Out There

“If we were in there, we wouldn’t be out here – does that sound too ... out there?”

“Does that...? Whoa! Back up!”

“Where?”

“What?”

“Back up where?”

“What are you talking about?”

“What are you talking about?!”

“You started it!”

“What?”

“Don’t...!”

“Okay. Let’s start again.”

“Fine. Now, what did you say?”

“When?”

“For f… All right. Let me put it this way…”

“Well?”

“I’m thinking.”

“That’s a first”

“Hey!”

“Sorry. So … you were going to put it some way or another.”

“I was?”

“That’s what you said.”

“I’m a bit lost.”

“You're not the only one!”

“Let’s back up a bit.”

“There you go again with your backing up.”

“What do you mean?”

“You do like backing up.”

“I do?”

“Seems so.”

“Why did I say it just then?”

“Search me.”

“For what?”

“What?”

“Yeah, search you for what?”

“For what?”

“Uh-huh, for what? Drugs? Weapons?”

“It’s a figure of speech!”

“What is.”

“Search me.”

“For what?”

“Are you trying to be funny?”

“I’m not trying to be anything.”

“I wish you’d try to focus.”

“On what?”

“On why you wanted us to back up.”

“I don’t rem– … Yes, I do! I remember!”

“Hallelujah!”

“Yep. Nothing wrong with these ol’ grey cells.”

“So…?”

“So what?”

“Give me strength! Why did you want us to back up?”

“Back up?”

“Yes.”

“Originally?”

“If you like. Anything. Just as long as we get out of this loop.”

“Well … you said something about being out here … and out there.”

“I did?”

“You did. You were pointing at that house and you said something about being in there and not out here, but that was being out there, or … to be honest, I didn’t have a clue what you were saying.”

“Ah, yeah. I was saying–”

“Don’t just repeat what you were saying.”

“Why not?”

“Because I didn’t get it the first time, and I sure as hell won’t get it the second time, or the third, or the nth – where n is a large positive integer.”

“You and your mathematics.”

“It’s a gift and a curse. Go on then.”

“Where?”

“Don’t start again!”

“Do you ever get a feeling of déjà vu?”

“I get a feeling I want to wring your neck sometimes. Will that do?”

“That’s not nice!”

“Neither are you really. Can we get on with it? I’m getting cold.”

“Stomp your feet.”

“On your head?”

“Hey!”

“Will you get on with it? Please! Or can we just get back to the hostel?”

“You’ve got a violent streak, haven’t you?”

“Violet?”

“Violent! VIOLENT!!”

“Calm down!”

“I am calm!”

“Doesn’t sound like it.”

“You have, though.”

“Have what?”

“Got a … here we go again.”

“Where?”

“Round and round in circles.”

“Is that my fault?!”

“Well, you’re not helping.”

“You started it!”

“Okay, let’s stop and sort this out. I think we came off the rails when you told us to back up.”

“That was ages ago.”

“A couple of millennia by my reckoning.”

“That’s funny.”

“You think so?”

“Not really. So, I said we should back up, you say?”

“That’s what you said.”

“Why did I say that?”

“Beats me.”

“You were pointing at that house…”

“... and I said…”

“... if we were in there…”

“... we wouldn’t be out here.”

“I can’t fault your logic.”

“Thank you.”

“I was being … oh, never mind.”

“But look at it. How cosy! You’ve got your Santa and reindeer on the front porch.”

“Illuminated.”

“Illuminated. And you’ve got your jolly wreath on the door, with holly and pine-cones and ribbons.”

“Very festive.”

“Then … look … the Christmas tree in the window.”

“That is very nice.”

“With the flashing lights. See how they twinkle in the snow?”

“Lovely.”

“And look up there.”

“Where?”

“Up there, on the roof.”

“More snow?”

“No, not on the roof.”

“So why did you say it, then?”

“I meant above the roof.”

“Smoke?”

“Yep. And you know what they say…”

“Climate change will kill us all?”

“No! Don’t spoil it with your scaremongering!”

“It’s not scaremon–”

“There’s no smoke without fire!”

“Now, your logic isn’t quite so ironclad there.”

“I wish you were ironclad. And dropped in the ocean.”

“My turn. That’s not nice.”

“All I was trying to say–”

“A couple of millennia ago.”

“Exactly … was that it would be nice to be in there instead of out here.”

“In the warm.”

“Imagine. Feet up in front of a log fire.”

“Feeling guilty because of global warm–”

“But putting the guilt aside just for one day, to have the warmth on our toes.”

“Mmmm.”

“And maybe a glass of port on the table next to us.”

“Yeah. And a cat on my lap, all snuggled up.”

“You and your cats.”

“I like cats. What can I say?”

“Right. Then I’ll have a dog curled up at my feet.”

“Fine. Just as long as he doesn’t go for my cat.”

“They’ll be friends, okay?”

“Okay.”

“And the smell of roast turkey wafting in from the kitchen.”

“Putting our guilt about animal exploitation aside just for one day.”

“If you like. And a good film on the telly.”

“It’s a Wonderful Life.”

“Die Hard.”

“Both!”

“Wouldn’t that be lovely.”

“It would. But what did you mean by being out there?”

“Did I say that?”

“You did.”

“I think I was thinking that…”

“Yeah?”

“Nah.”

“What?”

“That we could knock on the door.”

“Of that house?”

“Yeah.”

“You crazy?”

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

“They could call the police.”

“Nah. I have a feeling.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I just do. A vibe.”

“A vibe, he says.”

“Imagine. We knock on the door. They happen to be kind people. And they invite us in for a glass of port by the fireside. Maybe dinner as well, if there’s enough and they have the spirit.”

“The Christmas spirit?”

“Yeah. Imagine what that would be like. Just for one evening.”

“Like in the old days.”

“Like in the old days.”

“I don’t know though.”

“Come on. Faint heart…”

“… ne’er won Christmas dinner?”

“That’s it! Are you in?”

“Ah … all right. I’m in!”

“Let’s go then!”