Redesigning people

Redesigning people

A lot of people say stupid things. Possibly because they don’t think before they talk, but more likely because they just can’t think that well. Stupidity takes a heavy toll on our economy and slows down scientific progress, because a lot of time has to be invested in trying to explain these concepts to people. Stupidity might even be increasing in numbers, because anybody can breed as much as they like. Stupid people are equally good at survival as smart people, and they often have more babies because they can’t think about consequences that well. Go visit a trailer park and see it with your own eyes. As a result, scientists have been retreating to their labs for many years already, to desperately search for a solution. And thank goodness they did. It’s called CRISPR, and because of CRISPR we may soon never have to face stupid people again.

CRISPR is the technology of modifying genes and changing gene expression. Because stupidity is often embedded in our DNA, there is hope that we can soon apply this technique to patch up human kind. Some people may only need a bit of DNA polishing, others some chromosome cutting, whereas yet others might require complete gene destruction. CRISPR technology cannot only make stupidity past tense, but could also cure laziness, ugliness, or even smelliness. The possibilities are endless. Imagine that, never having to share an elevator with unpleasing people again! Even though CRISPR is still in it’s infancy, I’m gonna go ahead and thank the scientists. We owe them bigtime.

Genetic modification has thus far only been applied to cure diseases. It can circumvent blindness, allergies, Alzheimer and many horrible illnesses that are currently untreatable. A very noble cause of course. But whenever it’s suggested that we can also use CRISPR to improve people who are perfectly healthy, it ends up in protests. It’s to do with ethics or something. But even though these protests can be loud, it’s nothing but background noise that will be silenced over time. History has always dealt with resistance, whether it was against machines, internet, democracy, or racial equality. Some individuals will always be afraid of change and rebel with a cause. Hopefully we can genetically filter that trait out too. Meanwhile, scientists quietly carry on while waiting for legislation to catch up.

Once the path has been cleared for redesigning people, a bright future lies ahead. Depressed people will be happy, fat people will be slim, and untalented people will be successful. We will no longer waste our neurons on astrology and fortune tellers, but enlighten ourselves with logics instead. We will think quick, read fast, and remember thoroughly. By the time we’ve all become smart, we can finally agree on things and make collectively good decisions. There will never be another Donald Trump in the White House, no more Justin Bieber on the radio, and no longer El Chapo’s spreading fear. We will stop having lots of babies and start looking after our environment. Religion will be replaced by humanism, coals by solar power, and factory farming by animal rights. We will also agree that it’s best if women start ruling the world.

Once women have taken over, the future will be even brighter. They will make the smart decision to genetically improve themselves slightly more than men. They will also adjust men to become less hairy and more submissive. Scientists might even find a gene that will allow men to understand emotions, although that may be a bit too far-fetched. What is realistic though is to start altering our electric brain waves. This technology already exists and is called transcranial magnetic stimulation. There is, again, some ethical jabbering going on, but once women have taken over they will give it the go-ahead. By altering the magnetic fields in our neurons, emotions and mood swings will no longer be a nuisance, and women can turn the men they have dealt with into the men they have dreamed of. They will cook, do the dishes, and forever be faithful.

Despite all this greatness, there might be one pitfall. If we modify ourselves too successfully, or too extensively, we could unintentionally create a new species. Species designation is based on genetic distance, meaning that a tiger is different from a lion because the last time they shared an ancestor was 4.5 million years ago, and lots of DNA mutating went on since then. Chimpanzees ain’t humans because they’re genetically different, by only 2 percent. Point being is that it probably won’t take very long before redesigned people turn into a new species. Another tricky side to that is that not everyone will be able to afford CRISPR, or be given access to this technology at once. So realistically, there will soon be a time where redesigned people have to coexist with human people.

This may raise a few complications. First of all, redesigned people could get irritated with human people because they think too slow, have a strong body odour, and illogical beliefs. They might start disassociating themselves and think of humans no different than gorillas and orangutans. Luckily for humans, redesigned people strongly believe in animal rights. Nonetheless, they’re also passionate about the environment, and any ecologist will tell you that overpopulation disrupts ecosystem stability. It’s safe to say that humans haven’t particularly been favouring biodiversity. Compare it to foxes, which were introduced to Australia and almost ate away all indigenous marsupials. Ecologists decided that there was only one right thing to do: the foxes had to go. Genetically modified ecologists might feel obliged to do the same, as long as humans died in a painless and humane way.

This might sound harsh, but once redesigned people start controlling the human population, the future will be brightened even further. Because there were once 8 billion humans, that all had to eat, shit and drive cars, the world turned into a dirty and acid place. Humans could never think efficiently enough to clean up after themselves, replant trees, or vote against corrupt leaders. Instead, they ate too many cows, occupied themselves with Kardashians, and cared about designer clothes. There was so much human stupidity, genetically modified politicians had no choice but to intervene. In the future, Gucci bags, and Porsche cars will belong to natural history museums, and history museums only.

Soon enough, redesigned people will be able to enjoy clean air, abundant fish stocks and queue-free super markets. They can go on holiday and experience safaris without heaps of other tourists. If they’re lucky, they get to see wild elephants, tigers, and humans. Yes, there will still be humans. They probably retreated back to little villages in the forest, where redesigned people make sure they’re safe and well-fed. Genetically modified anthropologists will have the time of their life observing these humans. They most likely still believe in supernatural things and concern themselves with appearances and something they call ‘love’. But as long as they’re happy and free, living in their own little world and small simple mind, there is no harm being done. Redesigned people can’t take all the credit, but humans will probably be a lot happier in the future than they’ve ever been in the past.