You Can Run - Epilogue

It was a beautiful day, with sweet birdsong and not a cloud in sight, but Kendra couldn’t bring herself to appreciate it. One of the brightest souls had been burnt out, and the world should have been crying with her.

He always loved the rain.

She choked back a sob. Now wasn’t the time, she would be able to let it out when she got back to their… to her room. The hole where he had been wasn’t just in her heart, and although they hadn’t known each other for long, she couldn’t imagine life without him by her side. Just waking up was painful, when she couldn’t even pretend he was fine because the room was silent. Dead silent. She laughed, because the only other option was to break down and cry.

A white-knuckled grip held a few flowers, not quite enough to be considered a bouquet. Kendra remembered being prepared to beg for his books, to steal them if she had to, but she didn’t even need to ask before they gave them to her. She had read and re-read them for hours, looking for the right combination. Yellow zinnias: daily remembrance. Red zinnias: of the heart, steadfastness, familial ties, like the steady beating of a heart. Honeysuckle.

It had only been a short walk, but it had been the hardest thing she’d ever done. It would be wrong to say she had felt like she was walking to her own death – this was much worse. Soon enough though, she was walking up to a slab of grey in the ground.

Here Lies

Balram Juhith Anand

Loving Friend and Brother

"Love is both the greatest blessing, and the greatest pain"

Kendra reached out a hand tentatively, and almost buckled when she felt the cool, rough stone beneath her fingers. This was real.

Gently, oh so gently, she lay down the flowers in front of it. Even using the stone as a crutch, she felt like she could fall at any minute. Almost without thinking, she started to talk.

“So, it’s been a month since you…” She tried to say the word, but found she couldn’t. “Since that day. I don’t know if you already know this, but we won. I guess your little speech to the leaders really worked, because basically everyone showed up to fight. But I guess you know that bit. Um, after you… you know, everyone had already gone in, so I just followed. It was insane, people were fighting everywhere, and somehow we were actually winning! I’m still not sure how, to be honest, but I’m not questioning it too much.

“I killed him. Your dad. Maybe you already knew that. I know you always said he deserved to die, but he was still your dad. I hope you don’t hate me for doing it. Although, I guess there are bigger things to hate me for.”

Kendra sat down in front of the gravestone, legs crossed, and dropped the hand that had been holding it.

“You said that it wasn’t my fault, but it was. I know it was, and I’m trying to hold on to you saying it wasn’t, but it’s so hard. And I think the only thing keeping me sane at this point is that you said you still loved me, and didn’t blame me for any of it, but most of the time I don’t even have that. I’m so sorry.”

She wasn’t sure at that point what she was apologising for, but it didn’t really matter. On the last word, her voice broke, and when she spoke again it sounded off.

“Anyway, we won. I had the honour of destroying the machines, and in hindsight we probably shouldn’t have just done that. Let’s just say, there was a lot of confusion.”

She laughed weakly at the memory, but at the time it had been far from funny. People had been almost rioting by the time they had released a statement of what had happened, and things still weren’t completely fixed. She doubted they ever would be.

“It’s fine now though. The council runs the place now, with Sam as the one who tells the public what they’ve decided as a group. I’m not sure what else they do, but they seem to be good at it, so that’s all that really matters.”

Here, she took a deep breath, before continuing. “Jacob was the one who pushed you. They found that he had been a spy all along, and he was the one charged with your death. If you were here, I’d probably say ‘I told you so’, but…”

Another breath. “His execution is next week. They asked if I wanted to be the one who did it, as revenge for you. And I almost said yes, but how could I live with myself if I killed everyone you once cared about? I have too much blood on my hands, and I don’t want any more, however much they deserved it. I’m still going, though. I have to see that he’s gone. Closure, I guess.”

Kendra sighed, and stood up again. What was she doing here? She only came because Mike said it might be good for her. Still, she reached out a hand for the stone, and after a pause, she spoke again.

“Look, I know you probably can’t hear me. You can’t hear me because you’re dead, and I killed you. That’s not going to change. And I don’t know why I still have hope that you’re fine, that I’ll wake up and you’re there, and everything will be fine. I couldn’t even go to your funeral, for fuck’s sake! I guess that’s what this is really about, accepting that you’re gone and not coming back. I just… I don’t know how to cope without you.”

As she hung her head, having nothing left to say, she could swear she felt the ghost of a warm hug, with the words ‘I’ll always be here, but you have to keep living. For me,’ echoing in the wind. No-one could prove otherwise. And if she looked up at the sky and smiled a genuine smile for the first time since then, well, no-one could prove otherwise either.