lightly squeezes my hand.

I begin to tear up. My mother is going to die.

The tears stream down my face. Mother tuts and slowly wipes my face dry.

“I am so sorry, mother. I never meant to disappoint you!” I sob.

“Honey, you never did. I am proud of who you have become.”

I close my eyes and slow my breathing. My family doesn’t hate me… my mother loves me. My mother is going to die.

I shut my eyes tight and climb into the bed with her. I have her eyes. Her smile. My mother will never truly die, not while she remains loved. Just as she loves my family.

We both doze off.

When I wake, the gentle light of the morning lights the room. It is oddly quiet, aside from the singing of the birds in the trees outside. Something has changed, of this I am certain. The machines have quit beeping and my mother is gone. I realize that I am not in my parents bedroom, but in my sisters. The silky comforter holds little warmth and my mind is peaceful. And then I realize that I am not where I am supposed to be. I sit up and dart out of bed, down the hall, and into my mothers room.

Jaymie and Lilly sit on the carpet in between the bed and chair, leaning on each other. Jaymie is running her hand along the cotton sheets on the empty hospital bed. Lilly sobs on her shoulder.

I fall to my knees.

My mother has died.

should I stay, should I leave.

No, I must stay.