Love In a Guesthouse

I was 23 and didn't know love. I never experienced the feeling of being loved. Oh, but how I craved it.

I searched for a short time, running into mistakes along the way. Many mistakes. Do I regret them? Maybe, at times. But they lead me to something that I thought I would never experience in this lifetime.

I thought closeness, physical closeness, was what was going to make me fall for someone. But the times we spent together, just hanging out, getting to know each other, getting to know each other's cultures, that was what made me fall for you. It didn't start out as something but it ended in something that I can't fully comprehend. Was it really love for me? When I think about it, yes. Was it ever for you? I don't think so.

I had only arrived a short time before. I was nervous, excited, and a little confused at times. I was experiencing something completely new and it felt like an adventure that I never would have had. I already knew enough to get by so I wasn't completely lost. But finding you had helped me find my way.

The guesthouse at the end of the street, by all the small shops and restaurants, across from the arcade that lit up until late into the night, early into the morning, was where I knew I was meant to be. It gave me the chance to see places I had only ever seen in movies or shows. It gave me the chance to try food I never would have eaten if I stayed where I was. It gave me the chance to meet people I would never forget.

It was a night like all the others. Exploring up and down for hours and hours until we couldn't walk anymore. There were so many lights. So many people wandering the streets, searching for the latest trends in fashion and food. People in the streets dancing and singer. So many things I never saw before. I was new there and didn't know much. I spent the days with a loved one who joined me in the travel, trying to figure out our way among this new culture where we felt more at home than ever.

We were tired and decided to head back and rest for the rest of the night. After I put everything I bought away in my room, I got dressed into something comfortable. I grabbed my laptop and headphones and walked to the seat by the window to listen to music and look at the people below who were just starting their night.

You saw me sitting with someone else who tried to get to know me. We didn't talk but I knew you were there. I can't recall the moment we met but maybe it's because it felt like we knew each other forever. You showed me around, taking me to places that I still think about every once in a while. When I get the chance, I will return to those places and relive the moments. You left, but the memories haven't.

The cafe was my favorite place. Every night we sat together with new friends, eating bagels and unique desserts. Drinking iced coffee and iced peach tea.

I still remember when we went to Karaoke. It was my first time and I was so nervous. It took me until the end, but I finally picked up the courage to sing along. I wish I wouldn't have been so nervous.

That night, we walked around until the streets were empty. It felt surreal. Something that everyone fantasizes about. Something people watch in a romantic drama. I knew it would end but I couldn't help but imagine this happening every night.

Even if this sounds corny and may come across as as story, it's all very much real and true of how I felt and still feel. I never felt that way before. I didn't know how to describe those feelings. Just alive.

Although it was a short time together, I think of you often. Your name is brought up in conversations about nothing in particular. I see pictures I took that remind of the places you brought me. I still have the stuffed animal I won the night I cried over you. I still have the sugar packets of the cafe we frequently sat in. When I look at them, I feel happy and sad all at the same time. Somehow it feels like a dream. Something I imagined while sitting alone in my room.

You told me it never worked for others but was that just an excuse to push me away? Others have done the same thing to me before, but I thought you were different. Sometimes I wish I never met you. It would have saved me the heartbreak I would forever experience and the constant wonder of what you felt when you left me in the cold. I don't even know if it was me who did something or if it was going to be that way from the start. I made a fool of myself trying to know you better. Reaching out for no responses. Crying over you for a month of confusion, excitement, and regret. I was hoping I would find you again but I know that will never happen. Even so, I still hope. Am I wrong for that or am I just human? Whatever happened between us, I am grateful for every moment. You made me feel something I never thought I could feel.

I made mistakes even after you left but with each mistake, I thought to myself, "What could have been.?" Would I have made those mistakes if you stayed? Or if I went with you instead? I know it was impossible for me but if the circumstances were different, would it have been impossible? There are so many times where I wish I could just go back in time and change everything. If I knew then what I know now, everything would be different. Things would be much better and maybe I could have been with you. You have no idea how many times I have thought about those days and nights and how many times I regretted everything that happened after. So many times. The more and more I write about you, the more those feelings come back and I just want them to all just disappear forever.

Everything happens for a reason and meeting you was for a reason. I just wish I knew what that reason was. I hope you are happy where you are now and although it wasn't the same for you, I hope you still think about me every once in a while.

Although it was a short time together, you changed me completely. I hope I changed you.