Too Lazy, Ugh.

I want to study but I'm so lazy. But I have to study. But seriously, I'm too lazy. But if I don't study, there's a possibility I might fail. But if I study, I can't visit mom. What the heck? I can’t even decide. 

*

My schedule is getting red. Not the "full-of-holidays" kind of red, but more like the "full-of-hellish-days" kind of red. It's filled with the finals. You'll feel stuffy if you take a glance at it. But, yeah. This semester's schedule is annoying and pathetic. What can I do? 

Just two more weeks. Two more weeks that's gonna be filled with suffering and hurdles, racing with adrenaline and overthinking. After all that, I’ll be free temporarily from my four years life contract with my marvelous choice of path. I don't understand how I end up in this major. It's been years but I just recognize how I'm incompatible with my selection.

If only the realm of imagination can switch place with this realm of unpleasant truth, I certainly will rebel, planning to go on a journey of "discovering one's true identity" for myself. Regrettably, those thoughts are restricted outside the brain.  

It's not like my brain can't grasp all the learning materials that are given by the lecturers. And, it's not like I'm that dumb. I'm not a genius but I can keep up with everything well and clear. But I'm too lazy. Super lazy.

My midterm tests a few weeks ago, I didn't study that hard. And the results? Almost perfectly fine. My GPA was still healthy and sane. My parents were still proud. What about me? Of course, I felt overly satisfied. But now, it's almost the last battle in this semester, the mighty finals. And I'm too lazy to even touch the book. Not bragging but if I can survive the midterm, I can survive the finals too, right? Logically, yeah. 

Besides, I have other things to do. Mom's hospitalized after her surgery. As a dutiful, loyal, and affectionate daughter, my desire to visit and accompany her is much bigger than my desire to study. Actually, I can study while being with her. But it's not fun to do that, right? I'd rather have millions of conversations with her than to drown myself in papers and slides, ugh. 

But on the other side, there's a possibility that my grades will skydive without a parachute. I'm a bit scared that my scholarship will extinct, though now it's kinda in between the vulnerable and endangered lines. But seriously, it'll be so much better if I can secure my scholarship, won’t it? My parents will be even prouder. I can also build up a bunch of motivations that way. However, I'm super duper lazy.

The truth is, I want to be recognized as a brainy among my friends. My competitive side sometimes takes over my consciousness. I love love love it when my grades are much higher than my friends'. Parallel with that, I can feel so so so down when my grades are lower than theirs. I believe it's not just me, right? Haha.

Oh my god. It's just some grade. Just numbers. It won't 100% affect your future. I thought this way, sometimes. But why would people thrive hard for high scores if those won't influence anything, whether short or long term? Why did my teachers give appreciations to only clever students? I hardly saw any of my friends got praised at school. Even until now. The habit became a custom, and the custom became a culture. That's why being the best and brightest is a kind of responsibility to every homo sapiens. Though in fact, not all achievers turn out to be someone successful in the future. But then again, I'm competitive. I really want to keep this scholarship, these grades. I want to raise my GPA as high as possible. But the sloth in me says no.

But if I study, aside from not being able to be there for mom, I'll get stressed out, too. I'll overthink the results. One time, I couldn't sleep for two-three days because I was afraid that I won’t get “Exceeds Expectations”. If I study, I'll expect too much. Sometimes, I think it's better to not prepare at all. I won't overthink the outcomes, won't get my hopes too high. If I don't study, I can do lots of me-time, movies, games, just have fun. I won't get depressed. But still, it's just one more year till graduation. How can I not get depressed? If I don't study, and my grades got crashed, and I have to repeat a year, I'll get stress over stress over over-stressed.

Indecisive? Indeed. I'm like this. It's too difficult for me to choose. If this then this, if that then that, I want this but that. HAHAHA. Amaze of myself.

But gladly, after a bundle of reasoning and consideration, and of course, family boost, I decided to study hard, woefully. I'll visit mom every two days. I can't really focus on multiple things. That's why she asked me to not see her too frequently. "Just prepare yourself for the finals. I'll be much happier if you focus on your studies rather than just sitting here with nothing to do. Besides, you said it yourself that you want to get a cum laude, right? It'll be boring if I have to see you every single day. Don't overthink, don't overwork, just don't get stressed, okay?" she said. 

It's true. Mom's the best!

Her words of wisdom escalate my spirit. My decision to study is fixed. In two weeks, I'll study all out. I'll read everything, I'll gather everything, I'll summarize everything. All videos given and/or recommended by the lecturers, I'll watch it all. I'll understand and remember every single detail.

This time, I don't know why I feel overly confident. I'm sure that I can do everything. Though there are some crazy lecturers. Who knows what's on their minds in terms of grading? However, I still think I can survive every course with not-so-bad grades. At least, I'll get B+. I'm afraid, but I'm not. Just ... that. 

*

Two weeks were finally over. All went well. Mom went home and perfectly healthy. Like, everything feels too ordinary and too smooth. It's a bit sus. But who cares? All fine.

After waiting for a few weeks, the grades are out. I check it one by one. Guess what? Of eight courses, five are already out. The grades? A, A-, A, A, A-. HAHA. I’m the happiest human ever. 

The next day, another two come out, both A-. HAHA. I made the right choice to study hard. My family is glad, too. Probably much happier than me. 

Just one more. The course of the meanest lecturer of all, my favorite. And guess what do I get? C+. HAHAHA. C+. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? NOT AS CRAZY AS I THOUGHT. HAHAHA. 

This grade is lower than all my midterm grades. Just this. Honestly, this ruins everything. That's why everybody says he's crazy. He really kills people, from the inside. He lives to kill all the happy souls. HAHAHA. 

I knew it. No matter how big our effort, how smart we are, people with authority and power will always fix everything.

Guess he hates brainiacs.