The End Before The Beginning

Gasping and reaching out for non-existent air. Stretching towards the light but to no avail. I can’t end like this. I still haven’t bought my house or had my kids. Wake up! Wake up! WAKE UPPPP!

Suddenly, the water levels reduced and I was laying in my bed. It was really moist. Too moist. They kept trickling down my back. The never-ending chills. It happened again.

The third time in one week. I don’t know what intervention I needed but I needed it fast.

I managed to drag myself out of bed. Slowly but surely. I had to shower and prepare myself for another long day in the office. Having just begun, I should have had some excitement. Even if it was just a tinge of it. I dreaded it. How do you manage to sit still for eight hours?

The warm water made ripples and they seemed to entertain me in a dance. Left. Right. They kept swaying as if enticing me to join them. It was calming to watch. Reminding me that I am still human. I’m still here. Gotta move Martha. Between my eyes and the great canyon, the only difference was that one had an ending to it. I probably shouldn’t have looked at myself in the mirror. I wouldn’t have scared myself. Walking out of the bathroom, I felt the grumble. I think the neighbours felt it too. I knew I had to. I just couldn’t get myself to.

Going down the steps took a lot of effort than was considered normal. I had to move if I was to leave my parent’s house by the end of the year.

“Hey mom,” she seemed to have seen a ghost. 

“Martha! Heyy baby. Breakfast?” She had hope written all over her face. How could you let her down?

“Yeah sure. What’s for breakfast?” She smiled.

Hope.

“Eggs and toast. Go ahead and take a seat,” She was nervous. She expected me to move as if she never spoke. Serving with a nervous chuckle, she popped the big question, “how did you sleep?”

If freezing was a person, it would have been me. I knew she heard the screams. The gasps and sobs through the night. Of course, she did. Thud. Thud. Thud.

He was up.

“Good morning ladies,” his smile shrank just a bit or I was probably dreaming. I knew he always wanted me to leave. How could his twenty-one-year-old daughter still be living in his house?

“I see you're up,” He ran his hand through his matted hair. It was my time to leave. Standing, I gave my mom a kiss on the cheek and waved goodbye. Forgetting that I was to eat for her sake.

“Peter. I was making progress with her today. Could you at least try…”

I closed the door making no effort to turn back. Sometimes, if you keep moving, you forget what you left behind. 

Taking my bicycle, I strategically placed my phone and headphones and began the ride to Jeff’s and Jefferson’s Publishing House.

Sometimes music is an escape from reality. A healthy distraction from everything around you. It deafens the noise and numbs out the pain. It was my safe haven. I got lost in the words that I hadn’t realized I was close by. Parking the bicycle at its designated shed, I unplugged the headphones and walked into the massive dark building. It had to be the largest in town. Walking in, the familiar scent of old books and papers hit me. On days I had energy, I loved it here but ever since I lost it, it seemed like a chore I had to tick off the list. The walk to my office seemed long enough till the familiar voice. 

“You look better today,” He stated with a smile. He had a gorgeous smile with perfect symmetrical teeth. His skin tone was probably the best I had ever seen and his eyes. Those gorgeous eyes were like an endless sea that one could get lost in while trying to figure out what they were trying to say.

“You need to find new conversation starters,” I said with a half-smile. He saw right through it.

“Is it getting worse?” His eyes lost their glow. His smile dropped leaving him with furrowed eyebrows and worried eyes.

I gave him a nod while staring at the perfectly tiled floor. His expression would leave me wounded. Don’t cry. Not now.

“It pains me to see you like this,” He was genuine.

“Wish I could take it all away from you just to see you happy,” He knew what to say every single time.

“It’s not your fault. It’s just that…” My voice gave in. I couldn’t hold it anymore but I wouldn’t let him see them fall. Before I could move, there were screams from outside. Someone was on the ground. She had long blonde hair that seemed oddly familiar. Where have I seen that from?

I inched closer. He held me back as if protecting me from danger. I couldn’t just stand there. Her hair looked oddly familiar and I had to know who she was. One step. Another. Make it three.

The closer I got, the nervous I became. What if I wasn’t ready to know? What if I wouldn’t be able to handle it? Still, I inched closer. 

My stomach dropped and my body was along with it. It can’t be her. Please don’t let it be her.

She slowly turned as if sensing my presence and giving me a smile. In her hand, a brown bag and a note. Opening my mouth thinking that words would fall out. Holding her thinking that it would stop the blood. Moving closer thinking that it will give her peace. Till my lungs started caving in and everything went hazy. My vision was blurry and my breathing was heavy. He held me, Thomas, my knight and shining armour but even he couldn’t save me. “Don’t forget to smile. Love, Mom.” Were the words written in the note. 

Not like this. Please, not like this.

Gasping. Reaching out for air that seemed to have disappeared. I can’t go like this. Not before I make her proud. Just like it happened in my dream.

 This is my worst nightmare.