Life or Death

In my early years of childhood, I remember every detail vividly. When my parents were divorced. When my sister got into trouble for stealing their car and driving off with her friends to another state.

It's amazing how every memory that happened years ago is still imprinted in my mind, but I can't seem to remember what I had for breakfast.

When it comes to reminiscing things, I seem to get out of focus on the clearer image. I can recall certain events, but not everything is clear.

Like, when my mom started becoming ill, and it was life or death when it came to taking care of her, and the doctors told me that they did everything they can do, but I had to make a decision myself.

Life or death.

I had to make the decision on if I want my mom to continuing living life or let her die on the hospital bed.

When I told the doctor that he was out of his mind, and I couldn't make that decision, he reminded me that I was the one on making decisions for her. I was the only one, out of my family, to make this decision.

My dad passed, and my sister wasn't around.

It was all up to me.

And I didn't have much time.

Remembering back to my childhood; it was great. I had a happy home, family and I felt loved every day. I was a happy kid, and I made a lot of great memories.

But soon everything happy faded into sadness.

It took a turn for the worse, and I was stuck in the middle of it.

I wasn't sure what went wrong.

My parents seemed happy with each other, but one day after school, I got off the bus to the home that was destroyed overnight.

It confused me, at a young age, on why this was all happening.

My parents didn't know what to tell me. I was only seven at the time, and didn't know much about relationships or marriage.

Not even divorce.

So, when parents tried telling me that they no longer wanted to be a family, I didn't know what to do. I was raging and throwing a tantrum before trying to run away.

I begged my parents not to do this, because I knew kids in my class that were going through the same thing, and they didn't seem happy at all.

I didn't want to be like them.

I wanted a family.

But my parents both sat me and my sister down to talk to us about all of this. I remember my sister not caring, but I was crying my eyes out as I sat in my mother's lap, clinging to her neck, begging her not to do this.

It was at that time I knew that my family and happiness was over.

As I sat in that hospital room, looking over at my mother, I was on the edge of crying. I looked at her body, laying there, struggling to survive as I was wiping the tears from my eyes with my shirt.

I didn't want to do this.

It shouldn't be an option to do this to your own parent.

They should be able to help her.

Why do I have to make the decision?

The doctor came in a few times, telling me that I needed to figure out what I was planning on doing because time was running out.

But I continued to sit there, staring at nothing, with so many thoughts running through my head. I was lost, confused and angry with everything around me.

I wanted to scream, cry and throw a tantrum, but as an adult, I remained calm.

My thoughts were all over the place, and I was running out of time.

"Tell me what I should do, mom." I spoke as I stared down at her. I knew she couldn't hear me or speak to me, but I was lost at this point. I needed something to tell me what to do before I made the wrong decision.

This decision that I was about to make was going to break me into a million pieces.

I knew that if I chose to have my mom saved, then she would suffer for the rest of her life.

But I chose to let her go then I would suffer for the rest of my life. Although she wouldn't be suffering anymore.

How I wish that I wasn't the one to make a decision like this. I wish I could go back in time to when I was a kid, save my parents' divorce, then try to figure out when my mother got ill, so I could try to save her as well.

But it was too late, and this was the time now to make the decision.

As time went by, I stared by my mother's side as I held her hand. I looked down at her as tears were pouring from my eyes, then the door to the room opened.

The doctor walked in, then we made eye contact. I saw him walk towards me as I kept my eyes on the woman who birthed me and taught me everything I needed to know in life, laying in the bed that was making her suffer.

"Do we have a decision?" The doctor spoke towards me, but my eyes remained on my mother.

"Yes." I said as tears were staining my cheeks.

"And what decision have we come to?"

"I'm sorry, mom." I whispered as I leaned down to kiss her hand. I held it tightly as I pulled away, then felt tears roll down my cheeks. "I want her to not suffer anymore. So... end her suffering." I spoke through tears, and the doctor walked out of the room a few moments later.

In that moment, I knew that I made the right decision, but at the same time, I knew that I lost everything my life had to offer. The woman who birthed me, and taught me everything I needed to know.

She was no longer suffering, but now myself was suffering for as long as I am breathing.