Blurred

Seeing the blur of passing nature outside is hypnotizing. Relaxing. The only moment of peace I have is being on this train and taking the 45-minute commute to work and back home. Neither destination is exactly a paradise. At home, I have a whining toddler and a whining husband—both demanding my attention as soon as I walk through the door. Asking a million questions and wanting assistance with the smallest things; where is my juice, my toy, the remote, my shoes? Ugh. But also not much different than work. There, I cater to the boss as his executive assistant. I do not get paid enough to handle horrible clients, his horrible attitude, his disgusting dry cleaning, and arguing with the Chinese place downtown when they get his order wrong. I run both ships and barely have time for myself. Speaking of, I bow my head down to sneak a sniff at my pits, and dammit. I forgot deodorant. Again. 

I sigh, well now I’ll be damned if I don’t enjoy every minute of this train of freaking peace. If there is one thing I can count on is that no one expects anything from me here. Even the commotion around me is soothing. Like white noise to a baby. I notice that my song ended as I look down on my phone, scrolling through my iTunes to match my mood, when I notice a couple sitting to my right. New to this commute. I have never seen them before but they are obviously arguing. I let out a small groan. These things are so annoying to us regulars. 

As I scan the carriage, I see our usual group that I affectionately call; Bald Guy, Bagel Girl, grad students Nerd 1 and 2, Nap Guy, and Suit Guy. I don’t know their names and I don’t want to know their names. And vice versa. I look back at the young couple. I’m surprised I didn’t notice them earlier. They are both very good-looking and look wealthy. I can tell by the fact she is dressed so casually preppy. With Lululemon-like leggings and designer sneakers with a long-sleeved shirt and vest. Her dark, shiny blown-out hair fell perfectly around her heart-shaped face. Looking annoyed as she moves her long curtain bangs behind her ears, revealing large diamond studs. Her dark brown eyes dart around, seemingly embarrassed by her husband or boyfriend. He has his head bent low but he’s talking animatedly. Dark, dirty blond hair cropped short but neatly trimmed he has dark green eyes fixed at her, narrowed. Pissed. She shakes her head at something he says and he roughly grabs her by the arm pinning her slightly back. It happened so quickly it made me physically startled by the aggressiveness of it, and I let out a gasp. 

His intense gaze snaps over to me. I’m caught. We lock eyes. I quickly look back down at my phone. My cheeks burn from embarrassment as I feel the heat of his stare. My heart is racing and I start to silently beg him to forget about me. I summoned the courage to look back up and he shifted slightly away from her but I saw her other hand gripping her seat tightly, knuckles turning white. He looks like he is still pinning her arm, maybe even hurting her. 

I discreetly look around to see if my comrades have noticed this interaction. It doesn’t seem like it; Bald Guy looking at his phone, Suit Guy is a newspaper, and Bagel Girl is absorbed in her latest romance novel. Nerd 1 and 2 look like they are doing school work and Nap Guy, well, is napping. Great, leaving me with this responsibility. Rubbing the bridge of my nose I sigh. I’m not sure what to do. Should I say something? Get up and tell the Conductor, maybe? I want to sneak another peak at the wife/girlfriend but I don’t want to get caught again.

I fix my attention back at the window and turn off my music. I don’t hear any yelling, which I think is a good sign. Just the common noises of the train. I can see her reflection through my window and her hands are still tightly on the seat but she is staring straight ahead. I see the side of his face, mouth not moving. His hand was still on her arm. Maybe he stopped arguing with her when he noticed me watching. The thought of it makes me relax a bit and at that moment the Conductor comes by. Doing his regular rounds. 

“Alright everyone, you know the drill,” he says, bored. 

Ticket time. I open my wallet on the phone and double tap my ticket holding it in my hand patiently. He moves to the couple first. The husband/boyfriend is all 

smiles as he hands over his phone. 

 “ Been doing this long? “ He asks in a smooth voice. 

The Conductor scans his barcode, “ Long enough” He huffs. 

He is still smiling and starts making small talk for a few minutes. Their voices are low but suddenly I see the conductor throw his head back and laugh at some joke. The wife/girlfriend is looking up at him with a tight smile that I can see is fake as press on nails, looking tense, but the conductor doesn’t notice. Her eyes dart back and forth between him and her arm which the husband still has firmly in his grasp. 

But the conductor slaps his knee, “ Oh, man that is true, son. That is true. “ Giving him back his phone, “ Have a nice trip, alright.”

“ Thank you , sir. Have a good evening. “ he says as he pockets back his phone. 

His wide grin stretched tight, making my skin crawl. This guy gives me the impression he’s used to fooling people for a long time. 

The Conductor moves on to us one by one. My eyes keep drifting back to the couple. The girlfriend/wife’s shoulders are slumped, she’s shaking her leg nervously, head bowed. She must have felt my stare because suddenly we make direct eyes contact as she snaps her head up. We both freeze in place, in panic. Her eyes shiny as she bites her trembling lip, breaking the spell, and causing me to look away. 

I watch the back of the Conductor leave our carriage and move on to the next. As if a switch went off, I hear a yelp. 

My head whips back and her hand is on her face. His is right above her hovering. “ Don’t you ever embarrass me like that again!” He says sharply. 

This got the attention of the crew. Everyone is staring at them now. Even Nap Guy wakes up.  

Hope swells in my chest as I see Bald Guy get up and walk slowly over to them, “ Everything alright, miss?” He asks. 

Her hand rubs her face as she looks over to her husband who smiles at him. “We are just fine, thank you. She just had a little accident. “

“ Doesn’t look like an accident!” Bagel Girl cries out, then quickly looks back down, as if surprised by her outburst. 

We all started murmuring in agreement as we all slowly became more confident. Now the husband/boyfriend is pissed. 

“ Why don’t you mind your own business. “ he yells angrily, charming facade now gone. 

“ Why don’t you leave this lady alone?” Suit Guy counters, backing up Bald Guy. 

“ Or what ?” He challenges. “ She’s fine. Tell them you’re fine, honey. “ He smiles sweetly at her making my hair stand on edge. 

She looks up through her eyelashes, avoiding direct eye contact, and swallows. Then quickly looks back at him before her eyes fall into her lap, “ I’m fine. It was an accident as he said. “ she murmurs. 

“ See? Now I would hate for anyone to get the wrong idea. Because if that was the case, we’d have a little problem. And I don’t want trouble, do you?” As he flashes something I can’t see to Bald guy from his coat pocket.

Bald Guy holds up his hands and backs up. Shaking his head, he and Suit Guy take to their seats. Everyone’s courage is now gone. The carriage goes silent. Slowly everyone resumes their activities as if nothing ever happened. Guilt settles into my stomach, like a heavy stone, as I go back to searching for music on my phone. Until I hear another yelp and I turn back to her. Nails digging into her thighs, he has her hair pulled back, whispering fiercely at her. Tears form in her eyes, her face in a wince, she finds me again and looks at me pleadingly. 

My body tenses, hesitating, and then an announcement crackles overhead. “ Please be advised we are 10 min away from the next stop. “ 

My heart starts to pound and the feeling of anxiety courses through my veins at the anticipation of what was waiting for me at home. The crushing weight of all my responsibilities falls on me as my body slumps from the overwhelming pressure. I break her stare, put back on my EarPods, and turn back to the window. Watching her reflection she is still looking at me with those wide eyes, my chest tight, I raise the volume of my music. Her reflection then blurs with the outside world putting me back into hypnosis.