I Adore You

I've always adored him. Even though I've known him for just short of three years, the first time I saw him I knew. That i hated him of course, he was rude, he was awful, he was arrogant and yes obviously all of this is my exaggeration to make him seem like he’s a normal human guy for once but no. He was the opposite of all that and I knew it. And that’s how I stupidly fell into his trap of seduction. 

Summer of 1999. Now I don’t know if you believe in all that number slang, but 999 is the indication of a soulmate, something I had long been awaiting. So of course, naturally, I dedicated the summer of 99’ to my lucky man. Mind you I had no clue who this man was gonna be or if it was even going to be a man at all but I was determined. Skip forward a few weeks, June 17. I received a letter. I recognize this handwriting. The ink is black and the penmanship is fairly messy, it’s written on an off white, flimsy envelope stamped with a little smiley face. I definitely know this handwriting. 

To my Valeria,

Hey Val. Been a while huh? Yeah I uh, I guess I should’ve reached out, I'm sorry. You remember that one park where we engraved our initials? I came by the other day to the park and they were still there! Crazy right? Anyways, I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about you. Maybe we can go get donuts soon? 

Your, 

Mateo

I can’t tell you my reaction to this as you have no idea who Mateo is or what this even means. So i’ll tell you. 

Mateo. Mateo was a boy I once knew. He stood just above 5’8 & had beautiful puppy dog brown eyes, they were such a dark shade at times they looked almost black (which i loved), He usually dressed in blue jeans and band tees, either a bomber or a denim levi’s jacket & always with a cigarette in hand. Oh yes, he was a boy I once knew very well. And a boy I could never forget. I remember the way his skin felt against my fingertips. He’d come over often and lay in my bed staring deeply into my eyes like the perfect boy he was. No one ever really knew of us, I guess we were more of a quiet bunch one would say. I don’t know it sort of felt right that way? Going to his house, him coming to mine and us just wasting away the last of our teenage years in our own little world. We were always downtown, we kinda just walked around, he’d light a joint or a marlboro red and put it in my mouth after he’d take his hit, throw his arm around me making sure I was secure. I loved the feeling of being smushed in the pits of his jackets, that was my favorite place to smell obviously. Mateo was a lot of things for me, oftentimes i hated him for leaving me so easily. I can never hate him for long because I understand. I knew it wasn’t because he hated me or because he was secretly in love with the coworker he’d been fucking, there wasnt anything behind it other than the fact that we didn’t know how to be with each other. Holding hands quickly turned into pointing fingers, laughter turned into tears, admiration felt like obligation. And none of it was true, but it was all we knew how to do and it all slipped from our hands, oh it slipped so gracefully paying attention to how each part of us fell on the floor. And I never saw him again after that. We spent almost three years together. And just like that, three years went by and it was all in the past. Or so I thought.

My heart sank when I read his words. I didn’t believe they were actually his, how could he be saying this? Is someone making a joke? But it was the truth, the handwriting, the stamp, it proves it all. I was overwhelmed with happiness just hearing from him alone and then this? THIS? I don’t understand how he could do this. I was done, I was finally done. For one moment in my life I was okay that you were gone, I was okay that you moved on, I was okay. My Mateo. He’s back. 

June 20. I met him at a little park in the center of town. We sit, we talk. We talked for hours actually. I can’t believe who’s sitting in front of me right now. He’s not the boy I used to know. He's got a little mustache and more tattoos. He speaks with a stern voice but it’s confident and quite charming. Oh he’s even more beautiful now than ever, god i could listen to him talk all day, about anything and everything I want my head to be filled with every bit of knowledge i can ever possess of him. He calls me “Val” just like before, but he’s saying it every chance he gets, which I quite adore. I missed him.

June 23. Mateo and I are back to our old selves, it’s almost as if no time has passed and I've just been floating around waiting for his name. He lights another cigarette & sticks it in my mouth telling me “ hang on for a second”. He walks inside this little family owned book shop that’s been on the corner of 5th street since before I was even born. God knows why he decides to go in there now at 8 o’clock, why are they even open at 8 o’clock? I stand outside the door for a few minutes taking occasional hits of his cigarette and swinging side to side watching foot traffic carelessly walk on by. Then pops Mateo, and to my surprise he’s holding a little pink origami swan. To my surprise I burst out laughing at such a gift, it was classic Mateo, he always had something up his sleeve. He throws his arm around my shoulder talking back his cigarette.

“Hey, you've been hitting this val?”

“Never me Mateo.”

Had I known it’d all fall apart again, I would’ve stopped it right there. But I didn’t. Days went on, weeks went by. Soon it was the end of August and I was leaving. Mateo knew I was going and made sure he’d spent every second with me. He took me out to bars and we danced for hours under cheap plastic neon lights,drinking mediocre wine. We smoked out every group we were in and laughed until our eyes started to burn. I’d stare into those eyes of his, always looking at the reflection that sat glazing over them so maybe I could get a glimpse into his world and how he saw things. Though I never could, that was always the thing about Mateo, He had a million layers and he hardly let anyone pick the corner to peel back one. And maybe the issue was everyone he was with never even knew he had layers besides the front he put on, but i wanted to examine every piece looking at all of the in between. I wanted to feel the depths of him, the lows and the cries or his sorrows, the adrenaline rush of his highs, I wanted to consume every single inch of him & I wanted to be consumed. As hours went by, and the sun began to set. The date came closer and our space became distant. We’d sit in silence and he’d hold me close and kiss my head after every fight, I think we both knew it wouldn’t last, it almost never does. We go back and remember all the times we’ve tried, all the times we’ve sat in our cars talking about what we could do, all those times you wiped my tears and I held your hand. I remembered them too and I knew there was nothing I could do. 

To my beautiful Mateo.

2005

Hey. Been a while huh?

I’m coming back home soon, maybe a few weeks. You know I couldn’t stop thinking about you since you took me to the airport. And to be honest, I really haven’t tried to stop. It’s a shame we never got to say those three words we always replaced with the words “ i adore you”. I was always so scared of losing you that i never wanted to say it in an effort to help when I did lose you. But now I sit here halfway across the map from you regretting those stupid three words I never said. 

How could I be so foolish?

It's always been you my Mateo, can I come home to you now?

Yours always,

Val