No Turning Back Now

Ever since I was a little boy, I wanted to become an astronaut for NASA. I wanted to go into outer space and see it in all of its glory. The Moon, the Sun, the Stars - all of it.

If you saw a picture of me in my room as a kid, the only thing you would see would be my terrible drawings of me in space, glow-in-the-dark stars plastered to my ceiling, and the Planets hung around my room, dangling from the ceiling.

What a childhood I had.

When I was in high school, I still hadn't let go of my affinity for space. I excelled in Astronomy and took every course I could about it.

I met my best friend in grade 10 in an astronomy class. We both loved astronomy and he showed me his stories and drawings. His plan was never to go to space, which I found crazy, but to educate others about it.

I always teased him for that, but deep down, I admired his choice.

For the sake of your mental health, I'll skip the boring part of this story. Even though it was a rather joyous time for me, I'd rather not bore my readers to death. That wouldn't look very good on my resume.

Anyways...

Let's fast forward 15 years after I graduate from high school.

I became a U.S. citizen, I got my master's degree in a STEM field, I had three years of related professional experience, and I was able to pass the NASA long-duration flight astronaut physical.

It was hard, but it was worth it. I was handpicked to go to space and I'll admit this one thing: I was scared for my life.

The one thing keeping me sane was my best friend, Marco.

"Listen, you are going to be great. The best astronaut out there! Don't doubt yourself for a single second. Just remember man, you're never going to feel ready. All it is is a leap of faith.

Everything was perfect.

I had my friend, my family, and my life long dream right in front of me.

I was beginning to wonder whether something bad was bound to happen soon - and my suspicions were right.

I became obsessed with this goal I had: To break the record for the longest time spent in space. My problem was that it was over a year. A year spent without my friends and family. My family was proud of me, but Marco ignored me.

For weeks we didn't talk, and those weeks became months until finally, I showed up at his door and forced myself in to talk.

"I thought you would be happy for me!" I yelled.

"It's not that, man!" He cleared his throat. "You're leaving me for more than a year. After my first day of ignoring you, I wanted to run to your house and apologize. But I couldn't. And I still won't. You promised to be my best man and now what? You're just going to miss my wedding? I know you, Jack. You aren't this jerk who doesn't-"

"Jerk? Really? If that's what I am, then what would you be? At least I tried to repair this friendship. You just forced yourself out of it. I thought by now you would have chosen another person to be your best man."

"I did. But I told him to clear the spot later on. You're my only best friend. That spot was reserved for you for as long as I can remember. Don't you care that you're missing my wedding? And for what? To see space? Can't you postpone the trip? Ever since you became obsessed with your goal, you've barely had time to hang out with me."

"You don't get it! That's not how it works. The date is set. There's no turning back now. I can't leave. I've worked too hard - I've come too far."

Marco looked out the window and I could feel his heartache.

"You're wrong," He choked out after a minute of awkward silence.

"Wrong about what?"

"You can leave."

I stayed quiet not knowing what to say. What can I leave?

"Marco-"

"You can leave my apartment. We're done. It was good while it lasted." He turned and a single tear glistened on his cheek. I knew our situation was bad when Marco started crying. He never cries. Never.

"Done what?"

"Me and you. This friendship is over. I can't have a best friend who doesn't care about me. I was fine with you going to space but you really pushed it this time. I can't handle this anymore. Goodbye."

I stared at him in shock hoping he would take back his words but they lingered in the air.

I heard the door open behind me. Jocelyn, Marco's wife, was back from her nursing shift.

"Hey, sweetie. How was your day tod-" She looked from Marco to me and then put her bag on the floor. "What happened here?"

"Nothing. Jack was just leaving."

I took one last look at Marco before I walked away. He was avoiding my gaze and walked into the kitchen to begin preparing for their dinner.

"Yes. I was just leaving." I struggled to say the last words and hold back my grief but I forced it out. "Goodbye," I said as I ran out the door to my car.

I had just lost the best friendship I had ever had. Nobody understood me like Marco did. How could I have been so stupid?! I let him walk away. I ignored him. I paid no attention to him. God, when was the last time we hung out?

I know what I did was wrong, but I didn't know how to fix it. I just convinced myself that it was his fault for not being able to be happy for me. It was his fault for not being able to deal with it.

Every time I look back on it, I feel terrible.

Finally, it was the day. We were going to launch into space.

I remember sitting in my seat thinking about how there was no turning back. What I did was in the past and there is no point changing it. This was my future. This was my destiny. I did my best to forget about Marco, but it was extremely difficult. After all, he was the closest relationship I had ever had with somebody, and my obsession with my goal was the cause of its end.