The Illusion

An Illusion

Love, like lightening strikes randomly and without reason. In a moment everything feels lighter, brighter, butterflies flutter, the heart thumps, beating, beating ever quicker. Romance is in the air, heart strings are plucked tight and bodies shudder, shot through by newly tormented emotions. Love illuminates life, makes everything possible; well maybe, perhaps or maybe not. Love is neither real nor imaginary, it evades definition being more emotive than literary, as the bringer of light it surely opposes the harbinger of darkness!!!  

It was nearly the end of May, spring filled the air, the smell of freshly mown lawns filtered across a scented breeze. The sky was a mass of contrasting colours, a backdrop of cerulean blues contrasted with willowy white marshmallow clouds slowly edging laboriously towards the horizon. The weather forecast mentioned rain but the darker, grey sultry clouds had yet to put in an appearance. As the wedding party prepared to leave the church, gloominess descended, rain fell, lightly at first and then in large splodgy drops, splattering indiscriminately, soaking everyone it found. 

Marriages are like good adventures, they start out with the best of intentions, as a positive pursuit. Two people use that age old adjective of ‘love’, a lightening bolt strikes, sparks fly, a ceremony ensues and there you have it - a married couple all lightness and love and light. But hang on! that’s not right, marriages have dark spaces too, dark recesses, cracks and crevices where the blackest of secrets get buried, as the door closes the darkness ensues.

The heroine of this story is on marriage number two, the first one failed after 18 months the second has lasted many more years. On each occasion she imagined herself in love, her heart was alight with rays of sunshine, how wrong could she be! The realisation that married life was not what she expected happened quite quickly as hubby number two turned out to be narcissistic. He was easily the most egotistical and manipulative person she had ever met why had she not seen it before marriage, she had been blinded by the light, blinded by an illusion of love. To those observing the marriage from outsider he appeared as kind, easy going, loving, full of fun, it was our heroine who was seen as grumpy, always nagging and generally rarely cheerful. She was seen as the sulky one, the one with a face like thunder whilst he was seen as charming, light and bright. 

For some unknown biological or physiological reason the newly weds were actually sexually compatible and both of them mistook this attraction to mean they were in love. Now from the grooms perspective, groping, grabbing, cuddles and neck nibbling that lead to foreplay and then to the actual act of intercourse proved his undying love. Her organism was proof enough that he loved her, he was all sweetness and light on route to eliciting a romantic interlude, yet once satisfied, once his seed was spent he would revert to playing silly games on his phone, post coital affection completely absent. Our heroine recognised his obsession with sex, he was demanding, persistent more than forceful, but definitely applied pressure in order to satisfy his own desires. What started out in the light didn’t take long to morph into something more sinister, more tormented. She recognised he lacked any emotional radar, he was uninterested in anything that didn’t satisfy his needs, his wants, his passion, his desire, and as his wife she was visible to him only as a means to serve those needs. In order to cope within the confines of her marriage, she sought solace in the dark, in the shadows of her mind. It had become clear to her he never saw her, not the real her, he didn’t want to, it didn’t suit him, much better she remained invisible, seen only as a means to gratify him, not as a person in her own right.

Only a few months passed before she feel pregnant, it was planned, she had wanted a baby and nine months later a lovely baby girl was born. This was a turning point, she knew she wasn’t the centre of his world, she was not high on his agenda of people to support, or help, or love, she was there to satisfy his physical needs, to cook his meals and to say never mind when things didn’t work out for him. His life, his needs all took priority over hers. She had hoped the arrival of their baby girl, the light of lives may change things, just maybe, he would show that he loved her! 

The arrival of a beautiful bouquet of flowers gave the game away. They arrived the morning after her baby’s birth, they were the most magnificent flowers she had ever seen, her heart gave a hop as she thought he does care, he is showing he loves me, there is a glimmer of light, a slither of hope. She reached down for the card that was perched amongst the flowers and the words jumped out one by one. Congratulations on the birth of your lovely baby girl. Lots of Love, Julie and Dave xxx. Not him, the light that had been a spark faded. Then she saw him, he was approaching from the far end of the maternity ward, wondering in, smiling. In his hand was a bunch of withered flowers, they were drooping, they were all but dead. He offered a short apology, he had bought them at a garage on his way to golf but they’d wilted in his car. Well what can one say, our heroine had just given birth to a beautiful baby girl, he had been with her for the birth, watched from beginning to end and yet couldn’t fathom why his presentation of a dead withered bunch of cheap flowers had left her feeling hurt, resentful, unloved and angry, her mood sinking quickly into the darkness. She felt a surge of hatred flow through her body, choking her, grasping at her throat. Any gleams of light brought on by the birth of her daughter waning with the setting sun, eaten away by the shadowy gloom of hatred, the seeds of resentment had been well and truly sown. 

  Everyone around marvelled at the experience of having a baby, how wonderful it was, how rewarding. It is life changing for sure but when you are the sole career even within a partnership it takes a toil. It was hard, she was always tired, lonely, she had lost all self confidence as the darkened waters threatened swirled, light faded to darkness. Resentment ran deep and her thoughts were gloomier and murkier than ever. Post natal depression had not just set in, it now consumed her. The doctor prescribed valium which helped for a while and she would oft mix the tablets with alcohol which led to oblivion, to a nothingness she welcomed with open arms. When she reached the void, there was no pain, no sorrow and definitely no illusion of love. 

Two years passed before she found her way out of the darkness and of the valium. Yet that darkness, the depths of despair that engulfed her for those two long years have never gone away, they lurk, always ready to pounce. Time did not heal, time helped dull the pain, deal with the darkness and learn to come out of the shadows. The person she sees when she looks back, the one coping with the baby wasn’t her, it was someone else, someone who stepped out of her darkness and into light so that they could care for the baby. Yet when it was quiet, when she had time to breath, she would turn out the light, pull the curtains, darken the room and curl up in a ball the darkness had become her best friend. Her adopted persona seen by the outside world, was that of an ideal mum and a loving wife, the light of everyone’s life, yet deep, deep inside her darkness festered, devoured her from the inside out. At times all she wanted to do was lay down and die, to go to sleep and never wake, her darkness was unseen, hidden behind a shadowy mask. 

Yet she didn’t, something intangible kept her going, someone or something kept lighting a candle to guide her back to the surface, back to reality, and slowly and surely over a two year period with the aid of counselling and a depth of character she never knew existed she emerged from the depths of depression stronger, more determined. The darkness hadn’t gone though, she just learned to control it, to use it, to make it her own. She could now see the light, touch the light, be in the light, yet while this may seem a nice place to be, it wasn’t where she was comfortable, it wasn’t where the real her wanted to be. Darkness was her comforter, it was a place where no-one could see her, she had hidden her real self for so long she wanted to keep her there. This was her hiding place, her dark space no one else’s, it was a place to retreat to where she could nurture the darkness within. 

When the baby grew up and went to school our heroine returned to her local university and completed a degree. Her husbands comments till ring in head, he told her quite bluntly, ’happy for you to do a degree as long as it does not interfere with my work or my sport’ in short ‘his pleasure’! Well what can one say, of course she went to university…

  Our heroine was nothing if not resourceful and so with the help of other mums and swapping and sharing child care duties she eventually got herself a degree. Throughout her three years of study her husband showed no interest in what she was studying, any people she met nor indeed anything she might be doing. On her final evening at Uni, the results were posted and she enjoyed drinks with friends. She had gained a 1st class honours degree and was happier than she had been for a long time. The drinks flowed, gradually at first, then faster as the evening wore on. Friends gradually drifted away until eventually there were just three of them, a close mate on her course and an ex that she had recently bumped into accidentally. Her ex was normally quite quiet but drink made him chatty. 

Her uni friend left around midnight and she walked home with her ex intending to pick up a taxi from his house after a coffee. Well she is still unsure to this day how it happened, one moment they were on a main road with bright lamps shining brightly in each direction and the next moment they were down a dark unlit alleyway. Well what happened next changed her life forever! His arm went round her waist as she submitted to his firm body pressing against her and his soft warm lips tantalisingly caressing her own. His tongue slipped loosely gently caressing her lips, tickling her nose, nibbling at her neck, she was taken aback by his affectionate caresses. The darkened shadows of the alley way obscured them from prying eyes and before she knew what was happening he’d lifted her skirt, pulled her silky briefs to one side, pressed her against the cold damp stone wall which sent shivers down her spine as he slid firmly inside her, any shame, any inhibitions floated away lost in the darkness and stillness of the alley. 

This was her first extra marital encounter and it was thrilling, exciting and naughty all at once. It wasn’t really sexually satisfying as a quickie with ones back against the wall often isn’t yet there was a darkened intensity to the encounter, this was not the lightness of love, this was quite different, her first thoughts were those of revenge, not guilt. She had done something that would wound her husband, he would be beside himself if he felt his goods had been soiled. She held that thought in the darkness and cherished it.

It was 0200 when she finally arrived home hubby was already in bed, fast asleep and so she slipped into bed and snuggled down, sleep did not come easy. Her mind was racing and her body shaking, she felt as if someone had put a neon sign on head that was flashing with the words - adulterer, adulterer. When dawn broke and the first rays of light peaked throughout the curtains, her husband stirred. She breathed deeply excited by a satisfying knowledge of the revenge she had enacted upon him the night before. Would her face, or expression or demeanour betray her, she actually felt good inside, she felt light and happy. 

Her husband rose, dressed, picked up his phone to play his morning computer games and uttered a brief good morning. There was no inquiry about the night before, how well she had done in her degree, not a word, nothing. There was a short comment re how late she came in, but that was it. His eyes shifted as if bored and then turned and recited to her in detail each hole of golf he’d played the day before and how he had won his match, then as with any normal morning he left for work. There was part of her that felt angry, he didn’t care enough to even ask about her degree, but then the darker side gave her a nudge, the one that had enjoyed illicit sex in the early hours of the morning, this darkness brought about an illuminating thought as she realised she could essentially do what she wanted and never tell a lie. If he never asked she would never have to tell. 

She could feel the darkness inside growing, she enjoyed being naughty, it was exhilarating, liberating, she owned her body now, not him, she took pleasure in knowing that she had cheated. He never questioned her, nor asked about her days, he was so self absorbed, her life passed him by. Her darkness was her own and she had tamed it, used it and manipulated it. She understood what he required of her in terms of sex, childcare and cooking, the deal was clear, she didn’t want to leave the marriage there was little point, she had decided a long time before in one of her darkest moments that the grass is never greener. She could make the marriage work, but on her terms, releasing her dark side, feeding her feelings off revenge.

The dark side remains, it is still there, shadows lurk in buried corners, the need for revenge and retribution still strong, the urge to bury secrets has become second nature. No-one, not her friends, nor her family actually know who she is, what she is capable of and how she has lived her life for many years and at times in the darkest depths of despair. It is not the light that sustained her, it is the desperation of darkness. She doesn’t seek the light, for our heroine light and love bring pain, darkness and despair are easier to deal with, they are real. It is the depths of darkness, the unseen, unheard and unspoken that have kept her truly alive.