It is done

So many boxes. Ronald thought it was likely best to toss them all in the bin at this point. These forever residents of the garage have been moved from house to house, but he can't remember having opened even one of them in years. It's time to move them once again but not to another house. Now that he is “older” it's time to downsize. A rather nice 60 years and up community is the next and likely final address he will have. At 81 Ron is retired and living alone. He has no reason to maintain “appearances” with this overlarge home and its immaculately kept yards. Already gone are 3 of the 4 cars, the vacation home, and both boats. Last to go is this damn monstrosity of a house. He pulls the municipal garbage and recycling bins into the garage figuring he could dump the contents sorting along the way and use the boxes to pack things from inside the house. 

Less than an hour in he realized that most of this is work related and that some really should have gone back to the company when he retired - proprietary and classified info. Deciding that he is in fact better than the former presidents of the United States and with utter disgust for the endeavor, he settles into the task of actually looking at the contents instead of just tossing. This proves to be an oddly satisfying walk down business accomplishment memory lane. These long ignored boxes represent the whole of his career successes. Every award, every project lead, every glowing interoffice memo from before email ruined the art of proper appreciation. Decade upon decade of well-deserved ego strokes. Ron was enjoying this unexpected mood boost until he found IT inexplicably in the papers from the Johnson and Co buyout - one of his most lucrative and proud moments.

He has no idea how IT got in with this project synopsis. All these years have passed with him thinking he’d thrown IT away. Here IT is, taunting him, telling him he isn’t the leader of men he fancies himself to be. IT sits here before him like a cudgel manned by his former self, beating him over the head with the full weight of his few lifetime failures all at once. He knew what IT was before he even touched the envelope, and when he finally picked IT up a lifetime of regret hit him. Ronald is 81. He lives alone. He has no family. He has no friends. Here, in his hand is the reason why. This envelope is the embodiment of pain. He is repelled by it yet simultaneously compelled to open it. 

Dear Ron,

We said at the onset of this journey that we were either bravely stupid or stupidly brave to do what we were about to do. I willingly followed you across the country to build a life for us. I left everything behind for you. Honey, the jury is back. The verdict is in. Both are true - but only for me. You have done whatever the hell you wanted to, consequences be damned, and I have been brave enough and stupid enough to think you could love me enough to take me along for the ride. I accept that I was wrong. The only person you have ever loved was yourself and you proved that time and time again. I’m finally listening. I believe you. I’m choosing to act accordingly. Doing for you has net me only heartache so I’m done. It's time to get back to doing for me since I’m the only one who will.

Dani.

The most infuriatingly perfect woman he’d ever met. She cooked, cleaned, ironed his clothes just like he liked them, pampered his family, her smile was sunshine, she presented well, could converse on nearly any topic, she was highly educated… She made him look good. Everywhere he took her the whole room fell in love with her - even his mom - and that drove him insane. Her brightness dimmed his star and that was simply not allowed. He made sure to keep her in her place.

Sure, he said some things that maybe could have been phrased better over the years, but he told her at the beginning he did not coddle people and that included his partner. She chose him. Maybe could have been more forthright in the beginning. She may have found it helpful to know he was technically still married. That was a mere paperwork situation. Had nothing to do with them being together. Besides, once she knew she still decided to move forward with the relationship. That's on her.

Dani was forever accusing him of saying and doing things just to get a rise out of her - to start a fight so she would have a meltdown. Ron didn’t know why she thought herself so important. The worst was when she would demand apologies for perceived wrongs. As though how she took something was his fault. She was just too damn sensitive! Even if he'd done all the crap she liked to accuse him of, it was no excuse for what she’d done to him by leaving IT for him to find after she’d gone. 

Ron, I refuse to believe that you are so socially inept that you can’t figure out you are being an asshole. I refuse to believe that you don’t see an issue with your behavior. Since I don't believe those things, what you do and say is purposeful. It is clear that the only opinion you tolerate is your own. Clear that the only person you respect is yourself. Your behavior has been telling me this for quite some time and I have constantly made allowances out of love for you. Again, I'm done. 

Who gave her the right to say when something is done? She didn’t even try to talk it out. No discussion. She just left. She said, “I’ll see you later” when he got home one day knowing that she’d already packed what she wanted and was never coming back. She told a lie! He didn’t quit, she did. 

You don’t have enough respect for me to allow me to answer questions you asked. You don’t have enough respect for me to let me finish sentences. You don’t have enough respect for me to recognize that how you would say or do something isn’t the only way it can be said or done.  You don’t respect me enough to do things you already agreed to do. You don’t have enough regard for me to even care if you hurt or insult me. I actually think you like doing it. You don’t even have it in you to apologize when you are clearly wrong. Believe it or not, sometimes you are just wrong. It isn’t others feeling you may be wrong - it's just you being wrong and an adult would be able to own that. You cannot. You are unable to deliver an apology. Even getting caught in a lie you can’t simply say I’m sorry and I should not have done that. You come up with ten reasons you had no choice but the lie. That is a juvenile bitch move and I’m done.

There she goes again telling him what she is and isn’t gonna do. He told her all the time she couldn’t do that. Dani met his every need, but she didn’t listen at all. That and her thinking she had the right to tell him no were her worst qualities. This stroll down memory lane is giving him a headache. She was supposed to be in his corner, instead she called him a bitch, left him, and insulted him when he was at his career high. The Johnson and Co deal netted him almost a million in bonus that year. She was gone before the check hit his bank. No loyalty! 

I write because there is no point in talking to you. You can’t hear anything that isn’t your own voice. I left because the world, despite what you think, does not revolve around you. I wanted a partnership. Instead, I got the Ronald Show. I don’t want that. You are so self-centered that you can’t even acknowledge when others do well. I finally got published last year. Bet you can’t tell me where because you made it clear in the moment that you didn't care. You didn’t deign to read the article. You even tried to make my friend's death somehow about you. When it didn’t work you chose to start fights about it for months. You saw my attending to a dying person as an affront to you. You are broken and I am done.

It was an affront to him! She was gone for a month while her “buddy” languished in a hospital bed States away doing nothing. It's not like Dani was a doctor. He was unconscious most of that time, she did not need to be there. She should have chosen to be with him. Then there was her stupid mourning for months. He lost his father and was back at work the next day. What was her problem? Insofar as that stupid online publication… She got paid less than a hundred dollars. Why would he care? Ron thinks maybe he has been in the garage too long. He is a little dizzy. It's a nice day but he is a bit sweaty so he takes IT inside with him. He isn’t sure why.  He hates IT but he was always drawn into reading IT over and over. Self torture or something. He can’t figure out why the Ronald of all those years ago would leave IT in with papers related to his biggest success. Why remind him of winning it all and losing at the same time?

My finally landing a job where we moved to was the final straw. If it wasn’t clear to me before that for you this relationship was not about love but instead service for and deference to you, it was quickly discovered after I went back to work. You literally fixed your mouth to say that it was my job to take care of anything in the house. You use as a point of comparison doing the lawn or washing a car. Apples to rocks - that comparison is apples to rocks. Lawns are done maybe weekly, and you wash a car when you freaking feel like it. Conversely, the household items are daily maintenance. Apples to rocks! You are gone working 9 to 14 hours a day. You come home and do nothing most days of the week. Then you toss in the lawn and your car eventually. Sounds good. I am gone 12-14 hours a day working with my commute. When I come home it is perfectly acceptable for me to do very little - just like you. When I am off I clean the house, you do the lawn. When I am free I do some laundry - you wash a car, I cook - you…, I fold and iron your clothes - you…, I clean the kitchen when I use it - you…

I see a pattern here. Look, if you want a maid that occasionally sleeps with you, that's great. Hire one. I was looking for a partner and I thought you were too. In a partnership, it is understood that if both parties work then the running of the house becomes a group effort. If you are so determined to be served that you will live in filth waiting for someone else to clean up behind you then that is a you problem. I’m not killing myself to keep you warm. I’d do it to keep US warm, but what you want is all to my detriment and solely your gain.  I don’t think you care about the US of this, and you have made it clear you don’t care about the ME of this. I accept that and I am done.

Ron hated when Dani got into her holier-than-thou rants. The house was her job. She was the woman, and he made more money. It’s very simple to understand yet she didn’t.  He is sure she just wanted the princess treatment. All pretty women think they should be treated like royalty. Well, what about him? Doesn't he deserve to be pampered too?  Those few boxes he lifted out there must have been heavier than he thought. His back, neck and arm all hurt now, and he is still sweaty despite coming inside. 

You told me once that my words were unnecessary. That was ugly. That was utterly disrespectful, and intended to hurt. Accepting that you clearly don’t give a damn when it comes to me makes me second guess everything. We have been together for six years and I have never met your grown children or grandchildren. You blame them, call them golddiggers, and say your ex turned them against you. I believe that is a lie. What did you do to them? Half your siblings don’t talk to you. What did you say to them? You reference old friends but have none in your life. How did you hurt them? My only proof is how crappily you have dealt with me but I am certain you destroyed those relationships. You are at fault.

You have a meltdown every time I suggest you are wrong about anything so go ahead and have your damn temper tantrum because you are a complete asshole and you are likely at fault in every failed relationship you have ever had. You Ronald, unless you change your ways, will die alone. If you don’t change you will deserve to die alone. I am equal parts angry with you and feeling sorry for you. I pity you because no matter what happens next in my life, my siblings love me, my daughter loves me, and I have friends. You have nothing and no one and that's currently what you deserve. But you have time. You are only fifty-nine. You can rebuild some of those relationships, but you have to change. No one wants the current you. 

Change or die the saddest death- alone.

Why did Dani bring any of that up? None had anything to do with them. She can’t use his screwed-up kids to deflect her lack of loyalty! She can’t cover her lack of respect with his siblings living their own lives. How dare she?!? In disgust he tries to throw the letter across the room. Dani was the only person who could cause him to rage. Being paper it merely flutters in the air and falls near his feet. Then he sees it - writing on the back. His handwriting. Wanting to know what kind of note he would leave on IT he stands to retrieve IT. There is a list:

Call mom - get kids numbers

Call sisters regularly

Figure out where brother is - who knows

Find Dani - get her back here

Die a better death

As he sits back down his chest starts hurting. Gas? What has he been eating? He knows how it got in the box now. He was supposed to fix the situation. He had decided to change, then simply never did it. Instead of following his to do list he filed it and forced out the pain. Once mom passed there was no link to his kids. When his siblings started passing it just seemed pointless to keep up with those that remained. He had important things to do. A business world that adored him. What did he need brothers and sisters for? He found Dani once, she hung up as soon as she realized it was him. He tried her daughter once too. She said, “If you wanted to talk to momma, you should have kept her.” It was insulting. It was humiliating. He didn’t try again. Who needs those uppity women anyway?  It isn’t until he realizes he is panting that it dawns on him what is happening.

The phone is in the next room. It’s a painful 30 steps. The pain is moving from his neck into his jaw now. Between the shortness of breath and the pain in his chest and arm he can hardly dial 911. “What is the nature of your emergency?”

“I…”

“Hello, How can we help?”

“I..h..heart…heart attack.”

“Sir, can you verify your location so I can get emergency services there as quickly as possible? I have this phone at 117 Victory Court. Correct?”

“I … Court…” Unable to remain upright now Ronald drops the phone as his body collapses. 

“Sir, 117 Victory Court? Sir!?!” He can hear the operator. He can’t respond. He gets it now. It’s getting dark. He finally understands. Sure, he has lived one hell of a life. Riches, accolades, adoration of the masses, travel, possessions, he had all that. But here, at the end. What does he have? A half-packed house, he just pissed his own pants, and he is alone panting in pain on the den floor.

“Dani…change…better…”